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lightBeechwood7986
1,967 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 50 Compassion hearts40 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2019 Member sinceJuly 16, 2019
Recent forum posts
Feeling I'm hard to love (not sure if trigger warning)
Depression Support / by lightBeechwood7986
Last post
 April 7th, 2020
...See more Hey, so this will be a big rant. I hope that is someone is going through the same this will make them not feel alone. Ever since I was a child I felt small. I got bullied in school, verbally and got isolated, I threw up every day just thinking about going to class. Had almost perfect grades but very far from perfect attendance. At home, my dad was rather abusive verbally. I remember him telling me when I was like 5 no one is going to trully love me in my whole life. If I were told this rn, I would brush it off, but at the time it realy hurt. Since I have memory I have been told by him I'm retarded, I will do no good in life cuz I'm not good at paying attention, that I wouldn't be able to have a good job by myself and I should study medicine like my mum, because only through her I would be able to get a job. At 7 I started to go to the psychologist and they gave me antidepressants for the rest of the year. During highschool, things were no different. I made my first true friend, for whom I still care deeply, yet we both were isolated socially. I never really mind that as long as they didn't mess with me. Had a trip back to the shrink at some point. The first guy I was with just played me for a laugh, he and a fake friend just tricked me and another girl into thinking we were liked. Had my first boyfriend at 16, he was a sweet guy who cared deeply for me, he also had his stuff going on, but who doesn't? My father kept talking fake stuff about him, such as if my guy was only interested for money (we ain't rich, middle class) and that he just wanted to use me. I can assure you it was all sincere, but after almost two years we fell out of love. Next is when stuff went downhill. I started college in a major I was super exited about. I met this guy whom was all that. I was super attracted to him physically and mentally, he totally blew my mind and made me feel the prettiest, hottest and most loved girl in the planet. He broke up with me in no time to go back with his toxic ex who had cheated on him in the past. They had been on and off for like 4 years (the cheating was like in year 2), and during our relationship he used to say he made a huge mistake when getting back the last time. I still had to make a pair project with him and he wouldn't meet to stay at the girl's place, the girl would answer his phone and send pics of herself, and even showed up at our college (she's goes to another one). I ended up dating his friend. Not in the revenge way, but we thought we actually had feelings for one another. Looking back, I think I was needy and desperate, and my shadow self was actually trying to get my ex jealous. His friend really wasn't into me either, he just wanted to lose his v-card. I was really hurt, I felt worthless and that trully no one could love me. I failed almost all of my college classes while my ex got good grades. Started hurting myself and considering suicide, also got my first serious anxiety attack. My ex's best female friend was the most supportive, amazing girl ever. She went with me through my lows and highs and I couldn't have ever asked for a better friend. Started taking antidepressants again and going through therapy. This takes us to today. I still feel it is hard for someone to love me. I consider myself pretty (one good thing I got from that relationship), but my personallity isnt the best; I'm erratic, shy, anxious and not that friendly, also still dealing with depression and a little bit of depresonalisation. I'm still in love with that guy from college (now that girl dropped out of college and is back with her previous ex), but I know I was just a replacement for her. I feel I have so much to offer, but he just won't accept it. I know I made mistakes, I did sleep with his friend, but I won't try to justify myself, I did wrong, but I want to provide a healthy, loving relationship for him, more than I could give the first time we were together. He hasn't had healthy relationships in the past (this girl who cheated and was toxic, his next girlfriend shared his nudes and sex tapes, then me), and he has built this wall arould himself. He opened up to me and was the sweetest guy. I don't expect to be able to break his walls, I have mine too, but I wish to build a window through one of them, so he can see he is loved and supported.
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