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lavenderMoon463
241 M Embraced 2
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts19 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2022 Member sinceJune 11, 2021
Recent forum posts
just so lonely
Depression Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 April 16th, 2022
...See more i’m 19 and i live at home with my family still because i’m doing a uni degree online working from home. i have a boyfriend and i see him regularly and get on fairly well with his family. but i have no friends. i was due to do my a levels in 2020, but of course school stopped in march that year. that was the last time i saw anyone i was friends with at school in person. i’ve talked to a few people online or by text, but i haven’t stayed in touch consistently with anyone. it’s my own fault, but i feel so lonely. i have no friends to laugh with, no one close to confide in other than my boyfriend and i feel like a massive burden to him with all my mental health struggles. i know the obvious advice and that i should put myself out there or join a new club or something, but i just get anxious and i don’t want to open myself up to someone new and then get hurt by rejection. i’ve told friends about my mental health before and seemingly from that point on we’ve drifted apart. maybe i’m just not meant to have any friends, but it’s terrifying to think that if my boyfriend and i broke up i would have absolutely no one.
Valid concerns or am i just being paranoid/insecure/unfair?
Relationship Stress / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 August 23rd, 2021
...See more I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over three years, he’s 19 and I’m 18. We’ve been friends/talking since we were about 13. His family are friends with another family and they have a daughter our age, I’ll call her G. When we were all 14/15, my boyfriend and I had said we liked each other but didn’t get together or anything just kept talking, then in the summer he had a bit of a thing with G, only as far as holding hands and flirty messaging but still some history. At the time I was pretty hurt by this because I’d just said I liked him and then he kept telling me how fun it was holding hands with G and stuff and I felt insecure and rejected. In more recent years they haven’t been as close, but now this summer they’ve been spending a lot of time together as they’re both interested in sailing and folk music and have been going sailing and also went to a festival, with family too. I’ve been staying with my boyfriend since November originally due to Covid and then carried on becasue it’s been nice. Recently he’s been texting G almost constantly throughout the day, but he tries to be secretive about it because he knows she’s a sore spot for me and my insecurities. Him being secretive about it makes me feel like he’s hiding something, and I have looked at their texts sometimes when I’m overwhelmed with thoughts that they’re talking about me or that there’s something between them. I have explained it to him, but not in a very rational way because it makes me quite emotional and feel low and worthless. I know nobody can really know except us, but does it sound like I’m just being paranoid and unfair on him when they’re just friends who share a few hobbies? Is it valid for me to feel concerned about how much they message or does it just make me feel so rubbish because I’m so insecure and feel like she’s more attractive and interesting to him than me. For as long as I can remember I’ve believed I’m not good enough, and I did recently have some CBT in which we touched on that, but it’s definitely not resolved and is not helping in this situation as it makes me feel so worthless and like my life isn’t worth it. I’m going on holiday with my family soon and my boyfriend has already said he wants to do lots of sailing, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope knowing he’s spending lots of time with G and will be too busy to talk to me much, and I’ll probably drive myself insane overthinking what they’re doing and talking about together. I’d appreciate any advice on how to discuss this with my boyfriend in a rational way that doesn’t make it sound like I’m saying I don’f want him to be friends with her, because I know I can’t control who he’s friends with and I do want him to be able to the things he enjoys that I don’t like as much. Also advice on improving self esteem and self worth so maybe I won’t constantly feel inadequate and insecure. Sorry for the rambling and if this makes no sense at all :/
food guilt (tw)
Eating Disorder Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 February 4th, 2022
...See more i’ve struggled with my eating at different levels of severity for a few years, and had reached a fairly good place with it. in the past week or two i’ve been experiencing a lot of guilt any time i eat or think about eating. i always feel like i’m eating too much or not healthily enough. my boyfriend always makes sure i eat enough because of my past struggles, so i’m not under eating but i want to. there’s a person in my life who is particularly triggering as they talk about intermittent fasting and they basically don’t eat very much and it makes me worried and feel guilty. i don’t know how to deal with the guilt it makes me feel horrible and i’ve hurt myself because of it recently. how do i work towards feeling less guilty for eating?
Depression and sex (TW? TMI?)
