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justokayhuman
100 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 23, 2022
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Struggling
Relationship Stress / by justokayhuman
Last post
 February 6th, 2022
...See more I've been with my husband 6.5 years, married the last 3. I'm really struggling with feeling like I might be happier if I was alone. I've never been on my own, I went from living with my parents to living with him. Part of me longs for complete independence. He also thinks I need to be more independent (hobbies and/or my own income) but does not know I've been thinking the way I have been. We get along great, zero fights. When we disagree/have a confrontation we don't tell or scream or anything. I tend to cry, but generally we're very calm and logical about it. One of the issues for me is the disappearance of some of the affection/intimacy/romance starting about 3.5 years ago. I've brought it up many times, trying to frame it as a discussion of my needs and wants rather than being accusatory. He usually says it's stress or simply not being in the mood as much as me, or he "just doesn't think about it". However the last time we talked about it (last week) he said something about it being normal to get comfortable in a relationship and sort of implied that automatically means nothing is wrong and I'm expecting too much (I'm not asking much tbh. I just don't think just because we've lost the romance that it's gone forever. He just doesn't seem to want to make the effort). He also compared me to his ex (first time), which really bothers me. But he hates talking about things that have already been 'resolved' so I haven't brought it up. During this same conversation, I acknowledged his admittedly accurate observation that my mental state seemed to be getting more unstable and mentioned (again! I have talked about this with him before) that I believe I'm ADHD and or have Executive Function Disorder, and am probably depressed right now. He adamantly refuses to believe I'm ADHD. He says everyone struggles and that's normal. He insisted I don't need therapy. I told him I'd work on myself as best I could and if some time from now, if I feel like I'm still struggling too much, I'm going to want to see a therapist. But his dismissal of my genuine concerns absolutely bothers me. There's other things, lying/misrepresenting himself to get people to like him (one time that I know of), strong preferences regarding my appearance... And I find myself wondering if I can really spend the rest of my life with this person. That being said, our current situation sucks. We hate where we live and have wanted to move for ages. But last year was really awful. He lost a parent, he lost a bunch of money in the stock market (after we both quit our jobs) our cars needed repairs.. it was a lot. But he's trying to get a job out of state which I'm hoping will basically fix things. I know that probably sounds weird, but an environment change might do the trick. His mom was not happy living here and she moved away last year and is like the happiest she's ever been. Anyway, basically in my worst moments I consider leaving. I feel really really guilty about it since there's nothing concrete I can say he's done to me like cheating or abuse to justify it. And he's always said I saved him (hi ls ex was abusive) and he doesn't know what he'd do without me. But I don't even know if I want the same things I thought I did before, like kids. I just don't know for sure. But then again, maybe that's the depression and crappy environment and just feeling out of control. We love each other, but I don't think we're in love anymore. And I get the honeymoon period doesn't last (I think maybe he thinks that's what I want) but that doesn't mean you have to let the sparks just fade away entirely. You just have to make an effort to romanticize your own relationship but I feel like it's a one-sided effort most of the time. Over the years of me bringing it up he'll try for a little while but it always reverts back. I just don't really know if I want our relationship to be my future. I've already decided to give it more time. Hopefully things will get better with financial security and a change of scenery. If not, I guess I'll have to sit him down and have the really hard talk. It's hard keeping it to myself but he's stressed enough as it is. Sorry for the super long post but I really needed to get that off my chest. I can't talk to family about it and I have no friends.
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