...See more
I want to mention beforehand, that I am currently in therapy.
I am, like my boyfriend of 7 years, a survivor of child SA. We dealt with a lot of difficulties regarding our sexuality/ sex drive incompatibility since the beginning of our relationship. I used to be hypersexual (common coping mechanism trying to regain control), realizing later into the relationship that I’m actually asexual. This resulted in a lot of frustrations, misunderstandings and miscommunication on both sides (both people pleaser, I’m especially bad at setting boundaries and saying no, him having difficulties understanding my drastic change, feeling unwanted/rejected/ undesired). With time I also started to understand that being touched on my breasts was a trigger (this trigger developed over time). This was a very blurry and uncomfortable journey, due to me not quiet understanding it yet and my boyfriend not taking it as serious. Sometimes he would „jokingly“ suggest to touch them. I remember one incident, where, during a play fight, he held my arms and pretended to come closer to my breasts with his mouth. Back then I did not realise yet, what deep emotions this actually evoke in me. I was used to being touched, not only due to abuse but generally society, movies, growing up in a female perceived body, ifykyk. Setting boundaries and simply saying no was something that was automatically connected to shame, guilt and fear of rejection aswell as kind of being used to being ignored anyway. Despite all of that I finally managed to set a clear boundary, which my boyfriend did not take as serious till one day I ended up crying. I don’t know what led to that situation but I assume it was build up emotions. It was then, where he understood the seriousness of the situation regarding my breast and stopped touching them all together. Fast forwards a year later, he accidentally touched my breasts,which all of the sudden triggered extreme emotions. By that time I was way more confident in setting boundaries and all in all more aware of abuse I was facing in different relationships. It was in this situation, where I realized that my boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I confronted him with my memories, experiencing a mental breakdown and shock. He also was shocked, assured me that he never wanted to hurt me and never intended his touch in a sexual manner but more as a joke, back then not understanding the seriousness. He apologised and took full responsibility of his actions, and encouraged me to talk to someone about it (I was ashamed and scared to put him in a bad light). He also assured me, that if I were to break up, he would help me financially as well as with my moving situation. All in all, he was very supportive. He is now in therapy and we also went to couples therapy. My therapist explained to me, that through that event was now experiencing repressed trauma from my childhood that was „opened“ with the now new trauma on top. This is when the *** actually dropped, I went through ***. Flashbacks, repressed shame, anger, anxiety, pain, sorrow. Our relationship is doing amazing, better than ever, I love him deeply and I got better but I still feel a lot of shame. Shame for deciding to forgive him especially because I am not willing to forgive my father for the SA. I feel like a hypocrite. Some days (like today) are especially hard. I feel so much anger, while at the same time not allowing myself to feel it. I just don’t know how to fully feel it, cause when I feel it, I feel shame and anger for deciding to stay. I love him deeply, no other person has known me that long, been with me through so much darkness, no one else makes me feel so welcomed. I’m an extremely controlled person, masking my neurodivergence all the time and no one makes me feel so free to simply be myself, comfortable, makes me feel fully accepted and loved, without question. With no one I can think out loud without actually thinking, just existing. He literally is my favourite person. This is why it hurts even more. Everyone who meets us always tells me afterwards how they see us as an aspiring goal, something they want to achieve, their „favourite couple“ which puts me under even more pressure. I feel more ashamed, like I’m carrying around a dark secret that no one is supposed to know, because of my deep urge to protect him. I don’t want anyone to think bad of him, at the same time I feel like a phony, a pretend, fake. It’s like a constant after-thought in the back of my head, my mind, always there, even if very quiet. Feeling like a hypocrite, I constantly feel like I have to justify my decision and I don’t even know why and to whom. I constantly feel like I owe the whole world an explanation, having to defend myself, like everyone out there could see through me and immediately spot this dark secret. „Look at her, so weak, what does that say about her staying with someone who did that to her?“. I feel constant pressure, such a heavy weight but especially shame. Shame for not leaving, shame for staying, shame for deciding to forgive. I’m exhausted. I feel like im betraying someone, maybe myself. Today I'm simply very very sad. Ironically, when I chose my name sadcat I didn't know that it would get shortened to SA which is kind of unfortunate considering the topic I chose to talk about lol. Today is a very difficult day for me and I'm so tired of feeling so alone in this. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone except my therapist. I don't know anyone with similar experience and I yearn so desperately for someone to relate to, someone who would understand, maybe went through the same without my deep fear of being judged. I am genuinely just so extremely sad and then I am angry at him for having done something that now puts me through such an emotional dilemma. I assume to experience dissonance, which I just seem to not be able to resolve. I'm angry because he did it and I'm angry because he is taking accountability and I'm angry because I I appreciate him for taking accountability. I am angry and sad and disappointed and exhausted.
