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deepbreaths22
28,794 M Aiming High 10
PathStep 61 Compassion hearts2,047 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes92 Current upvotes92 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2021 Member sinceApril 9, 2018
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My REAL life (Trigger Warning)
Journals & Diaries / by deepbreaths22
Last post
 December 7th, 2020
...See more TRIGGER WARNING: childhood sexual assault, cult/religion, abuse, surgery, drugs I am not sure if anybody will read this, as it might be very triggering and long. I have kept a journal for many years, but I think I'm ready to step out in a safe place and put my life out there. :) My mother lived in Hawaii when my father met her during a work trip. He was the charming type and they quickly hit it off and got married. I grew up in Hawaii until I was 4 years old with my mother and father. We lived close to my maternal grandmother. When I was 4 we moved to Texas, and I grew up in a small town that my father was from. He attended this "church" before meeting my mother, and it wasn't long until they were attending together and pledged membership. This was the start of my life in hell. I will spare most of the horrible details, but the leader had a "conversation with Jesus", and was told women and girls are to be the slaves of men. From then on when a girl turned 6 years old sexual assault started by somebody "Jesus" allowed. With me, it was the leader, my father, and my uncle. My 6th birthday is the first time, which was in front of the congregation. I will never forget it. 6 was also when my brother got very ill and almost died, he has a medical condition I believe I will get into the next time. I was raped from 6-11 years old, with 73 recordings found. My uncle got 5 (yes, only 5) years, his camera man neighbor got 4, and my father was not charged. I was never allowed to talk about the church at that time, so the leader never got charged. When I was 11 my name got released to the press, which was illegal and should have never happened. From then on I go by a different first name, because a which search can still end up with a news story. When I was 11, I went to A LOT of counseling. My therapist tried to adopt me, which did not end up happening. I got diagnosed with DID, C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, anorexia. I was taken away from my parents and was sent to live my with aunt in NYC when I was 12. She was so very kind and warm. I felt safe there, but I started acting out for the first time. I started living on the streets and got into a very hard-core drug. I started stealing from my aunt and was living in this one alley and park. A man in his 30's took me in and provided me with drugs all the time. I was sexually assaulted, but I am glad I do not remember most of it due to the drugs. My aunt could not take it anymore and I was sent back to my family when I was 14, which meant I was also sent back to the church. I was so strung out of drugs my life from 14-16 was pretty much a blur. I did stop when I was 16 with help from a friend, and I am so thankful now. I also had reconstructive surgery when I was 14 for my privates due to all the abuse. It did give me a new sense of self and freedom. From 16-20 I was going to guy to guy (avoiding intimacy) to find SOMEBODY that cared, and no, I never found what I was looking for. I got married to a man from the "church" when I was 20, and that was absolutely a horrible decision. I got pregnant and decided to give her up for adoption, due to my fear of him killing her or me. She now has a wonderful life and I get to see her sometimes :). My husband ended up pushing me down the stairs and I had many injuries. My neighbor heard it and called an ambulance. My husband got arrested and I got a restraining order. With the help of my neighbor and his wife, I got back on my feet. Life started to turn around for the better at this point. I was able to get away from the "church" for the most part. I then did the dummmb guy searching thing again, and I finally found the man of my dreams. So caring, sweet, attentive, compassionate, patient. I do have a lot of PTSD, and struggle with intimacy. He was always so loving and never made me feel bad about it. He was the "perfect man". In 2018 I ended up going to psych when visiting Hawaii do to something an alter (little) did, and a parapsychologist took my case. He said he would pay for all my medical bills if he could use me and my DID in a book he wanted to write. I agreed, because I really could not afford all bills that were quickly piling up. I started ECT (electroconvulsant therapy) for my depression and DID, but it did not help. He put me on SO many medications it ended up killing my kidneys, so I had to sue and get money for dialysis and things I will need in the future. In 2016 I became an LVN/LPN nurse and it was so wonderful! I finally felt I was on the right track, and in 2018 I got my RN,BSN. I had to go in front of the board of nursing and prove I was competent and not a danger with my DID. Becoming a nurse was the best thing I ever did! This year (2020) , this wonderful man of mine started lying. Lying about petty things, but started making up more lies to cover the lies. We met online playing a game (games have always been my escape) in 2010, and have been friends since then. We started dating in 2015, and he had been living between here with me and Canada since. Well in late September the lies came to a head when he admitted he was married after my brother found a picture of him at a family gathering with a wedding ring on. I was so shocked, and I still cannot fathom how he got away with lying to both me and his wife. How did he justify coming to the USA all those times? After that he pretty much ghosted, but has tried to blackmail me a few times and has stole some money. I plan on being single for a while now! I now work as a nurse, and love it so very much. There is nothing else I want to do! Also, every other weekend I do wound care at a homeless shelter, and have met some amazing people. I have been clean from drugs for many years, my medications are now therapeutic, I have many roles on 7 cups on my listener account. Cups saved my life a few times, and I love giving back. I have met some amazing people on here! I know that was all so much, and there is much more. I will discuss something new soon. Thank you if anybody decided to read all this. I needed to do this for myself. Hugs!
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