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startingoverandscared
847 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts70 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceAugust 17, 2024
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Struggling with a breakup / separation and relocation - too much life change at once!!
35 & Over Community / by startingoverandscared
Last post
 August 20th
...See more Hi everybody, I will be 36 next week, and I'm navigating some of the most difficult times and challenges of my life so far right now. I'm navigating a breakup with someone I'd been with for 14 years - it would be 16 years this September, but we split up last year after the previous year had been spent negotiating some differences in wants/needs (she wanted something open/poly, and I was not super comfortable with it - we live in a very small town in WV where I was already struggling to develop a healthy social life, among other concerns). We have remained friends and lived together since the split - and navigated other issues together, like me being laid off unexpectedly in mid-2023 and her changing jobs frequently. I took a job last month about 3 hours away, and it just didn't feel right for a variety of reasons - but one of those reasons was truly realizing that once I left, it would really be over for good. We could still be friends, but we wouldn't be as close, the relationship would change, and my new life would be centered around this job - which didn't pay very much, was onsite in a government office 40 hrs a week, and is in the state where she wants to be and has family / friends - where most of my friends and family are primarily on the other side of the country. So she let me move back into our house for August after I left that job, and I've found another job out West that pays more money and offers more remote/hybrid flexibility, still in an unfamiliar place but where I have a friend to stay with for my first month as I figure things out and much closer to other friends and family. But now I'm at a point where later this week, I will have to leave her and this house that we've shared for several years now, and it is hitting me really hard. Even though I know it's the best decision, I find myself clinging to the familiarity even if I know the relationship would deteriorate quickly if I stayed and I would be unhappy pretty quickly (possibly even more unhappy than I am now) if I changed course and tried to move somewhere around here to remain close to her and try to find work and cultivate more friendships/relationships around where I've been the last few years. She first and foremost needs space and time for herself and I respect that wholeheartedly, it makes sense for her to keep take on the house payments and the house because this is somewhere she wants to be, and for me to take the car and car payments because I have opportunities on the other side of the country that I have set up for myself. I'm just having such a hard time actually getting across the finish line. Packing is sad and scary. Picturing loading up the car is sad and scary. Driving across the country and staying in hotels until I reach my destination sounds sad and scary. Starting a new job sounds hard and scary and who knows if it'll be a good fit or how long it will last. Even staying with friends and family in my mentally fragile and uncertain and unstable mindset feels very scary and intimidating, too. Everything feels wrong, nothing feels right, and those feelings drive me back to wanting to stay in this comfort that I've known for so long - even though it's basically just a mirage at this point, it's not comfort to her and if I dug my heels in and stayed, she would leave me in this house and take the car and I would have to rebuild here in her world. I mostly wrote this just to vent, and to share my story in a place where at least we're all around similar ages to one another, but I would greatly appreciate any words of support, or wisdom, or feedback, or anything. I'm just trying to get comfortable sharing my story with people and feeling less alone about all of it, because that has been the worst part of all of this, is feeling like once I leave here that I will be eternally alone forever and ever and that I messed up the one chance I had to be with someone forever.
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