rainbowmonkeycat717 Member Profile

...See more Hi there. Be prepared to read a lot, because I have a lot to tell. I don't really know where to begin, so I guess I will just write my story as it comes to me, so it might be out of order, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit together well, I just need to get it all out. I am a surviver of sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by my half brother (my mother's son) up until he was sent to boys home when I was three. I have blocked out most of it, so I don't really know how many times it happened. I still have nightmares about it from time to time. I don't really know what all he did to me, because I'm not sure if the nightmares are portraying what really happened, or if they are just what my mind has made up. I just know what my family has told me. My mother caught him sticking his penis in sugar and sticking it in my mouth. My cousin is a little older than me, and she remembers him asking us to suck on his penis, he told us it was like a lollipop. In my nightmares, we are always under a table, and he tells me that brothers and sisters are supposed to do things like that when they love each other, but I don't know if that really happened or not. It is the same nightmare every time though, so I think it is most likely a memory. My dad told me that after the first time he messed with me, they had a lot of people talk to him and explain to him that it was wrong. Then, he did things to me again, so they sent him to a boy's home. He pretty much stayed in boy's homes until he was 18, and then a few years later he went to prison for 13 counts of statutory rape. Supposedly he was tricked, because apparently his girlfriend lied about her age or something, but that doesn't mean he's innocent. He got out of prison over summer '14, and my mother and her parents tried to act like we were one big happy family. They wanted me to hug him and take pictures with him. I told my mother that I was not comfortable being around him, and she said she understood, but she would never warn me when he was there, so I had to see him if I wanted to see my mother and grandparents. Luckily that didn't last long, because he broke his probation or parol or whatever and now he is locked up again, so I don't have to deal with that anymore, at least for a few more years, but I hope he stays locked up so I never have to see him again. But anyways, everything with him was very emotionally traumatizing. I grew up without my mother in my life. When I was three, my mother left my dad. Then she came back for a while, and left for good right after Christmas when I was four. Of course my dad chased her for the longest time, so she was in and out of my life, which was hard. I remember having my bags packed ready to go with mommy for the weekend, and then she just never showed up. I remember asking my dad "Why doesn't mommy want to see me? Does she not love me anymore?" and my dad always made excuses for her. Once I got older, I learned that she was strung out on drugs and sleeping with every guy she met, so she didn't have time for me, she was too worried about running around and partying. So, that was traumatic, to say the least. As I got into my teen years, I tried on and off to have a relationship with her, but she would always lie to me or do something to upset me, so I would just cut her off from my life. I remember one time I saw her with her boyfriend of the month's kid, playing and laughing, and hugging the child. I was about ten feet away from her in the store, and she looked right at me and then looked away. That hurt, because it made me feel like she didn't care about me at all. When I said something to her, she said she never saw me. Even if that was true, that doesn't change the fact that she was doing things with that child that she never did with me. There's a lot more to the story with her, but I've gotten over most of it. I forgave her for everything, and we talk now, but it's just awkward, because she was never really in my live, just came and went. One time there was two years that went by that I didn't hear from her at all. So, it's hard to have a relationship with her now, and it still bothers me when she tries to tell me that she always cared, or that she loves me so much, because she definitely didn't care when she signed me over without even trying to fight for rights to see me. She didn't care when the once in a blue moon she actually would pick me up, she would take me to her boyfriend's houses, instead of spending mother-daughter time with me. She didn't care when she would go ages without contacting me. Also, she is a habitual liar, so it is just hard for me to believe anything she says. But, I believe everyone can change, and I'm trying to be understanding with her, because she has come from a rough background, so I just try to overlook a lot of things now. So we are cool now, it's just not a typical mother-daughter bond, and i don;t think it ever will be, because she doesn't know me at all. My dad raised me, so he knows my favorite foods, favorite movie, favorite color, he knows my shoe size and what kind of clothes i like to wear. My mother doesn't know any of those things. She doesn't even know what all extracurricular activities i was