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If this is better suited in another area, I'll absolutely move it, there's a lot going on but since its pushed quite a few trauma buttons, I felt here was the best place for it. Just let me know
My life has really not been great for the last.... well, at least decade - longer when I look at it realistically. I've been in and out of abusive relationships, survived a lot of various trauma dating back to childhood, my relationship with my family is pretty much non-existent. A few years ago I moved half way across the country in a last ditch effort to get away from them.
Last April, I got out of yet another abusive relationship. I was essentially homeless, in the middle of a pandemic, with a service dog and a couple ESAs. My car broke down and I ended up having to get rid of it. I survived purely on the kindness of strangers online and my friend group. I'm disabled and struggle with depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia. I also have DID. Due to one of my various mental illnesses, or may all of them, I'm not sure, I have a really hard time living by myself and historically it's eventually become unsafe. I completely isolate, my grasp on reality starts to completely go and I end up completely spiralling. One of my friends offered if she was able to get a job then we could get a place and room together. Our friend group did a bunch of crowdfunding for a "new" car for myself, my friend was able to get a job and I moved 6 hours north of where I'd been living previously. It was a very difficult move for so many reasons. My roommate is also the only person I know where we live.
I have some pretty deep abandonment triggers, partially because of how I grew up, partially because of some heavy losses I endured in high school and shortly after going to college. Everyone just.... leaves me. No one stays around long. In some cases its been d*ath, a few people have just literally disappeared, and others have just abruptly walked out of my life with little to no warning. I was really scared when my friend first offered for us to room together bc I very much cherish her and our friendship and I was terrified we were gonna start living together, she was going to realize for one reason or another she couldn't handle it or didn't like me and would leave and I'd be alone again.
Tonight she told me she's moving back in with her mom the beginning of April. She broke it to me as gently as she could, and reassured me we'd still be friends and it wasn't anything I did. She just tried taking on more than she was ready for and it's severely impacting her MH in a negative way and she needs to take care of herself, which I *100%* agree with and she has my support. I'm so genuinely proud of her for taking care of herself. We both have a tendency to put others needs before our own so I *know* that wasn't easy for her.
But it's also pushed every single abandonment trigger I have. I cannot support myself, between my SSDI and my disabilities, I'm in no position financially or emotionally to stand on my own two feet. She knows this and has since the beginning. I pushed myself to find a PT job to try and help at least with the utilities cause I feel so guilty she's been covering the majority of it. She's gonna help me try and find a case worker up here who can help with things like food stamps like. I logically know she's not abandoning me. But it's still heavily pushing those triggers.
It feels like there's something wrong with me. Everybody leaves. Everybody. This was supposed to be the first time in years that I was finally gonna be in a safe space to start working on myself, focus on therapy, get back on my meds, get stable enough to start working full time and not wind up in the hospital or having a full mental breakdown. I was finally catching a break. And while I 100% understand and support her needing to take care of herself, I just wanna scream at the sky "what about me?!?!? Don't I deserve to take care of myself too?!"
And then there's the finances of it. I can't afford rent here by myself. Where we live we're thankfully protected from getting evicted until May, for now, so I at least won't be homeless until then. But I got screwed over on the "new" car that I bought to replace mine before I moved up here and it's practically undrivable. I can't afford to take it in for repairs. Which means I need to try and do it myself. My phone service was shut off and is going to be like $300 to turn back on. Then food, utilities, food and supplies for the animals, car insurance. I'm thousands of dollars in debt, my credit is shot to hell thanks to my ex-husband. And this job doesn't start until next week, supposedly, although the start date keeps getting pushed back and I feel guilty about that too because I know it's causing my roommate stress and anxiety too.
I'm scared. I'm beyond terrified. I feel dirty, I feel ashamed, I feel like it's all my fault, for multiple reasons. I want to ask her if it's also because of some of the reasons my brain is telling me, but I'm so scared the answers are going to be "yes" that I just can't bring myself to ask. I feel so overwhelmed. And I just feel so alone, again. I've been fighting a depressive spiral for a couple weeks now, a lot of it coming from my abandonment triggers and already feeling so isolated. One of my partners and my best friend live 6 hours south, where I was living before, and I desperately want them both right now. I wish my roommate would've told me while my partner was here visiting last week.
I don't know what to do. My roommate kept saying she and another friend have found resources and are going to help me so I won't be struggling so much financially, including finding me a caseworker up here, but right now I'm just overwhelmed and scared. I feel so small. I feel like a monster. I feel unloveable. And while logically I keep trying to tell myself none of that's true, my Trauma Brain is just loudly drowning out all the logical thoughts. I keep having flashbacks to other people/memories where I was abandoned and why.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of living by myself. Part of the reason I felt semi-comfortable taking this PT job was bc there was someone else here, able to provide support and cheering me on, and now she's gonna be gone and I'm gonna be doing this alone. Again, logically I know she'll still be around, but thats not the same as her being here. I'm terrified of being in this house alone. I'm terrified of how it's gonna impact my MH. I hate myself for having to depend so heavily on others. I hate myself for putting her in this position in the first place.
I'm sorry this was so long and repetitive in some places. Again, if it needs to be moved, I absolutely will move it. Thank you for reading.
- Ri
