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For context: We are high school juniors and have known each other throughout high school and are involved in a lot of the same activities. We had been dating for 50 days and talking since October. He was my first relationship, and my first kiss. I am not his first relationship, probably not the first kiss either. I am devastated.
Here are the texts in the breakup.
Him: I’m sorry, there’s a lot I have to get off my chest, and none of it is good. The only reason I’m doing it over text is because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get all my thoughts out in a concise manner. First thing, my faith and hope for this relationship isn’t very high right now. The truth is, I didn’t want a relationship. For me, they eventually start to feel more like a chore than something I want to be involved in. Actually, because of the stress of school, work, music, and planning out my future, it’s starting to take a toll on my mental state. I know this feels so random, and I’m such an *** for having hope in the first place. I initially didn’t want to say yes when you asked me out, but I was afraid I would have handled it poorly and hurt you. Really, when I say this isn’t your fault, I MEAN it. This entire relationship, everything I was so desperately trying to build up was a fault of my error. I tried to force myself to think it would work out, I tried to make myself believe you would be more than just a friend. I tried to pretend to know what I was doing, and I really have no excuse for all of this. It’s my fault, and the least I can do is try to explain my side of the story. Something I want to dress up on is why I would even think this? Wasn’t I really happy with how things were going? Yeah, that’s not true. What I’m about to say is pretty secretive, so please, promise me you won’t tell anyone. Since around 7th to 8th grade during Covid, the lockdown ruined my mental state. In other words, I got pretty depressed. Not in an extreme way, but still very present, and affecting my life. I was managing through the start of high school, but something changed after my first breakup. It got bad, REALLY bad. To this day, the way that rejection felt has a scar on my mental and emotional state. I haven’t told anyone this, but life to me feels a lot more dull than it used to. You know, the cycle of waking up, going to school, sleeping, repeating, over and over again. Sometimes for brief moments it cracks, and life feels better than the average ***, but that’s how I mainly feel. And you’re probably thinking, “but you never show it”, and you’d be right. I never show it. It’s the kind of thing I don’t want people worrying about, ESPECIALLY now out of all times. “But it’ll help you”. Yeah, but at what cost? Having all my friends and family worry about me? Forcing them to change how they normally act whenever they see me? Do you understand how difficult it would be to look anyone in the eye after they know about my state? I don’t want that kind of attention, it’s the kind that turns me into a victim. If I’m hurt and want to tell someone, I’m not yelling to the whole state of Wisconsin. I’m telling you because I want you to at least try to have somewhat of an understanding of how this has impacted my choice to cut us off. And I know, what I did was wrong, no, WAY beyond wrong. The way I’m saying this now out of all times is outright horrible. I’m a selfish idiot, but I can accept that. I can live with the guilt of hurting someone else over living with the guilt of lying. And I refuse to lie to you any longer. What does this mean for us? That is up to you. I genuinely want us to stay friends. It would be so difficult to see you practically every day if we completely cut each other off. It would be awkward, weird, and uncomfortable. So please, try to just not make it weird. But, I do understand if you are *** at me for this. I can live with that, just try not to make it obvious so I don’t have to feel more guilty. Again, it’s entirely up to you, I just don’t want to make it more difficult than it has to be. I have no excuses, and it’s all my fault. All I can do is hope you’ll maybe understand.
Me: I don’t even know what to feel in this situation, honestly. I thought things were going well. I probably knew inside that you weren’t that into me but thought I could change it. I’m hurt that you feel that al l we had was just an error. I had no idea you were going through things like this, I’m sorry that you are experiencing this. I don’t think opening up to others would hurt your relationship with them, or turn you into a victim of any kind. Everyone experiences depression, you think I live a spot free happy life? There is a lot more that I hide and stash away. I just want you to know that it isn’t healthy to just keep everything to yourself, find someone, anyone, that you feel safe with and won’t change to share how you are feeling. I’m not saying I can help you, but I really do want the best for you. Now I’m crying. I really hope at the very least that some of the time I spent with you were the brief cracks of color. I’m probably going to have to take a few days to process this emotionally, I did like you for a long time. I want to blame you, but that feels unfair. I hate that this is happening. I really do hope you can share how you are feeling to someone, and I’m not saying this in a “get help” kind of way. I will try my best to act normal, but I don’t know what’s normal anymore. You were my first relationship, and I’m disappointed that it turned out this way, but it’s not your fault. I should have been better and noticed the signs. Just know that I’ll always be here, as a friend if nothing, to talk. I appreciate you opening up, at least now. Guilt is a complicated feeling, and I think it is a form of self-hate, of some kind. It’s manipulation of your own perspective so that you can hurt yourself. I hope you can learn to overcome to guilt and not learn to live with it. I would hate for this break up to feel like the first one. If there would be any lasting impacts, I want it to be positive ones on your life. And lastly, please don’t be afraid to be sensitive. It’s not wrong to be treated like “the victim” when you are feeling like this, probably for years. You do not always have to be the strong, nonchalant one. I understand that masking your hurt with humor is something people do, I’m not saying that it is you, but I’m sure there is a healthy way to address your residing depression. I will try my best to separate my feelings from the mutual activities we have together. Thank you for telling me this, I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, as everyone does. I hope you understand how many people you inspire and how many you bring joy to through you, and begin to see, and I mean see, not just look, at life in a better way. Life is really beautiful, and it goes by faster than you think to be held back by things like guilt. These things are not normally things I say to everyone, and I hope you know that I am being honest and sensitive with you because I care about you.
