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kttydacat
2,524 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts108 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 7, 2020
Bio

hey, how are you? my name is elle, i am struggling with anxiety for a long time, currently, i'm recovering from an eating disorder. i am eighteen and want to talk to people who understands my journey. also, i like to share my thoughts by posting here.

Recent forum posts
Things are numb.
Depression Support / by kttydacat
Last post
 December 9th, 2021
...See more What do you guys do when you just get numb? I am going through a depression episode with a lot of sleeping. Like, everything seems bad to me. I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore and things that used to be easy or great demands a lot of energy. And I am always sleepy. Yesterday, I slept for ten hours during the night and slept around three hours in the afternoon. Yet, this night I've slept for six hours and still feel extremely tired and sleepy. I've gained weight, something around 6lbs and for me, a recovered anorexic, this hurts a lot. But I know it's just a phase. I just...want to find joy and happiness in life again, I am trying to be around people all the time, this helps me to not think to much. I am trying to meet my friends around 3 times at week, always trying to see my girlfriend even if it's just for ten minutes... I just want to be happy again, and not feel this pain in the root of my soul. My chest hurts, I am heavy and sometimes I feel so heavy that I just can't get out of the bed.
Introducing me and my ED.
Eating Disorder Support / by kttydacat
Last post
 November 17th, 2021
...See more Hello, my name is Elle! I am Brazilian and I am eighteen years old. Since I was a small kid, I have memories of me eating large portions of food, obsessed of all kinds of foods. Me and parents used to get out a lot while I was growing up and I have a lot of memories of my momma limiting how much I was eating in front of people because I was completely able to easily eat a family size portion of food. At home, I had no limits when it came to food. I could eat as much as I wanted to and, whenever I was out to school our extracurricular activities, I could go to the grocery store and supermarket and buy whatever I wanted to eat. So, I grew up with BED and I can't really define when it became a problem in my life. But I know what always had been a problem, and why food was always a friend of mine, comforting me whenever I needed. I grew up a fat child, a fat and black child on a small town. My mom wasn't really present, she spent almost all day working and I was alone at home most of the time. I had my friends, but always felt an outsider because of my appearence and my weight. When I went to middle school, it was harder. I went to a private school, with white kids and skinny girls. I was a victim of bullying because of my weight and that made me seek for comfort on food again and again. By that time, I was first diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and, of course, BED. I was really young to be dealing with that and was really suic1dal back then, because I needed to end the pain inside of me. By high school time, I moved to another town and went to a school where I found myself. I accepted my body for some time, before the desire to be skinny started to dominate each one of my thoughts. I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough, was always looked down and, somehow, everything started to be about my weight, calories and how much I was exercising. I went deep down on the anorexia hole and lost a lot of weight. I recovered during the quarantine and developed a healthy relationship with food until some weeks ago. Obviously, I had binge episodes during the time I was suffering from anorexia and during my recovery, specially when I came back eating normally for the first time. Now, I am starting college and I also started working, these changes were really hard for me and my journey and I relapsed hard on BED. I seek for comfort in food again, the apathy and the anxiety are taking over me and in order to maybe relieve this feelings or just forget about them, I just eat and eat and eat until I hate myself enough to stop. My weight scares me, my relationship with food scares me. I don't find pleasure in food anymore, not even when I am binging.
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