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inventiveTiger8937
1,573 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 27 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts32 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2021 Member sinceAugust 21, 2016
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How im feeling right now
Anxiety Support / by inventiveTiger8937
Last post
 August 7th, 2017
...See more Firstly to give you some context on who i am so that maybe you can better understand why i feel like i do. I love sports. I have been playing field hockey for 10 years now, badminton for more and currently i just started playing tchoukball and floorball. These past few weeks i have been literrally playing a sport everyday including saturdays and sundays. Sports is a way for me to forget about stress, it makes me excited and focused and i have tons of fun. Hockey has been my life and i'm currently playing for a club where i really need to perform well because i am the center mid and i never get subbed out so i play the full hour everytime. I have a uni inter-faculty competition for tchoukball and floorball and also a league hockey tournament all coming up in august. But, i just sprained my ankle. I know sprains arent that big a deal, i used to think that i could walk off a sprain but apparently i can't (I tried). The physiotherapist says that it'll take months to properly heal, time which i dont have. Plus everytime i walk, i am scarred. Scarred of the pain and scarred that i'll do something that makes it worse. I feel like i am letting down all my friends and team members because of this little sprain and i can't even begin to explain the frustration i feel at being so weak. My parents are't helping much. My dad is always in his own world and my mum is the worst. Everytime i see her or everytime she talks to me all i hear in my head is 'You're so weak why can't you walk properly." or "What a wimp it's not like you're crippled". And she still asks me why am i in such a bad mood. Apparently my mood isnt bad enough because she announces to my extended family during dinner that i am in a bad mood as if it's wrong. This entire day i have been trying my very best to be happy, to not break down and start crying because No1. its not something that i do and No2. my mum is already stressed enough with my granddad who has been in and out of hospital removing blood clots in his head. Right now i am nothing but trouble to her and i can feel how much of a burden i am. I know that this is a very common situation and in my case at least nothing is fractured or torn but everytime i walk i have to fight off this feeling of panic and fear and its really really difficult to have to keep holding off tears. I wish i could say all of this to a friend but i already feel like a burden i don't want to make it worse. So i decided to just send this out online where it'll probably just get covered by everything else thats happening. If you do read everything i have written then i really appreciate you taking the time. At least i know that someone will actually listen.
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someone help
Depression Support / by inventiveTiger8937
Last post
 November 10th, 2016
...See more i really want to give up on myself, in fact i think i already have but im still trying to climb back up but nothing is working. i dont know who to talk to and i am starting to get tired of trying
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ranting, dont mind me
Depression Support / by inventiveTiger8937
Last post
 September 19th, 2016
...See more Currently i am taking the second most important exam for this year and after my mid year's screw up i cant afford to let my grades drop further and i have to really perform. I started out quite strong actually, i was extra attentive, extra hard working and focused but i couldnt keep it up for long and i became so tired and drained. I felt like i wasnt worth all the extra effort and thoughts like what if i still fail in the end or what if i couldnt get better because im such a failure by nature. So in order to keep going on i started cutting at least once before every exam so thats basically like everyday and it helped tremendously i could focus during the exam and only feel panicked once or twice throughout the exam. The problem is that i think it is very shameful to cut and i feel so disgusted with myself and guilty and its like an extra burden i have to carry around with me. Hopefully after the exams end i would stop cutting but it feels like a neccessity now to keep me going. What im afraid is that i started wanting to cut deeper and deeper but it difficult to hide a deep cut and not to mention its really a bother to have to press down on the wound to stop the bleeding if i was alone at home id rather it kept dripping until it dries up on its own. Sometimes i wish i lived alone and away from my family but i dont think thats gonna come true in the near future, sigh.
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