Depression Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 June 24th, 2021
...See more I’ve been in my relationship for coming up to three years now, and our experience of sex has been a bit of a rollercoaster. When we first got together (me 15 him 16) my boyfriend really wanted to have sex and have our first time together etc. At that point I felt a very strong aversion to sex and even kissing and thought I’d never want it, and this difference between us caused some difficulty and insecurities (mostly on my part). After three months we had our first kiss and by six months had had sex. It took me a while to feel safe and secure enough but it was good and we would do it fairly regularly (classic teenagers). Fast forward to now (me 18 him 19) and my depression (undiagnosed and unmedicated but i’ve had some therapy) has been causing my feelings towards sex to change again over the last few months. We’ve been lucky and have been living together near his family’s house, so have been together pretty much all day every day for a while now. Recently I just haven’t been feeling that interested in sex, but my boyfriend still wants to do it fairly regularly, although not as often as before. I never really feel that into it and I’m never sure at the start but kind of just let it happen because I ask want to please my boyfriend. I either don’t enjoy it and feel stupid afterwards, or if I start to enjoy it I feel incredibly guilty and confused. I don’t know how to talk to my boyfriend about it, he kind of understands that I’m not that interested anymore and there have been occasions where I’ve cried straight afterwards, which really ruins the situation (thank you, brain). I feel this almost paralysing fear that he won’t want me if I don’t want sex, and I don’t know how to work through it. Sorry this has been quite detailed and a bit of a rant. I’d appreciate any advice or just to know I’m not the only one who’s experienced something like this. Thank you
Wondering if I have BPD
Personality Disorders Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 June 11th, 2021
...See more I just want to start by saying I’m not trying to self diagnose, I’m just wondering if this could be an explanation for my struggles and whether it’s something I should look into more with a professional. I’ve struggled with depression (not diagnosed) for about six years, and recently I’ve looked a bit at the signs/symptoms of BPD and quite a lot of them resonate with me, particularly feeling very worried about people abandoning me, having quite intense emotions (mostly negative ones) that can change quite quickly, I don't have a strong sense of who I am which bothers me quite a lot, I feel empty a lot of the time, I have struggled with self harm and suicidal feelings on and off for five or so years, I sometimes have quite intense feelings of anger but not that often and I don’t really have angry outbursts but I do feel sort of out of control, and I sometimes experience dissociation and feeling spaced out. I also feel very lonely and like there must be something wrong with me and that I’m a bad person. I know this probably isn’t enough for anyone to say whether I have BPD, but I’d appreciate some advice on how to manage these things and how to go about bringing it up with a professional if necessary.
TW/ Dealing with other people’s eating/exercise habits
Eating Disorder Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 June 19th, 2021
...See more I’ve struggled with my eating in different ways on and off for a few years now, at times I’ve restricted what I was eating but I worked hard to get to a place where I didn’t feel such a strong urge to do that. Recently I’ve been struggling with sort of exercise addiction and using exercise to compensate what I eat. I’ve been really trying to have a miren healthy relationship with food and exercise, but since November during Covid lockdowns I’ve been staying with my boyfriend and his family. It’s been really nice, but his mum regularly doesn’t eat breakfast until 11am or 12 or even later, and she talks a lot about how little she eats and the exercise she does. It’s really hard for me to hear this stuff because it’s like having the ED voice but from someone close to me. I have asked my boyfriend to speak to her and ask her to not say stuff like that in front of me, and she did stop for a while but today she said again about how she’d only had one meal and done a lot of exercise and was really hungry. I don’t know how to deal with it without feeling like I need to restrict, but also I’m worried that she’s struggling and I feel like I should do something to help.
Distant and numb
Depression Support / by lavenderMoon463
Last post
 June 27th, 2021
...See more I’ve been feeling quite low on and off for a while now, but recently I’ve been getting spaced out quite a lot every day and feeling completely disconnected from myself and my surroundings, almost like I’m dreaming or like I’m not real. It takes so much energy just to get through the day that I have very little left to try and talk to people close to me like my boyfriend, who I know would want to help me but I just don’t know how to explain what’s going on. I feel like I don’t matter and nothing I do counts for anything. I know I want things to change but I don’t know what to do.
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