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f1nd3rzk33p3rz
6,757 M Moving Along 4
PathStep 560 Compassion hearts284 Forum posts76 Forum upvotes102 Current upvotes102 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 25, 2022
Bio

✝︎ welcome to cadaver cemetery ✝︎


my name is josh. i'm 15, and an openly-gay emo kid. i'm an aspiring forensic psychologist, who spends his free time writing. i am going to be committing to academic studies very soon, so i won't be active unless i need emotional support.

i'm mentally-ill, neurodivergent and physically disabled. because of this, my time on here may be sporadic or suddenly come to a halt. i assure you, i'm probably okay: i just don't have the spoons to be social.

some of my favourite things include: music, animals, languages, and writing. my favourite music genre is rock, my favourite band is you me at six, and my favourite song is either cold night, or there's no such thing as accidental infidelity. (though, this changes often haha). my favourite animal is a deer, i think.







i want to study many languages (spanish, german, french, dutch, arabic, welsh), but i'm currently studying italian and british sign language. i want to travel europe one day, but i'm kind of scared of flying =p 

"l'errore tuo è stato amarmi come se domani il mondo fosse uguale a com'era ieri..."












Recent forum posts
Hallucinations
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by f1nd3rzk33p3rz
Last post
 February 10th, 2022
...See more (bit of a vent below. tw for blood mentions) i don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. is that bug real? are those steps real? that blood in the sink... is it really there? the blood on my hands... where has it come from? those voices, that music, that smell of perfume... are they real? who knows anymore? i don't. i can't shower without feeling blood on my hands or seeing it on the walls. i can't sleep in my own room without seeing him. can't just exist in my own house without hearing something... i don't know how to cope anymore. it keeps getting better, and then worse, and then better, and then worse again...
Friendship/Relationship Troubles
Personality Disorders Support / by f1nd3rzk33p3rz
Last post
 January 28th, 2022
...See more (kinda-triggering ramble/vent below) it's come to the point where my bpd is affecting those around me. i have a crush on someone. he's my best friend. and everything was fine, until i found out he has a crush on someone else. i felt betrayed. i don't know why. it's not like he's promised to me or anything, and i knew he'd never like me. but i'm heartbroken. i can't even talk to him properly without tearing up. talking to him makes me nauseous. i miss him. i miss what we had, but i can't see him the way i used to. i just feel like he was purposely stringing me on, because he knows i like him. but then he asked to talk to me about possibly having a crush on his friend and i just. but my feelings about this are affecting my friends outside of him, my family, him. he think he's done something wrong and he hasn't. but i just. feel betrayed by him in some sick way. he thinks i hate him and i don't. it's not him i hate. it's them, the person he likes. i hate them. they ruined the only good thing that's happened to me in literally a decade lmao. i don't really hate them but i do. not really but i just. i don't know. i don't want to hate them. they make him happy. but why isn't that me? why can't i make him happy like they do? all this time i thought he was talking about me being the one thing he cares about... that was all just my stupid imagination lmfao. the thing i've learned from life is that if someone says they love me, they probably don't. everyone in my life who's said they loved me lied. family, friends, lovers... i truly am just unloveable. i don't know how to feel or to process this... how do i stop letting my feelings ruin our friendship? ruin my relationships with everyone else around me?
Distractions For Fighting Relapse? (TW?)
Self-Harm Recovery / by f1nd3rzk33p3rz
Last post
 January 27th, 2022
...See more it's been about a month if not more since i last relapsed. i've had a lot of urges lately, and i really want to give in, but i know i'm going to go overboard again like last time. last time gave a sepsis scare. i don't think i can go through that again... i really don't want to relapse but i don't know how to distract myself it's getting really hard to ignore the urges...
Loneliness
Relationship Stress / by f1nd3rzk33p3rz
Last post
 January 26th, 2022
...See more hey, i'm josh. i'm homeschooled, and i can't leave my house to make friends (being trans in a transphobic town isn't fun). every online friend i try to make gets bored of me after so many months. how can i make longer-lasting friends online?
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