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Hello everyone!
I'd like to share my story on here and get some of your opinions about my situation (please don't judge me, I already hate myself enough)
So, Ive been with my boyfriend for 11 years now and 2,5 years ago we started having a bit of trouble in our relationship because he wanted to have children and I wasn't ready for that yet. I tried to be a good gf and I thought this wish would happen to me as well, but it just wasn't happening and I kinda closed myself from the relationship and started even doubting if we should still be together. Off topic, he is my only boyfriend ever and my first kiss and everything else.
So, at that time we start to hang out with the new group of friends and there was a guy that seemed to really like me. He even expressed that to me and tried to message me a couple times throughout year 2020 but each time I would politely decline him and tell him look, I have a bf, Im not interested and that's it. So when me and my bf began to have difficulties in our relationship in 2021, I found myself sometimes chatting with this person, but it was STRICTLY friendly, nothing romantic, nothing sexual (but he did say multiple times he wanted to be with me), but I started having doubts about my feelings, I started thinking maybe Im starting to like this person so I decided to end it. My bf saw the messages and he wasn't so mad about them because they were obviously friendly with a hint of romance from his side, but nevertheless in that moment I decided to tell him that maybe we should break up. He was obviously disappointed and he didn't want that but I insisted saying I just need time for myself because I genuienly didn't know what I want anymore and I didn't want to hurt anybody. I was so confused in my head.
I told that to the other person as well, saying I like him in some way, but I want to be alone for a while, but he completely ghosted my message. I spent a month alone and he would message me sometimes, but the messages were so dumb and not important and then he would ghost me again and I started to see that this person was trying to play with me, even though he would repeatedly say he wants to be with me. He would blame me for not knowing what I want, saying I am too philosophical, dramatic and complicated and if I really loved him I would choose him. It totally activated my abandonment wound and I put him on a pedestal and I started blaming myself that Im not even good enough to be replied to a message. And how could have I developed some kind of feelings for a person like that ? I began having many psychological problems, I stopped eating, I would cry every night, but I didnt want to share that with anyone because I knew people would judge me. Looking back at it now, I can now see that I was trying to prove my worth through this person's actions towards me. I am completely aware of that and I take the blame.
My boyfriend also noticed that I wasn't okay because he messaged me a few times saying he didn't want to end our relationship and he still wants to fight for me.2 months passes by and we get toegether again, but this time slowly rebuilding our relationship and expectations from each other. I was walking home one night from work and this other guy saw me passing by (his sister lives in my neighbourhood) and he said he wanted to chat with me. I said no at first but he was really insisting, and I sad okay,that can't do any harm (I was so naive). He started saying that he still wants to be with me and asked if he could kiss me. I immediately said NO, and that I do not wish to be with him after everything he's done. He began to be a bit pushy and he grabbed me by the hand and hugged me. I froze and I stayed like that (I should've said no,I know) and then started kissing my neck very fast and impulsively. I put my hand in front of him saying no, I dont want to do this. I took my bag and I said listen Im going home. But he started kissing me again on my neck and after 3 seconds when I saw that he wasnt going to stop I pushed him away. But my emotions got in the way and I got angry, I almost started crying and I yelled at him something like where could've we been by now? why didnt you fight for me?? and I just went home. And we didnt talk to each other until he messaged me again throughot 2023 (saying the same old stuff how he'd want to be with me and can't forget me), but I would completely ignore him.
So, today I am still with my boyfriend and he knows about everything. He was angry, sad, disappointed at first, but he said that I am really naive and inexperienced and that this person was obviously trying to seduce me and I fell for that. He forgives me and he's actually totally okay with that, he has put this behind us and he is looking forward to our future, but its me who's the problem.
I just can't forgive myself for developing feelings for somebody else and being so naive and stupid thinking that this person was actually genuine. I feel immense guilt and I can't accept that I let this happen even after all this time. I don't feel like I deserve my boyfriend.Ive tried everything, meditating, going to church, journaling but nothing seems to help. What should I do with this immense guilt and shame? :(
Thank you so much for reading all of this, I know it was long!
