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ffmedic112
68,258 M Big Steps 1
PathStep 94 Compassion hearts639 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes20 Current upvotes20 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2021 Member sinceAugust 8, 2015
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wondering if I will ever be happy again
Depression Support / by ffmedic112
Last post
 November 21st, 2017
...See more So, this is my first ever post to a forum. I work night times, and in the lull I get on here and wander around and read and try to gather some source of positive energy to keep me going while I am here. Thanks for everyone being here to post and be sincere to each other. Because, well... we all know how bad this gets. I have been in a slump for a long time. More of a canyon than a rut maybe... Things started going downhill in 2012 when I was beaten in the head at work. two times. one on day one and one on day two. Back to back concussions that compounded on top of each other. But, after I got over the initial concussive/tbi effects I was able to maintain again. Fast forward to 2014. I went back to that same place to work as my contract at another place had ended and my agency could only send me back to this place. Needing to make a living, I decided to give it another go. Afterall I had worked there for 4 years off and on in between private duty contracts. I was there a month and doing good. Gaining confidence again in myself and not scared to be around the patients I took care of there. One night when we were very short staffed, I was asked to be 1:1 with this particular male patient who targeted females. Although I am a female the charge nurse made me go down there as he was "sleeping" -__- He was not sleeping. And when another female passed in behind me in the hallway he started to charge at us both. I took a defensive stance, and he backed off. (I'm no small weak thin woman. Im a big country girl who can squat 475 pounds) I took a few steps backwards to my chair I was sitting in. When I glanced downward to see my chair (on wheels. didn't want to fall on floor as that would be embarrassing) He came up in a quick second and knocked me out, broke my nose, flung me clear across the hallway, and messed with one of my eye sockets. After the concussive effects and such were lessened, I noticed my PTSD, depression,anxiety ect was way worse than it had ever been before. I had resumed going to therapy back in 2013. That was a good start. Started back on meds in 2013 as well. But I noticed that it wasn't helping and I was still in a bad place. I got a new job! finally! Only, to be so weird with PTSD from the beatings that I found that I could no longer do patient care. I was scared to be around anyone. I freaked out when people came up on me from behind. And in a hospital... that happened a lot. I had my therapist help me write a script that I could print out, and HR approved it and I had to collect signatures from all the staff there saying they received it that said I had ptsd and not to come up behind me and offered like 5 other solutions or ideas to get my attention. That wasn't good enough. People still touched me and came up behind me and one day I brushed a hand off my back and was told I nearly broke an arm. I got sent home on unpaid leave pending an investigation. Anxiety attacks were so bad that I couldn't function. I filed a harassment claim against the worker that kept touching me at the hospital and I resigned my job there because after I got sent home they sent cops to my house claiming that I was some sort of "crazy psychotic woman who was going to come shoot everyone up for touching me" That was the furthest thing from my mind. I am so scared of them and ashamed of myself I couldn't even gather enough strength to go in and face them again. I have been unemployed, bounced job to job since then. That was in 2015. I have been at this new place (No patient care!!) for about 2 years and I have liked it here. I feel safe here and know that no one would hurt me like the other place. But... despite all that I have sustained in total 6 head injuries since 2012. I have had to be forcibly kept at a hosptial because the darkness from all my depressio and anxiety takes hold. I have had to go on more meds and more meds and nothing helps. I am finally able to trust my therapist with things that only my two sisters know. I know i need healing. I have lost my family, all my friends, my relationships in not for profits, my community's confidence in me, I quit firefighting, I quit paramedic-ing, I quit traveling, I quit god. I quit life. Things are so broken inside and I don't know if they will ever feel good again. Like truly good. Satisfied. No more breakdowns. Able to cope with anything. I miss myself. I have had an identity crisis of sorts with all of this because I had to give up nearly every single thing that identifies myself. Stripped and broken. This rut has turned into the canyon it is. And I just want peace. Love. Cared For. Rest. I don't like feeling every day that I want to die. I gave birth to my only son this past year and I live for him. But even him, his love his smile his everything.... its not enough for me to have will to keep up the torture that is my mess of a mind. Is anyone else like this? what do you do? what works? Treatment resistant depression? Help?
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