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(Some information about me: 14/15-year-old agnostic girl, sad most of the times, but I do not know if I am depressed or not; this is going to be a long read and going to have a few swear words where I deemed necessary, so please only continue at your own risk, thank you.)
So, hi, person who cared enogh to click; I hope you are having a better life than me. I have a lot of things to be thankful for (which is why I would not call myself depressed), but certain dark shit in my life is taking over any bright aspect in my life. Everyone keeps telling me I am ungrateful and should look at the children in Africa who can not even get a drop of water, and while I am thankful for food and shelter, other things are making me miserable and no one cares much. I can not get therapy in real life because my parents do not care about my mental health at all (I once self-harmed, and my mother did not react like a maternal soul would), and therapy online usually just costs a shit-ton of money or is for people over 18 -- so basically all signs point to one thing: "fuck you, miserable little girl!"
To make matters worse, my best friend of two years recently starting ghosting me, and the pain is just unbearable. I keep telling myself that karma will get him, but I secretly know what I really want (but I keep denying it): him. I also started having a crush on him (and still do), but that really was not fucking me up emotionally until he was a dick to me. To be honest he was always dropping signs that he wanted me dead or something because we would often hang out and he would just leave without saying anything or even texting back later -- but I was too delusional to accept the truth, and now I have hurt myself. I try forgetting him, but it just is not easy when my sister keeps teasing me about my crush on him (but she does not know that he is secretly a dick, so she is not really an intentional asshole).
Demons from my past also seem to always follow me around, now. My brain keeps conjuring up the most embarrassing stuff from my past, which just makes it hard for me to socialize. The worst part is that I am an extrovert (though a shy and quiet one), so no intimate and friendly human interaction for even two days really eats me up. I was also sexually abused when I was 10 by my then-13-year-old cousin. I did not get raped as there was no "penetration," but he groped and kissed me against my will. I have only told "support people" on the internet about this (but no one was able to help me), but no one in my real life knows about this.
And just today, I also started questioning my sexuality. I know "coming out" is different for everyone: some people get scared, while others are so happy about their new self-discovery that they might be floating above the clouds -- I am one of the scared ones, though I am not even sure about it. I have always considered myself straight, but recently a lot of event are making me think if I am bisexual. I am totally accepting of the LGBT comunity (and every other well-meant human being), but me myself being a part of them is just going to make my life worse, as my family (besides my siblings) are bigots. It is also taboo to be LGBT where I live, so I hope I really am not bisexual.
This part may make you hate me, but recently I saw this friend of mine getting her life finally sorted out with proper therapy and counselling while I am still stuck. To make matters worse, she was always a negative person (but that is not her fault, as she has went through some serious trauma) while I always try to stay positive (though I have given up now), so I really wondered why God favors people who try to stay negative more often.
And to top it all off, I secretly chose a different religious belief than the one my family follows, so now I am scared they will eventually find out. I changed my religion because my old one was really fucked up and sexist (and the reason my relationship with my parents is complicated). If you are wondering how I am coping, then well masturbation and video games seemingly help me. Suicide is not for me, because I am a pretty scaredy-cat. I am trying to make changes in my lifestyle by drinking more water, but I can not really achieve much progress. I started to take a 30-minute walk everyday, but now my parents have made it impossible for me as they do not take me to the nearby beach we chose for our evening walks; walking in my house is difficult, as it is so small (which is another one of my problems: a tiny-ass house where I have to share a room with my sister and my 10-year-old brother); I can not take a walk around my neighborhood as it is unsafe and filled with creepy rapists and pedophiles (one of them stalked me and my mother).
So I hope this "essay" helped you see my point: my life is miserable, but better than most, but still painful, so that consequently makes me feel worse as I feel like I am being ungrateful and miserable at the same time. I do not like swearing or being negative, but I just had to vent it all out today, right here, right now.
