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Going to try and keep the background brief but it does matter I think.
Married man, but only functioning as room mates at home. The matter had been discussed and approached years ago, counseling, etc.
I did meet a woman in a similar place a little over 2 years ago (she also had abuse to deal with, and a child to take care of). Were both in our 40s.
We hit it off, and for the first 12-15 months, had an amazing relationship (not very much physical past a kiss or two, and very little in person time to hug/hold hands/etc). I was by her side more than anyone else, even if it was just text/calls, during a lot of life changes and losses in her life. I provided help and support every step of the way, we talked daily, flirted, and generally said we were on the same page with wanting to build a future together when we both got out of our current relationships.
Fast forward to this year, or just before, we managed to get her moved out of the abusive house. Around the same time she began to be very stressed (as one can imagine working on leaving a relationship of that caliber), moving, caring for her child, work, etc.
All affection and flirting stopped, she confided she just was trying her best to get through each day. I stayed the course and was always present to help with anything she needed, and told her as often as I could how much she meant to me and how amazing and strong she was. We still talked daily. I still struggled with how chaotic her life was and how very little time we got to spend together. Even from the first day we met, we probably planned to see each over well over 100 times, and maybe 10 happened. I knew how special she was and how many life changes were hitting her. I knew once we got through all the rough stuff, there was sunshine ahead.
I ignored signs. I have been in counseling for anxiety, so I have been trying to work on really dealing with fact over suspicion. Use the facts to tell the story, don't just doom and gloom the worst, don't jump to conclusions.
Even as recent as 3 months ago I took her and her son to a dr appt, and lunch. Afterward she was about the happiest I had seen her, and I felt so happy too. This felt like the first step in us doing the real relationship thing in person. One person helping the other out, make their lives better.
Beginning of last month she changed her social media status to in a relationship, from single. (We are both still married so I never really cared what it said.. but the sudden change shocked me). I called her that day and she without missing a beat just said it was because she got so many old HS guys popping onto her DMs and asking her out. I asked if I had missed something, like if I had misunderstood the relationship we had together. I expressed my complete shock and worry. She said nope not at all! We saw each other the next day in person and she was happy and cheerful. We had a nice conversation and made weekend plans.
Weekend comes and she is upset that I 'spied' on her social media. We were not friends on it, but we did use it to chat for well over a year of the relationship. The status she set was public, anyone could see it. She canceled our plans and didn't talk to me for a few days. I found out shortly after she blocked me completely. We got back to talking and once things settled I asked her about why she got so upset. Her reason was that she thought I had snuck some account into her friends list or something, as she thought that change was private and not public. I didn't bring up the blocking part.. she's had abusive and controlling past relationships (including the one she hoped to escape from) so I understood how she might take my actions as triggering. The fact she didn't expect me to see the status change did trouble me though.
For the entire month of July onwards, her texting took a weird turn. It was almost like clock work that I would not hear from her before 11am, or after 8pm, any day of the week. Weekends had very little communication any more. We would typically say good night/morning at least every other day or so. I picked up on this VERY quickly, but, she was dealing with a lot in her life (illness, pet illness, work probation, etc).
Within the next few weeks I take more initiative to ask about our relationship, because I got very scared about the social media thing. It had been just over 2 years of us knowing each other, and I'd say a solid 1.5 years of being in a relationship. When I asked about building something real and long term together she said absolutely yes. I said I hoped we were in each others lives for a very long time and she said me too. (We both said similar in the past, but this was good reinforcement to hear!) That we were both still married and she wasn't looking to move in with anyone yet, etc. All good, me either. She even told me she was not dating anyone if that is what I was trying to figure out with my questions. I wasnt even thinking that for a second, so it scared me that she though to say it, but it was positive.
Now, I have additional social media accounts, and would hit hers up every few days. Not because of the relationship thing, but because I liked to see her updates/pictures, just the public stuff. This was something I did since we met, and would occasionally tell her how much I liked a recent pic, etc. (I would have used my normal, non-blocked account.. she didnt know I had another).
Earlier this week her relationship status suddenly mentioned an individual. And it wasn't me. I freaked out. Everything was a lie to me all of a sudden. I needed to know everything. I had a friend drive me past her house (the one I helped her move into and visited her at many times this year). And I saw a vehicle in the driveway early in the morning. That made sense to me as someone was likely almost moved in with her.. staying over night, going to work, etc. I felt the worst feeling in my life in my stomach.
