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lostcurves31
306 M Embraced 2
PathStep 20 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceJune 28, 2021
Bio
Life, is fun. Its always got me on the run. It feels like I could relate with just about anyone Ive been through so much. Thankfully I'm coming out from the dark after 31 years of trying to find myself. I believe I'm on the road to a new life. Those obstacles are no longer going to be a part of me. It finally dawned on me who I am. I am an overcomer.
Recent forum posts
Im a little bit older
Relationship Stress / by lostcurves31
Last post
 July 4th, 2021
...See more I was willing to sacarfice everything to support him. I would turn down 10,000 men, $100,000, my future to have children and the dreams that came along with it. I was his leaning shoulder. I was with him every step of the way while he was sick and willing to be compassionate when his past trauma brought out the worst in him. Yet I am the one who carrys the shame??..How does this make sense?! I am mocked by strangers for being broken. I am human. You dont even know me [I'd never do that to you]. He wasnt there for me when I got sick. He behaved quite replused and still does. He stamped me as my disorder. Annoyed at my suffering as if i could control it. He flirted, lied and belittled me while I was down. Gaslight to get what he wanted. Never was it whats mine is yours. Yeah, sure its your house, stuff, cars bc you pay for it, right? No. We were never a team. But I am the one with all the shame. Its a struggle understanding it. I have alot of work to do.
Lonely
Relationship Stress / by lostcurves31
Last post
 July 4th, 2021
...See more I have not had one day in the last month that I did not have an 'a-ha' moment and start crying. I'll have a handful of bouts throughout the day. Its incredibly painful. I dont know what finally clicked?! Its been all these years of me being strong and trying to make things work for our daughter. And!! I am grateful for most of those years. He is usually at work and I take care of things at home. So, the majority of time things are great. I was super mom without a doubt! That was one of the reasons I stayed so long; I knew the arrangement I had was good. Who gets be with there baby all day bake, skate, dance, draw, plan tea parties?! That in itself was perfect. What was not was perfect was the slient background of his emotional abuse and deep lonliness I felt in my marriage. I think now that my daughter is a little older (soon 13) and we spend less time together.. I'm really starting to feel that loniness. I guess in a way putting my energy into being super mom was fullfilling enough that his behavior didnt bother me as much. Or maybe im seeing how fast shes growing up and realizing Im going to be emotionally shut out by my husband when i need him as a new empty nester? Idk.
Three more months seems too long
Relationship Stress / by lostcurves31
Last post
 July 19th, 2021
...See more Im getting my ducks in a row to leave but for now im still stuck living with my husband. Tonight, I had a moment with Body Dysmorphia (this is probably my biggest struggle and is linked to childhood trauma but was triggered in my adult life recently through PTSD and long term effects of emotional abuse). My point , I said things he did not want to hear as i brushed my hair to get ready for bed. "I look like a boy..I look old,,,what happened to my face- i look so different"....im usually monotoned in this state. Then i layed in bed to settle still frustrated with how i feel about myself. I always get so overwhelmed. I think bdd is like an outlit for me to try and control something in my life, kind of like an eating disorder. Alot of the times my mind can get dark fast. He told me to just accept that i look like a boy and told me that i do look old. I asked him not to agree with me and that i need support (Knowing the shear pain and panic he was putting through in that moment). He got mad at me and told me he wont tolerate my delusions and to shut up..then stormed out. Im never going to recover being treated that way and its very frustrating and it breaks my heart. This of course triggered a horrible bout of crying and helplessness. I feel so lost. [Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
On the road out
Relationship Stress / by lostcurves31
Last post
 July 19th, 2021
...See more It finally hit me. Its time to leave after 13 years of being unhappy. It has torn apart my family and damaged my self esteem deeply. It has manifested into a dark and loney condition for me. Sadly, I let my mind get carried away by his sickness. We are now both equally toxic to each other and it doesnt matter at this point if things begin to change. I'm ready to get out and find myself again. Im so tired of being dizzy. I hope to find some sort of support. I have no friends or family to reach out to. This will be my first exprience "on my own". It scares the hell out of me and I dont know where to begin?! All tips and advice is appreciated [Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
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