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My dad isn't the best parent and I'm tired of getting lied to. Let's just start with that. As the title suggests, I've made the decision to completely cut off my dad, literally about 4 hours ago. But as a result, I'm in a state of confusion and sadness. I'd like to see if posting here would help me figure my feelings out.
I need to apologize in advance since this'll be a pretty long post. You can skip the backstory part if that's what you prefer.
[SOME BACKSTORY]
Now, my dad isn't abusive in anyway, but he's been an absent father my whole life. He used to work for a company that requires him to travel far from the town we live in, and besides being an absent father, he's a cheating ***. He would call or text me a couple of times a year just to check on me, and he still sends some money since we depended on him financially.
Ever since the day he left for work when I was 8, I never saw him until when I was in 5th grade where he only stayed for a day and then I never saw him again until I was in college before he went back to his home with his mistress. The last time I met him was during COVID where I had to stay with him and the mistress for 6 months, more or less. They both treated me well and took care of me, but I know for sure he was just trying to make up for those lost years. He's old, frail and sickly, and that's usually the age parents started to wonder why their kids don't want to be around them. He tried but it was too late since I've grown to only care for his money and nothing else. It got to the point where I told my closest friends I won't even give a damn if he dies since he'll be useless for me by then. I know I'm a bad person to think that way, but I can't help it if I'm simply being honest.
My dad has a record of lying to me and giving empty promises. During my earliest semesters, I had to live by myself and I had barely any money to feed myself for a month. I don't know why younger me didn't think of getting a job, but the money sent by my dad was my only source of funds. I was depressed and starving back then, I remember I had to live in a house full of garbage bags, cat poop, maggots and cockroaches in a poor house condition where almost everything was broken. Whenever I asked him if he could send more, he would reassure me that hopefully his business ventures would be successful so he could send more. I found out during my time when I was staying with him that he was actually got scammed by his ex-business partner and lost most of his money. But instead of being transparent to me, he'd just give me empty promises while I was literally starving and my will to live was hanging by a thread.
It's been 4 years since then and I am in a better place now. I thought I've made peace with my imperfect childhood and roller coaster of a life. My dad and I even talked through calls every other day now, which is what younger me could only dream of. I kept the conversations short and curt, but it's better than nothing.
[END OF BACKSTORY]
So I'm currently in the process of dropping out of university but the process takes sooo long. Yesterday I contacted the uni asking about the progress in which the conversation led to me finding out a refund has been sent to my dad's bank account. It was quite the large amount of money and was sent about a month ago. I quickly messaged my dad and confronted him about it, and he admitted that my uni did send the money but he already used it because he really needed it at the time, he then apologized for not telling me beforehand.
You see, I'm quite a forgiving person and tend to give second chances, but then something in me snapped and I just decided that I've had enough. I told him he should've told me if it's something that important, especially when he kept telling me he's short on money and can only send a little, which I was okay with and even reassured him that I'd be very frugal so he doesn't need to send more than what was necessary. To think that he'd lie to my face when I would sacrifice my well-being for his elderly ***. It's not even about the money, it's about breaking MY trust.
I finally told him I hate liars and that he's lost my trust completely. I will not tolerate anymore lies and don't wanna have anything to do with him anymore. I blocked him and told both my mother and fiance that I've cut off my dad and from this day onward I won't have a dad anymore. But now I'm tormented inside. I'd tear up whenever I think of the sentence "I cut off my dad from my life". It's like the kind, loving side of me that I grew up with is fighting with my wise, mature self that I recently acquired in my 20's.
I'm thankful for the people I kept in my life. My mother was being very understanding and respected my decision, she then wished my heart some peace. While my fiance kept giving me his support and made sure that I have a shoulder to cry on. In fact, after writing this and re-reading the post, I've come to realize that I think the decision I've made is quite difficult and heavy, but necessary. My feelings have cleared, I've accepted that I was doing the right thing. This isn't something that can be fixed even if my dad sent me the money. He's dead to me and I have zero regrets. I used to think that people were being dramatic when they say such things, but today I understand the feeling.
If you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I feel much better now.