I gave it an hour and didn't hear back from any texts. I went and bought flowers and went to drop them off to her. I expected her to either be alone and we could talk, or, if someone was there, that I'd get an 'hey... so.. here is the story'. I was prepared for that. I was not prepared for when I arrived they were outside talking, and I immediately got threatened by the guy. That he'd kick my ass if I didn't leave, go the f away, etc. She even started to yell at me to go. I just was dumbfounded. Maybe she didn't tell him we were still talking? Maybe she told him I was the abusive husband?
We had had conversations in the past about just 'dropping by' and it was agreed that this wasn't something we should do, if her ex was there for the kid, etc. I knew this wasn't the ex when I saw them standing there. Now, she wont even talk to me, literally all I got was 'leave me alone' and then a 'do not contact me again'. (A few times earlier this year I had wanted to just drop off cookies or somehting at the door, and got very strange.. I dont feel well, then Im in bed, absolutely do not stop by, etc, messages.. hindsight right??)
This was a week ago. Of course I tried a few texts that day and the next (daylight hours, maybe 5 texts total, nothing crazy given the circumstances). I was in shock. This weekend I sent a few emails, just as I was able to be more composed, and had my wits about me. I luckily was able to have time with my therapist the very same day, and talked to one I have on here for support, and two friends so far. My email writing is cathartic for me, as is this.
My email content was that I still wanted to be friends with her. That, what we had was built on friendship, and given we really didn't have anything sexual or in person very much, that is what I missed the most. I also then apologized just for the past, maybe I didn't move quick enough on my divorce, maybe I didn't ask her the right questions about our relationship. I even said hey, maybe it just wasn't our time, etc, and truly, I have no anger at her, even if I should for the lies on what our relationship actually was.
I miss her SOOOOOO much, just the good morning/night texts, and, the very VERY dreadful fear that a VERY close friend of mine for these past two years may never speak to me again, and I only have about 2 close friends to begin with. I can't get a grip on that. Sure I have some sadness on the relationship front.. we talked about growing old together.. but after how things cooled off, maybe I wasn't that surprised she wasn't into me in that way.
So why do I feel so bad about what I did showing up unannounced? She was the one being deceptive and lying outright to my questions. I know I could have called and tried to figure it out, but somehow I thought that would be just more lies. I felt I couldnt wait another day or three to find out, when it was almost as if she was living with someone else for the past month and a half. I feel she is outraged at me stopping over. Zero thought to the fact she was hiding a full blown relationship, the one I thought we were working towards together ourselves. The one she flat out deined existed. If only I called, she wouldn't be furious, maybe we would still be talking and could have worked it out... why do I blame myself??
I know the moral of the story is play stupid games, win stupid prizes right? We both did things we probably shouldn't have, and if someone will cheat to be with you, they will cheat on you right? I just thought we had something different. There was no marriage or child with us, we had no real verbal relationship 'contract' for lack of a better word, other than us saying we wanted to spend the future together, build up something great, that we were secure in what we had, and, I did ask her to be my secret girlfriend early 2020 (which was accepted). she could have just said I'm not feeling you and moved on, as easy as.
I'm still working through this pain, but I just feel so hopeless and alone. She was my sunshine, my reason to get up each day. And now she hates me and wont talk to me, probably ever again. We shared so much and I was with her through so many struggles.. I cant figure out how that means nothing (from the friendship side.. I get that feelings can change romantically). She could have just told me yes, I am seeing someone, we never set solid relationship goals/rules. Or no, I don't want to have something with you in the future, or you are just a good friend.. anything..
I know its early, in terms of fear that I'll never hear from her, and processing my grief and pain (only been 4-5 days), but it is just terrible. I know this isnt the story of a 20 year marriage breaking up or anything, but two years of being by her side and her support. Feeling her gratitude and appreciation. Getting to know her AND her child, to be cut off in one day, with all of about 5 to 10 words. It just hurts so bad, and is so unbelieveable. I keep hoping its a nightmare. She was one in a billion and I'll never find anyone with her same mix of .. well.. just everything that made her so special.
Thanks for listening.
