ducksinthewind Member Profile

...See more My boyfriend and I live together. He's wonderful, gentle, attentive, funny, and quite charming. He works for an abuse hotline, was in the military for 16 years (non-combat), and has a masters degree in psychology. When we first started dating, he commented (in an appropriate setting) that he didn't drink liquor anymore because he didn't like how it made him feel or act. He would have the occasional beer or we would share a couple glasses from a bottle of wine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Last year I started noticing that we couldnt keep Jameson in the house- every bottle i bought was gone within a few days. I confronted him each time and he would always apologize and replace it, but that bottle was gone quickly too (these bottles were bought weeks apart, I just chalked it up to a couple party binges). Or when we split a bottle of wine for dinner, I seemed to only get one glass as he was drinking his so quickly and refilling. I thought he just liked the bottle. This past Christmas he came to me and said he had a drinking problem but he has it under control; I don't need to worry, he just wanted to let me know. I was shocked- how could I not have known it was so bad? I realized he was drinking heavily after I went to bed so there was no way I would see him. He explained this isn't the first time he's had a problem; years ago he developed a habit "out of boredom" and says it spiraled from there, but he tapered himself down and had been very careful until recently. I asked if he was having symptoms of depression, if something happened to trigger this, if he would talk to me about it; he just said he didn't want to open up right now but we could talk later. I respected his wishes and hoped for the best. Over the next few months I started paying attention to his behaviors more and would occasionally ask him gently to open up; he always declined. One day I went into his office (we both work from home) and asked him about this notepad on his desk with a bunch of dates and numbers. He said he was tracking his drinks every night to be sure he tapered down safely without having any withdrawal effects. I commented that some of the numbers were quite high- 5, 6, 8- so it doesn't seem like he is tapering at all and I'm worried about him. Later on I asked him to please consider going to therapy or AA to get some extra support. He said he would give it some thought; he never went. Last month he was drunk again and I had a very strong emotional reaction. I cornered him and forced him to tell me what's going on with him- it had been 6 months since he told me there was a problem, he didn't seem to be getting any better, and was still brushing off my concerns with "I don't want to talk right now but we will later". He said the stress of his job was getting to him and he had some recent body image problems and the combined stress caused him to self-medicate. It was like a weight was lifted off my chest that we finally had a breakthrough, but there was still work to be done. He stopped keeping the journal after I found it and asked him about it, and I also discovered he has been hiding rum in his office, but I suspect he hides alcohol in the basement too. It isn't just the drinking itself that bothers me. He becomes disrespectful, rude, and inconsiderate to me when he drinks, and it makes me very upset. Plus when he gets so drunk he can't keep his eyes open or even stand up properly... it kind of disgusts me at this point seeing it almost every week. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man but his drinking problem and his unwillingness to do anything about it has really changed the way I see him. I feel like he is choosing alcohol over me and the life we have built together. I don't want to walk away from him but I am nearing the end of my rope.

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