involved in when i was younger. She doesn't know I went on a mini vacation to NYC in middle school. She really knows nothing about me. My aquaintences know more about me than she does. So, everything with her has highly affected me emotionally. In 2009, I realized that I wasn't straight. My freshman year of highschool, I was dating a great guy, but I fell in love with a girl. It was the first time I had ever felt that way toward a girl, and I didn't know what to do about it. I ended up breaking up with the guy, because I felt like I wasn't giving him my whole heart, and it wasn't fair to him. The girl didn't want to be with me though, so then I went through a lot of issues trying to figure out if I really liked girls, or if it was just her, or if I was bi or lesbian. I didn't know what to do about any of it, because I was brought up under Christian morals, and I was always taught that homosexuality was wrong. I was scared that all of my friends and family would think of me differently, or disown me. I started telling a few of my close friends, and then I started coming out to more and more people and now I am comfortable being myself and even though i've lost a few people along the way, the true ones have stayed, and i've learned a lot about myself. But, that whole situation of accepting myself and figuring out what I feel and what I believe in was hard. In middle school, I started cutting. At first, I started doing it because some of my friends were, and I thought it was cool and that it would make me fit in. Then, it became an addiction. I loved the feeling of the blade against my skin. I loved the pain. It made me feel alive. I started doing it more and more, and I would do it whenever I was upset or whenever the marks started to fade. I lost my best friend because of doing that. She didn't agree with it, and she hated seeing me do that to myself. I tried to stop to save our friendship, but it was too late. Losing her made me cut more. I cut until September '09 when I met a girl who became my best friend. I told her about me cutting, and she got upset about it. I didn't want to lose another friend, so I made a promise to her that I wouldn't do it anymore. When I make promises , I do everything in my power to keep them, so I didn't do it anymore. That friend helped me turn my life around. In 2013, I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and BPD. I was in college and I felt out of control of my actions, and I felt emotionally numb and dead inside. I was scared I was going to hurt myself, so my friends convinced me to go to the hospital. I was in the psych ward for four days, where they diagnosed me and started me on meds. Then I had to do a bunch of group therapy and then I started counseling. Counseling was the only thing that really helped me at all. The PTSD was from the stuff with my half-brother, and because I had a near fatal car crash in 2012 that was very traumatic. My depression and PTSD got better, but the numb feeling was the thing I really couldn't escape, and no one really knew how to help me with that. Even the psychiatrist told me that medicine and therapy wouldn't help my numb feeling, which was very discouraging. I've tried to kill myself three times. In 2009, when I was realizing that I wasn't straight and trying to come to terms with it, I tried to OD on 10 ibuprofen and 10 other random pills. September '14 was my second attempt. I was in a relationship that ended very badly, and I just thought I would never be happy again and felt like I had lost everything, so I wanted to end it all. I took 30 BC powders over the course of 24 hours. Then my last attempt was just in February. I took 28 Prozac and it was because of the combination of love problems, family problems, friend problems, and adjustment problems because I just moved back home after living out of state for two months. So everything together just got overwhelming and I felt alone and worthless. My ex that I had the bad breakup with when I overdosed in the summer is now a good friend of mine, and she convinced me to go to the hospital when I overdosed last month. This time, I spent six days in there, and they didn't even start me on any meds, but it was a positive experience because I had time away from all of my stress and it helped me to focus on myself and I've changed my outlook on life and I am more content with life and see the bright sides of things and try to stay positive, and I have been doing very well at regulating my emotions. They diagnosed me with depression and an adjustment disorder. I recently lost my best friend. When I was living out of state, I lived with my best friend (the one that helped me change my life around and got me to stop cutting). It was a very small house and it was really far from town. I have OCD so i need things to be a certain way, and I also have ADHD so i need to be active. I was stuck in that tiny house all the time and couldnt go anywhere because the buses didn't go that far and she took the vehicle to work. I started to get stircrazy. I also started to feel like a burden because I couldn't find a job and was living off her and her husband. So, I moved out of their place and moved into a Rescue Mission shelter. She didn't agree with me going there, because I wasn't homeless, and