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findingNiko
1,610 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 100 Compassion hearts142 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2016 Member sinceAugust 29, 2015
Recent forum posts
it's all connected
Trauma Support / by findingNiko
Last post
 September 1st, 2015
...See more It was hinted to me, recently, that adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse have had 'more than enough time' to 'get over it'. I'm unsure as to how I could possibly 'get over it', when 'it' has been one of the key ingredients to my never-freakin-ending state of depression. At 7 years old, I was raped by a close relative. It happened once, but one time was enough to damage me forever. It shaped me into a contradictory ball of anxiety, an emotion-bomb on the highest possible setting, with the obsessive desire to be loved, while simultaneously fearing everything. I was told then to move on, so I did, to them. I played my part so well, the happy little girl, that they all assumed I'd made it up. The rest of my life, I was told it didn't happen. But. I remember. So. Much. The anxiety, depression, fibro, anorexia, insomnia, shyness, feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt... they are all connected... intertwined with my soul; I don't know how to cut out those pieces without killing the rest of me.
starting again
Eating Disorder Support / by findingNiko
Last post
 September 1st, 2015
...See more Due to growing up poor, I didn't est much as a kid. Because of that and other stressors, I became anorexic fairly young. It lasted until my first pregnancy, when I force myself to eat for the baby. I lost the weight s couple months after birth. The second pregnancy brought all new stressors, and, instead of starving myself, I ate ALL the things. When my dad passed away, the binging got worse. I never became what is considered obese, but any extra weight on my petite frame looks like a lot. The depression I've been in (this time around) has lasted almost a year straight. The last two months or so have been especially hard, and I've recently lost [edited for weight specifics / triggers by forum mentor] pounds. I realized I'd go through most days just eating a spoon of peanut butter and raisins. I still have [edited] pounds I could lose before it became a worry, but I don't want to slip into that mindset again, no matter how much I want to get thinner. Of course, at the same time, it feels like something I could be in control of, again, since everything else in my life is spiraling out of my hands.
lost
Journals & Diaries / by findingNiko
Last post
 September 1st, 2015
...See more There is so much, and there's always so much; never-ending rain pummels down, and I drown in each drop. The only ways out are unavailable to me, for multiple reasons. So what can I do? What techniques and treatments should I use to soldier on? It's so dark inside, it hurts. Every cherished light drifts further from my reach, to which I blame myself. Always blame myself. It is my fault; the guilt-quilt is heavy today. In plain sight, I am lost.
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