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derangedlunatech
1,195 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts65 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes27 Current upvotes27 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2019 Member sinceSeptember 10, 2019
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How do I do anything?
Depression Support / by derangedlunatech
Last post
 October 20th, 2019
...See more Hi all, this will be rather long, and I apologize in advance - I don't suffer from long-term depression (at least not yet), but I've been hit by it pretty bad for the past week. Last week my wife (we have been married for 19 years) told me that "we need to take a break." We have had problems for several years now (mostly involving money, and her lying to me about our financial state), which has resulted in some pretty nasty fights. But as we're coming out the other end of it, and we spent time talking about our problems, what we need to do to fix them, and made a committment to working together to fix us - she feels that she has lost herself in the process, and needs to find herself again. I can get that. But instead of working together to do that, she's completely cut me out. She has told me she needs space to figure herself out, and she isn't sure once she does if I/we will be what she wants. We now live as roommates. We can talk about very light topic - "How was your day" type stuff...but that's it. This morning she actually held my hand for like 30 seconds - then sent me a message saying she can't handle physical contact - it makes her feel pushed and angry and cornered. I kind of go back and forth in my emotions. One minute I'm sad, but confident we will fix things. The next I'm wanting to curl up in a corner and cry because I'm sure we won't. Anyway, that is just as a back story. The thing is that I am absolutely miserable. I sit at home, basically alone, thinnking about how miserable I am. How I don't want to just sit at home alone and miserable, but the thought of going out and doing anything - alone - makes me miserable. So I sit at home because it takes less effort. I guess part of the back story to this is that I work like 70+ hours per week at 2 jobs. In my day job I work from home. I'm generally home alone on the weekends (unless I'm working at night) while she is out and about doing her thing. She has people to hang with and talk to, I don't - because all of my friends (even the ones from years before we met) are now "our" friends- and the last thing I want to do is feel like I'm putting anyone in a position of taking sides. All i seem to want to do is sleep. But my sleep is crap, and I can only spend so much time sleeping anyway. I know I should take some time, get out of the house, do something - but what? What can I do that won't just rub it in that I'm alone? I know that I keep foocusing on "alone" in this. That is because over the years I have come to appreciate just how beautiful, fun, enjoyable things can be when you have someone to share them with. Now to me it feels like doing things alone would be like eating bland, unseasoned food. So what do I do? i was hoping there would be some sort of support group or something in my area that maybe I could join - but I can't find anything... I don't know how to operate like this. This isn't me. But this is the me that I am right now. And I hate every single thing about it.
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