Him: It gets difficult sometimes but I promise you it’s nothing ever unbearable. Life just feels really bleak sometimes, and I’ve been learning how to cope with it. My main way is through music. Yeah, kinda funny how that works. The thing I’m so passionate about was secretly because living without it is actual ***, hence why I want it to be my career. It was hard to tell you all of this, especially considering I’ve never told anyone else before. But you deserved an explanation, and I thought I’d just give you the truth as straight up as I could. I don’t expect things to be normal, I know that’s impossible. I just don’t want it to be stressful. I’m so sick of having to put up with ***. I have to suck up my emotions so I don’t look like a total wreck in front of everyone I know and love. I have to suck up every insult that actually hurt me a bit. I have to suck up the stress of friendships, relationships, family, school, work. I just can’t, you know? It’s really wearing my *** down, and I’m a *** for thinking I could somehow fit you into it all. I still believe this was my fault though, and I can live with that. Really, I hate lying, and what I was doing was lying. It was just pushing me to my breaking point, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. As wrong as it was, I just had to say something.
Me: I just want you to know that any kind of relationships should NOT feel like you have to “suck up” the stress. I think it’s bittersweet how you are being open and honest to me now that it is over. You opened up to me, although I have no idea how much, and I do not think you are a “total wreck”. Sure you made some really bad choices that hurt me, but I think that is the result of this mindset of not addressing your emotions properly. I do not want to feel like a burden, or treated like a burden by anyone. I understand the stress you are feeling the most, if not anyone. I had to balance everything too, my friendships, my school work, my relationship, my family, etc. Did you know? My dad recently got laid off. You didn’t. You know why? Because I have the same horrible habit of keeping everything to myself, afraid of everyone else’s perceptions of me. And I agree with you on the music thing, honestly, I would probably go cope through music about this too. I hope I never directly hurt you through an “insult”, know that your feelings are valid and yours, and you don’t have to blame yourself for them. If you can’t speak up for your feelings, then who can?
Him: Before my eyes completely close, I just want to say how much I genuinely appreciate your understanding. It’s been, I don’t know maybe 4 or 5 years I’ve been dealing with this now? It’s a lot, and I’m just thankful that you aren’t just outright seething at me for my mistake. I try everyday to make someone smile because I want to give to people what I so desperately crave. Those moments of bliss where life ain’t so bad. So putting you down like this rots me to my core. I was so stressed during work I started to get a huge headache at the thought of saying the truth. Because that’s the reality of it all, the truth hurts. And I don’t know when I’ll learn my *** lesson, but being honest will hurt less than lying. And here I am, managing to do both. Regardless if I had rejected you back then, or did this ***, I would have had to given you an explanation why. So like the *** I am, I just delayed the inevitable. Here I am, rethinking my horrible decision making, and at the same time owing you something I can’t give. I don’t feel there’s any more to it. I’ve said everything I wanted to.
Me: Sorry that it had to be this way. I don’t know, my head thinks I should be angry, at least a little, but I don’t feel any, at least right now. I think this is helping me learn about myself. It’s nice that you try to give people the moments of joy, I hope you too can find that joy somewhere, joy that brightens slowly instead of an instantaneous spark. You should take time for yourself to recognize the hurt and not wear yourself out trying to avoid it. Don’t stay in regret and move forward, that’s just how life is. You don’t have to feel like you owe me anything, one doesn’t make a relationship, and you tried your best. I don’t want to be remembered as the one you hurt. As much as you don’t want to hurt others, I don’t either. I’m a classic people pleaser, sad life isn’t it? I can’t bring myself to hate someone even if I really wanted to. At least this gave me a better understanding of myself and my value. Thank you for being raw with me, bye.
