...See more
Um hi, it's 3 am and my minds a mess, all thoughts jumbled up together. I just want to get it our or something idk. I'll probably regret it once I wake up and feel better lol.
I just feel like what I have experienced will never be enough. I mean it could always be worse right? Ik I shouldn't be invalidating like this but I can't stop. I feel like if the abuse was never the worst, my trauma isn't valid.
I have experienced emotional abuse pretty much my whole life, still happens from time to time. But then I get called overdramatic or a crybaby for having meltdowns. But then there are nice moments with my parents, and end up thinking if I was actually being dramatic and it was never that serious. It's not like I remember most of the arguing and stuff because I disassociate through it all and forget. The line between the nice moments and abusive moments blur together and it's hard to identify one from another. Actually I don't remember huge chunks of my life, a few moments here and there.
I think my mom has been physical as well during the childhood, but I barely have any memories from then so idk. It's not like anyone cared if she was, to them it was discipline, whats a slap or two? My dad has been physical with my brother, I remember them fighting and yelling. I know it happened alot when I was 11, and in turn my brother used to hit me. Once my mom and my brother were arguing, and I happened to be in the same room. He turned his aggression towards me and started strangling me, my mom got him off. I remember crying alot, and my mom yelling at me to stop crying as if nothing happened right in front of her eyes. His actions were always dismissed as siblings quarrel.
Again at 11, I also had an abusive teacher. Used hit me and humiliate me in front of my peers for no apparent reason. It went on for a whole year. She would stop me from spending time with friends, insult me in front of everyone, make me a specific target for physical punishment, lie to my mom about me. I never understood why everyone liked her. Once again it was the norm, no one thought it serious.
When I was 9 or 10 (I dont remember properly) I was touched inappropriately for the first time in a bus. I didn't ask for help bc i didn't know what was happening. I tried to get away but he didn't stop. Happened again at 11, this time I knew it was bad, that I should tell someone, but the words got stuck in my throat and never left. What's a few touches here and there. It's not like they even touched the skin, it was over clothes. I was more worried if anyone saw it happened (happened in public) and how disgusted they would be by me. It was just a few touches so why do they still bother me seven years later. I dont remember the aftermath of these two, but I remember the feeling of disgust to myself and feeling dirty.
That's when my disassociation got worse I think, I dont remember much from my whole life, even this year as it passes by, or even the week and days as they go by become hazy and a huge blur all jumbled together. Like that kind of floaty feeling? Constantly.
The thing is I can't sympathise with myself, my trauma never feels like mine if that even makes sense. I can only sympathise if I think of past me (specifically at 11 yo, the age most of the trauma occured) as a separate person, not an extension of me, it's easier like that, because then it's 'her' trauma, not mine. Ik it shouldn't be like this but I don't understand myself.
Invalidating my trauma has been a huge part of what I have been dealing this whole year. There are good days when it is easy to convince myself of the abuse and trauma, but most of the days are bad. I can't stop questioning myself. Did it even count as SA? Was the abuse ever serious enough or am I being dramatic? The abuse will never be enough for me to think of myself a victim.
