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First of all, I just turned 31 years old.
I have two autoimmune diseases diagnosed in 2015 (with the many other health issues they create) and I've been on a treatment that made me gain 15+kg, going from about 52kg to 70kg, now it's a bit lower. In October I got my meds switched and the new ones mess with my period to the point of basically having two periods a month (a normal one and one during the luteal phase). I've been dealing with depression since high school but since I started getting two periods a month, my state has been gradually worsening. I have an appointment to an endocrinologist (as I'm sure it's my progesterone at fault) at the end of the month, but I will have my results read (and a treatment prescribed, hopefully) only in a month from now. I need to cope until then but I already feel exhausted, it's not like I had many resources in the first place.
I've been in uni since 2011. It's been 12 years since I started my journey to getting a Bachelor's degree because of both mental (anxiety, brain fog) and physical health issues and I feel like it's harder and harder to achieve that because my state is getting worse. Maybe it's needless to say I don't work. Some new health issue always arises. This autumn I had to interrupt my uni again because I couldn't get rid of my diarrhea so I could attend classes. I investigated that problem, no issue found, suspect no.1 -> the medicines I have to take so my body won't kill me. So ironic... I found some meds that help but I still have to be extra careful with what I eat.
I have absolutely no friends either. I used to have a couple of.."friends"...but I had to leave them because: 1st one) she'd constantly try to put me down by even bragging about herself being healthy and not taking any medicine. 2nd one) stopped going out with me and, when I asked why, she said it's because she's fed up having to consider my lack of mobility (one of my autoimmune diseases makes my muscles hurt so I have to walk more slowly than a healthy person) and therefore going to the same places. Places > people. Priorities.
I'm single and I've always been. Tried dating apps years ago and had a few dates but they were unsuccessful. At this point, being ill, fat, jobless and with no degree, I have no chance at dating someone. Here almost everyone has a Bachelor's degree and people are very materialistic. After "how are you?" the next questions always are "what do you do for a living?" and "what do/did you study?". For example, years ago, I used to talk to a guy I met on a dating app, I really liked him but he'd only lead me on while adding new girls on his friend list. Of course I looked on their profiles and they were all accomplished people, young dentists, psychologists (him being an engineer)...unlike me. I figured then why he was leading me on... He probably liked me but wanted something better. He'd always find the resources to go on dates but not with me, always telling me he has no time and other lame excuses. I cut him out. He made me feel so bad that I still visit his profile sometimes (like once or twice a year) to see if he's still single. And he's still single and that makes me feel good. He probably feels miserable too but...I was there and we both could've been happy together today. Or not.
I keep trying to talk to people on various international apps so I don't feel as isolated but I rarely receive a reply from those I contact, no matter how little or big effort I put into my messages, and if I get replies, sometimes and especially lately, I can't bring myself to keep replying back.
If I weren't so alone and lonely I would feel better. There's too much struggle in my life and absolutely no reward, no purpose. I haven't had a cup of tea with someone for three years now. All I do is listening to music, doing random stuff by myself in my room, exchanging a few words with my mom and only going out when I have a doctor's appointment. At this point I feel like my brain automatically associates going out with seeing doctors because I avoid going out at all costs.
I tried therapy with several therapists, I spent more money than I had only to get nothing. One kept asking me what I want her to do, the other one was only listening, the other made fun of me, another said I look fine... I'd see a psychiatrist but I'm afraid of taking even more meds and I don't know what to tell them so I won't seem fine.
I don't have much energy left. I'll try to cope until next month.