she kept telling me that I would be okay. I wasn't okay. I was living in a tiny little loft that you couldn't even stand up in and half of it was filled with their things so I basically had my bed and one corner for my things, and I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because I didn't have a way to town. After I moved to the shelter, I was in town, so I could walk everywhere I needed to go, and I made a friend who lived very close to the shelter so I could walk to her apartment and hangout. I felt so much less stressed, and I felt good because I was being independent. Well, my "best friend" stopped talking to me after I went to the shelter. She will not speak to me at all now. I ended up moving back home because I couldn't find a job there and even though I made some friends I didn't have any family there and I felt alone, so I came home. Anyways, that hurts and bothers me that my bestfriend could drop me so quickly after being close friends for about six years. Now she acts like I was never a part of her life, and even cropped me out of a picture from her wedding so she could use it for her profile picture. It hurts. I inherited my mother's trait of being a habitual liar. No matter how hard I try to be honest with the people I care about, I always end up lying to them. I've told major lies to my best friends, and I've faked illnesses and gotten people worried about me for no reason. I've been doing good, but sometimes small lies just slip out before I even realize it. It's frustrating, because I truly want to be honest, but it is hard, because I have became used to lying. My biggest problem right now: This is kinda hard to explain, so just bare with me. I feel like I am out of sync with my brain. My thoughts race, but at the same time, I feel as if my mind is completely blank. I cannot focus on anything. Also, the smallest things have became difficult for me, and I feel as if my brain functioning has disinegrated. It has taken me about three hours to write all this, whereas I used to be able to right quickly. Also, I use the wrong words a lot and misspell things, and I used to be an excellent speller and was rather decent at using proper grammar. I used to never mix up words (write/right, they're/there/their, etc.) , but now I do it rather frequently. Also, i used to excel in math, and now I can't even do basic multiplication in my head. All throughout highschool and at the beginning of college, I never studied, I procrastinated all of my work until right before it was due, and I hardly ever took notes or paid attention in class, and I always made A's and B's. Then, at some point toward the end of my first semester of college, it all changed. That's when things first became difficult for me. I could not make words go on paper. I would sit there for hours staring at a blank computer screen. I could not get my thoughts to come togehter to make any sense. I had to medically withdrawal from school and go get brain scans (I had brain surgery when I was a baby, so they always check up any time i have headaches or any problems). They didn't find anything. I went back for my second semester of college and tried to complete it, I even tried studying and taking notes in class, but I was still making C's, D's and F's. I don't know how my brain could change that much so suddenly. My fine motor skills have gotten worse too. I cannot judge distances, so I always reach in the wrong spot when I try to pick things up, and as I type my fingers move the wrong ways, so I have to keep going back and correcting my errors because my fingers just ownt go where i try to tell them to. it's just like my brain is out of whack. I want to go back to college, but I don't know if I will be albe to. I don't know waht is wrong with my brain, but it is frustraing because it makes me feel stupid, and it is scary because i don't know hwy it is doing this. Sometimes it is better than others, but whe ni have to focus for a long time, like firghint this, it gets worse. i literally cannot even remember what i wrote at the beginning of this. my memory is shot too. half the time i can't even remebmer what day it is, much lesss what i am supposed to do. i can't remember anyones names when i meet them, even after being around them for a good while. when i read over my journals. i keep journals, i try to to write down my thoughts every day to keep track of them, but when i read them i mostly dont always remember the things i worte, it's lik ei am reading something womeone else wronte. I have been foucing on this tot long and now my writing has become worse, but I odn't have the patients to correct it, i just want to get it all out and say everyhting i have to. I have read online where other peolpe. they have experienced this sort of thing, after having a sharp pain in their head. i had a lot of gheadaches before all this started in collge. i just want to be able to thing clearly, and get my thinking skills back. i have been having trouble sleeipng. any help with this brain thing, if anyone has any suggestingos or solutions plaese help because i do not know hwat ot do about it. thank you rof reading everything and baring with me thorught everything i wrote i know it was a lot.

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