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Hello, I am new to this site, and I really need help with something. I would like to preface this by apologizing in advance for the length of this post as I have an awful tendency to ramble.
Starting a few months ago, around the time school started, I have begun feeling what I thought was a simple down due to teenage hormones that I thought would eventually correct itself as I adapted to my new schedule. I was wrong. I continued spiraling down further than my worst years which I can still clearly remember; I began having thoughts of suicide.
I had already been suffering from nightmares since mid-March of 2014 but have had no help for them. In the advent of this downward spiral, the nightmares began to morph themselves. Sometimes I would have night terrors, sometimes I would never be able to sleep despite being exhausted due to the horrific imagery that flashed before my eyes whenever they closed or to the hallucinations that I would have while awake, sometimes they would be of suicide.
I was beginning to feel what could be akin to social anxiety; I was closing up and gradually losing my ability to communicate with others due to fear. This all eventually culminated in my having an interview with the Department of Youth Services and being labeled as high risk for suicide due to some disturbing entries in my journals for two classes under the same teacher who has expressed concern over my mental well-being and has suggested I take anti-depressants. My parents were called in and told. They took me home.
Nothing has changed. Things have only gotten worse.
Not only have I been allowed to continue down, it has increased in speed and strength. What used to only occur during the night now haunts me during the day, sleep has become gradually harder to attain, and my anxiety has worsened. I have begun using my eczema as a cover for the fact that I am self-harming by scratching until I bleed because that seems to be the only way I can feel good; there are days wherein I just wish to curl up into a ball and either cry or die; my appetite has been rapidly decreasing to the point I feel sick to my stomach eating a few bites and I wish to avoid this becoming a case of anorexia nervosa yet I feel far too sick to eat at times or I desire to vomit after eating; my grades are dropping because I am unable to focus or will suddenly lose the ability to read or write, sometimes both, to these mysterious headaches which now control my life and because I am scared that in turning in some of my work I will ruin my family by bringing in DYS again over what should be a small matter; I have become such a recluse that the only person I can stand to be around and talk to is my sister who will be leaving for college again in a few weeks; I feel meaningless and worthless and like I do not deserve aid and that I am simply making mountains out of mole hills, as the saying goes, to the point where it took me over a week of arguing with myself to post this and I am still fighting myself over whether or not to delete this or ignore it; and I feel like this is all my fault for not being stronger and smarter.
See, this all started getting worst after I had a conversation with my dad wherein I had innocently asked him what he knew about depression because I am currently taking an AP Psychology class and have had it attributed to myself by my teacher who is highly encouraging me to take anti-depressants. My dad, who majored in Psychology and later became a lawyer, said to me, basically, that I do not have depression, it is all in my head, and it is my fault and my responsibility that I feel like I do. He said that I should be smart and logical and that it is all psychosomatic- that it was all in my head and I was being a little hypochondriac about it. I told him about all my problems, all that has been happening with me, and that was what he told me. I had mentally broken and wrote my journal entry a few days later which resulted in the call to DYS and has all gone downhill since.
Something to understand is that I am very close to my dad; he is the person in my family that I am closest to, oddly enough. I spend most of my time with him while I am well, but I have now grown to almost resent him for this despite still loving him. He has covertly called me stupid many times since the visit with DYS and seems to have gotten worse about the situation between us. It was, in fact, yet another conversation with him tonight that sparked me to come here because I am unsure as to whether or not I can withstand another one of his condescending 'Be logical about this. Use the part of your brain that adheres to logic' when I have a nightmare and am standing before him too terrified to sleep.
Obviously it is not solely his fault as I do should most of the blame for being oversensitive along with others who have tried to help only to make the situation worse in doing so. No, positive thinking is not a conducive to good advice and a way to cure this down, and, no, neither will abandoning me for others and openly treating all but myself with pleasantries in front of me while also covertly telling me to leave you alone to do so count as help either. I have tried turning to friends when family refused to help and received only scorn, resentment, false platitudes, guilt trips, and what could essentially be summed as 'get over it'.
I am at the end of my line.
I feel anger and sadness and confusion and fear and a painful numbness bottling up inside me and have learned the painful truth that I am unable to express them, because when I try to scream and cry, nothing will come out. Help has alluded me in that which is familiar which is I feel like I must turn to an outside source.
I live in a place that is near isolated. The road to and from my house destroys cars so I cannot try and find professional help on my own. Even if I could drive, it requires parental consent to do so and my parents have made it clear that they do not believe that I should see a psychiatrist.
It is past four in the morning when writing this. I have yet to sleep due to fear and nightmarish visions. I feel a pain and chill running through me.
Please, I think... No, I am pretty sure that I need help. I have reached my wit's ends. Any advice would be appreciated.
Again, I would like to apologize for the length of this post and to thank you for reading until the end. Rambling and writing like this help me a bit.
