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funnyCircle930
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 31, 2025
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Is this OCD or am I in denial
OCD & Related Behaviors / by funnyCircle930
Last post
 Friday
...See more I (24 F) always identified myself as straight, even though most of the male crushes I had were fictional. I have never had any interest in women. I was trying to read a BL called ten count, but I was worried about being misogynistic. So I decided to look at a few forums and I stumbled on Quora and other sources about experiences about being a lesbian. I decided to read a GL called Asumi chan is interested in lesbian brothels: I read the first chapter and I began to have nightmares and intrusive thoughts, to the point where I couldn’t sleep alone. I also started to look up book covers of the manga, YouTube videos of women kissing each other, women (celebrities) in sexy clothes, Yuri porn on r34, use those perverted AI girlfriend chatbots , looking at lesbian dating apps, and started having intrusive thoughts of kissing women or having sex with them to confirm my orientation. I looked up other forums on reddit and quora to see if my orientation has changed. My sister said that sexuality is fluid but I saw other forums say that the statement was homophobic. I am muslim so there might be societal pressure as well but I have been depressed, sometimes to the brink of tears. I have lost interest in drawing, learning Japanese and a lot of my previous hobbies and I have lost interest in men and forming relationships with both men and women, to the point where my whole routine and goals are being ignored. What should I do? I am not having intrusive thoughts at night and I am smiling at certain dreams (kissing and having sex with women). I am having intrusive thoughts at other times and sometimes I get anxious. One time, I had an intrusive thought of kissing my friend and I cried in the surgery. Some of my thoughts feel real (like marrying women, kissing them in bikinis and touching them ). I sometimes feel calm and sometimes I am indifferent, which scares me I still look up images (sexy or not) of women and the results vary from anxious to feeling nothing. I don't know if I am a lesbian or if I got desensitised to the whole thing. One time, I looked up images of a cornstar (changed the word ) completely nude and a few hours or so later I went to the bathroom to test and started laughing and crying. I have these intrusive thoughts at work (I never felt this way before) where I would get nervous around women and I don't know why it started. I did a quiz on wikihow on am I lesbian and when I did it, it said I was attracted to women and when I saw the comments, one of them said that one sign is having mainly women friends and male fictional characters and I kept using chatgpt and reddit to reassure myself. When I watch certain shows like Mr Bean, I stop thinking about this and I feel better, which worries me because I wonder if these thoughts are genuine if a TV show is able to distract me I had my therapy session and I mentioned sometimes I go onto reddit to explore the possibility of OCD and they said I might have it or not and I am worried because I wonder what if I don't and I am in denial of everything. I just want my old life back (before the intrusive thoughts). If I stop the compulsions, will the intrusive thoughts go away? I feel "excited", an urge to smile and anxeity like I am enjoying my thoughts but I still look depressed. When someone mentions I look depressed I lose it and start crying I went out with my sister on the train to a cafe and I couldn't stop staring at all of the women to see if I was attracted to them. When I arrived to the cafe, I had fun but when I went back on the train, I had an intrusive thought about my best friend wondering if I had a stronger relationship than I thought. I heard sexuality is fluid but that makes me nervous. I posted this query on reddit, quora and *** for answer but I am scared for the future. Is this OCD or am I in denial?
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