heathaze Member Profile

...See more Hi all, didn't know this app had a thread section. Giving it a try because I gotta do something different. I've been in a relationship with the love of my life for almost 2 years. I met her after a year of therapy where I had to deal with a lot of heavy sexual trauma from my childhood that had gone largely unaddressed for almost as long as I've been alive. Even while we've been together, I've been more aware of how that trauma has worked its way through my psyche, almost like an alternate personality...my better nature takes a backseat, and this perverted side of me takes over and wreaks havoc. Pornography and general sexual deviance is how it manifests, and it's very much like an addiction. She confronted me with it recently, because she noticed things were different. But the thing that was different was that, for the first time in my life, I was trying to get it under control and "fix" it instead of just getting better at hiding it, which I knew would only lead to her getting badly hurt. We had...a couple rough weeks filled with hard conversations, folks. But we talked it out, and I genuinely feel like she understands and supports this endeavor to just be better. The part that is frustrating, though, is that I'm having a lot harder time being intimate, even flirtatious with her. We're still sexually active, but not as much as we used to be, and when she says something suggestive or sexually flirtatious to me...I find myself skirting around it. And I feel like it's because in the past, I responded to those things by engaging that perverted side of myself, the sexualized child that has had 37 years to distort and be reinforced by negative influences throughout life. I'm done doing that. I don't want to be that person. It's only ever brought me pain and shame. But I don't know where to find the sexuality my partner needs without it, and I'm afraid that this is going to lead to an end I don't want unless I figure it out soon. I don't want to feel like I'm being coerced into engaging that part of me that has only ever led to shame. I just don't really know how to be sexually healthy, because all of that potential was taken from me right when I was forming my first conscious thoughts. Sorry if this is really deep and heavy, I just hope there's someone who can relate and can provide insight.

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