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hoover is really fucking me up
hi, i was recently discarded by a narcissistic abuser. short and simple, i now know what real evil looks like.
i feel completely fucking distraught right now and so i apologize if my post reflects that and i fail to type this up in a coherent manner. my ex came back to talk to me, as soon as i had started to feel better. they spoke to me objectively, without empathy, and did not care for my pain at all. they said that they were "talking as a shell", that they felt nothing towards me. oh, prior to this, 2 months back, they cheated on me, then left me in the dust after calling me a slew of insults. for those past 2 months i could not bring myself to go no contact, because i had believed they were not truly 100% emotionless. it turns out, they were. big surprise, huh? i felt so angry, i had called them many bad names prior to them making contact with me again because all the abuse i now realized they inflicted on me. i'd never insulted them until now.
when they came back, oh god, i apologized, i wanted to talk to them, i wanted them to come back, i wanted them to talk to me, i want to tell them all that happened, i wanted them to comfort me as a friend. however, at first, i kept my guard up, trying to speak objectively, but they kept talking in the way that i loved—it was weird, like they were playing some kind of mind games, they would talk in the way that we used to talk in a way, but in a condescending manner? i don't know, it's hard to explain. they said they didn't know if they felt anything for me anymore, that they had to stop talking after tonight. i caved. i told them i wanted to talk more, i wanted to talk like we used to and just share all that happened, make up, please tell me this isn't true.
then they switched. they went to objective, to cruel, telling me that they never loved me, they used me for over a year. i told them i've probably been lied and taken advantage of my entire life. they agreed, but offered 0 empathy. no consolation, no apologies, no real understanding. at that point i still wanted to forgive, it couldn't be true, could it?
then they told me they were seeing somebody new, that they were so much more happy there, that they really loved them, that i never really loved them. they eventually told me it was their ex, and that their ex called me crazy. it must all be my fault. they said that i believe after saying "i only loved you because i was young" or something akin to that. they treated me like i was intellectually inferior to them, they acted so high and mighty, even going so far as to say they were enlightened or something within 2 months. even said they experienced "ego death" without LSD. i smell some bullshit & overcompensation going on, but i can't help but think maybe i really am pathetic, maybe i really did lose something great. after this, they even posted the radiohead lyric "high and dry", knowing i would look into it and probably traumatize myself further. they know how sensitive i am to music.
oh god, the worst part probably was the fact that they had constantly said things like "ill send you nudes if you want them". i felt disgusted, i said no, PLEASE NO. i fucking told them not to, and i believe i even mentioned to them that i can't even bring myself to delete their photos, especially ones like those, because of how big of a traumatic trigger it is for me. they hit all of my fucking triggers, and like i said before, with music too. i feel so disgusted, sad, humiliated and pathetic, and they made fun of my body, told me how pathetic and sad i was, tood me they never loved me. i can't do this. i don't feel connected to anyone anymore. they put up such a facade of perfection to me. they had the audacity to call ME a covert narcissist.
im sorry about how jumbled this post is. i struggle with trying to convey how i feel. i feel like i just sound like someone who wants to be a victim. i dont want to be a victim. they made fun of me, saying that i only came to the conclusion they were a narcissist to "stop the tears at night", that i go to narcissistic abuse survivor communities because they're "hugging circles of victims", that i'm pathetic for wanting reassurance, because they know i suffer from OCD and that is a common compulsion that i've displayed before, that i just self-diagnose and that i don't know shit, that i'm deranged and disgusting. it must all be true. i must just want to be the victim. i can't fucking take this anynore, this isn't even all that's fucked up with my life. it's just an extra cherry on top. fuck everything.