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snorp
111,365 M Moving Swiftly 7
PathStep 107 Compassion hearts3,721 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceNovember 29, 2017
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she/her
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Why
Relationship Stress / by snorp
Last post
 April 13th, 2018
...See more Dear ex, I don't know how to start. I don't even know if this is something i can share with anyone. You should thank me for that, I never told anyone about how you really are. But now I think I will. I'm tired of you still having this much control over me, over how I expect people to act and how I act around people. I know it has been years, but I also know that what you did to me was wrong. No matter how much you made me doubt myself, I know it was wrong. Why me? What made you decide I was the right person for you to hurt? I honestly have no idea why you even noticed me. When I first met you, you were just a friend of a friend, nothing more. You told me I had pretty eyes. You told me I was funny. Then you spent the next hour talking about your own eyes, laughing at your own jokes. You told our friends to set things up so we would meet more often, then you told them to leave us. Why did I ever trust you? You were a stranger, I didn't know you. I can remember our first kiss. You pulled me away from my friends and told me to kiss you. You didn't let me go. When I couldn't find any more excuses, I gave in to you. I can remember you holding me close, barely letting me breathe. I wish I'd just walked away then. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish you never made me addicted to your "I love you"s and your messages whenever you thought of me. I wish. You knew I wasn't doing very well mentally then, I think everyone knew. You were worst when I had my bad days. If I didn't answer your messages you made yourself bleed. You sent me pictures and blamed me. You said I hurt you when I did everything I could, and the worst is that you made me believe you. You made me believe I was responsible for every person around me who was hurting. I still believe that. When people are hurting I still blame myself, I still can't get your pictures and your voice out of my head. I can't forget everytime you took my voice. Everytime I tried to speak, you kissed me, and said you liked me better when i was silent. Then you laughed. You laughed at me when you made me scared of speaking. You always laughed at me, when I talked, when I stayed silent, when I said no. I don't think you ever realised how much you affected me, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you. Here's another thing you made me doubt; "I love you". It always was easy for you to say. You said it a lot, and I admit I miss it. But you also expected me to say it. I couldn't, because I didn't love you. You knew that, and you used it. You made me feel bad for not loving you, you told me you deserved my love and that I was being unfair and selfish. "I love you" sounds fake to me now. You made it into something people say when they want something. You said you loved and you said I'm beautiful and then you said it again and again until I got sick of saying no. Then you made me do what you wanted. You didn't let me take a breath to tell you to stop, you controlled everything. Despite this, I sometimes miss you. I miss you saying you love me and I miss you calling me beautiful and I miss being close to someone. Why can't I get you out of my head? Why can't I forget you? I wish you never existed. I wish I never met you. But I can't change the past, no matter how much I want to. If I believed I could manage it, I would tell someone what you did. I don't believe I could. But my friends are still your friends and I can't get away from you. Someone will always mention you or you'll show up somewhere. I'm sick of seeing your face and i'm sick of hearing your name. So instead of doing something about it i'm ranting about you on here. You'd love all the attention i'm giving you right now. You always loved attention. I almost hope you'll see this one day, I almost want you to know what you did.
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