Hi! My name's Maddie. :) I'm 18 and am a senior in High School. I'm an androgynous female and am fluid sexuality-wise (I know I like girls, sometimes I like boys, I can like all other genders inbetween- I find my attractions morphing quite often and find fluid is the best way to describe it.) I am field commander of my school's marching band and have been stage manager of our school's musical for (going on) 3 years. I play primarily alto saxophone but also know the basics of bari sax, clarinet, ukulele, and guitar. I'm also in choir and typically sing alto. :) I plan on majoring in music education with a focus on instrumental music. So basically I'm a giant fine arts nerd.
Okay. Onto the serious stuff.
I was diagnosed with trichotillomania in early grade school. (For those of you who don't know that's an impulse control disorder where you essentially have the near constant urge to pull out your own hair.) Right before I started my junior year I took the plunge and cut it ALL off. And it's actually helped tremendously. I was diagnosed with depression early freshman year. I started out on Lexapro and took that for about a year before it began making me ill. I stopped taking meds entirely for a year and I was relatively okay mentally until the end of junior year. I had a major breakdown that was witnessed by someone very important to me and she insisted I go to therapy or get back on some type of medication. I've always been terrified of therapy, so back to meds I went. I'm now on Prozac which has been working incredibly well for me. .....As long as I take it. I've found that if I go more than 3 or 4 days without taking it. (I'm forgetful, I know.) I began spiraling back down into a dark dark hole. Recently, (the past couple of months) I've been struggling with what I'd call passive suicidal thoughts. Which to me means that I think about killing myself quite often, but I know I'd never act on it. I'm hoping to find some support on this site for my worst times. I'm looking to meet some people who understand me and what's going on in my head and who won't judge me for it.