...See more
**Trigger warning**
Hi,
I am a 35 year old man.
I would like to share the details of abuses I faced as a child. It is heartbreaking to refer some of the incidents as "abusive", as one of the person involved is my sister and I lover her. I never hated her in my life.
The first incident happened when I was 3 or 4 years of age. My parents were professionals and we were taken care of by a house maid. She was roughly around 30-35 years old at that time. I have clear memories of she locking mechanism in a room, where she become naked and lie down and ask me to touch her private part. I did not had any idea what was going on and I did what she said. I don't remeber exactly how long this act continued. Later, after few months, the house maid left our home for some other reason.
The next series of incidents happens with my sister. I don't remeber the exact age. I was probably around 8 years and she was 13 years. As I have said, my parents were emplyed and have 10AM-5PM office schedule. Hence, my sister had an extra role of taking care of us, as me and my brother were much younger than her. At one day, my sister started performing the same act on us, which the house maid used to perform on me.
Now, I doubt what motivated my sister to perform such acts. Was she also a victim of abuse from the house maid? Who knows?
I remeber my sister used to lie down naked and ask us to experiment with her private parts. This happened mostly on a daily basis. My brother was less cooperative and less manipulative. He lost interest in that act somehow. But she continued the act with me. I think she continued this 3 more years till she reached 16 years of age.
As a second phase of her satisfaction, she found another way to do it. She taught me how to use my tounge to satisfy her. I don't even know what exactly happening but I knew she was enjoying it. But unfortunately after every such acts, she used to beat me lightly with a stick and threaten me not to repeat the act. I was so much confused and starter feeling guilt.I starter beleieving that it was my fault. She continued the act for such a long time whenever she got the opportunity to get me alonea t home.
Another single instance of an incident was when I was 8 years old, one of my classmate sat near me. She groped me (grabbed my private parts) while the teacher was present in the class and it was extremely embarrasing. It seemed a normal incident but it added to the regular internal conflict I get from my home.
I would describe one more incident with one of my cousin (4 years older than me). We were playing on a parked motorbike in the garrage. During the player, she made me touch her in certain way. As a child I did not had any clue what was going to happen later. I think she got aroused and carried me into a dark room and lied on the bed. Suddenly my intuition kicked in and this time I initiated the act. I started doing the the same act that was taught by my sister. She wanted me to continue but the whole act was interrupted by our aunt. Luckily, the aunt never saw exactly what happened. Now, I would say actually I was saved by my aunt from entering another age inappropriate relation.
You can imagine how innocent can a child be at that age. I never knew what is sex. All I was doing was stupidly following what those people said. But as a child also, I started having inner conflicts and realized that something is wrong with me.
Now, I would say how these incidents affected me even without understanding anything at that age.
I was a nervous kid. I have developed stuttering, bedwetting, nail and skin biting. I used to get sweaty hands, and palms, and extreme fear of many things like cockroach, spider etc. I did not like intimacy from the parents that much.
I had intrusive thoughts from a very early age. There were sexual thoughts also. I reacted to those thoughts saying "No..No..that should not happen". It was happening like a loop most of the times in a day. My parents used to noice this strange behaviour, but never understood what did the words meant. They did not have any idea about the inner struggles a 6 or 7 year old boy was going through. Also, at that time the awareness of mental health was also rare. I never spoke to anyone about those incidents due to fear.
I was extremely shy and kept a distance from girls. I grew as extremely private and introvert person with least friends. My stammering and bedwetting worsened as I grow older. I was always indifferent among my peer groups.
Luckily, I was very good in studies and never failed in that. But my social circle was a tiny one hence the social skills was poor. In essence, my confidence in the areas except study was extremely low.
Another bad milestone in my life happend when I hit puberty. You can imagine the intensity of having the memories of scent of women from a very young age and entering into puberty. A very bad habit was developed as a result of that. I secretly started accessing innerwear of my sister to stimulate myself, whenever I got chance. At this age I understood the reason that she used me to participate in the sexual act. I got flashbacks and started exploring more in that direction. This became a habit and luckily it stopped once I realised that is bad and illegal.
I was bedwetting on a daily basis till my 23 years of age. I feared the embarrassment I can get from bedwetting when I go for school/collge tour and required to share bed with friends. Worsened stammering added to the trauma.
My college (UG) life was better and I enjoyed a lot. Stammering was still a big hurdle for me. It prevented me from enjoying certain aspects of my life like having a gf. I had a feeling that I am not mentally old enough to propose to girls. My parents told me that I am till childish. My PG life was not much different. Even at the age of 24, my parents used to treat me aa a small child due to my inherent nature.
After my PG, I joined a PhD programe at one of the prestigious college in my country. This is the place where I discovered myself. I became active for the first time in my life (sports and club activities). I enjoyed an ultimate freedom during this time breaking away the barrier existed for many years. I started speaking to girls and had many crushes there. But I was still not confident to propose them. I also feared the sexual interaction with girls due to the flashbacks I could get from it.
The turing point in my life was when I found my soulmate at the age of 32. She is the best I could get. She accepted me aven after listening to my entire life story.
But as we started our romantic and physical relationship, things started to be difficult for me. I got the flashbacks, anxiety, extreme intrusive thoughts related to sexual things and other things. My gf is well aware of this and supportive but I am having hard time to cope.
My ponography usage increased and it became an addiction. I am having thoughts about sex too often than required. But I have a very good chemistry with my gf and our sexual life together is extremely good. At the same time I am extremely stressful, anxious and depressive most of the times, especially if I stay away from her during vacations.
My intrusive thinking is making me feel like a failure, and it takes away my energy. I have developed imposter syndrome and extremely low confidence in myself.
One thing I can proudly say that I am a gentle and soft person, who never abused anyone in my life by any means.
Sorry for this long explanation. Can anyone suggest me a way to deal with my current situation? I would like to know if my present struggles are influenced by the sexual experiences in my childhood? I wish I could have taken therapy at my childhood itself. But I hope it is not too late. Thanks you for your patience to read such a long description.
Thanks
