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I dont rlly know how or where to start but at least im not keeping this inside
So yeah basically to give yall a bit of context, i finished high school a couple of months ago it was chill but yeah saying this summer has been awful is an understatement tbh
I've spent the past 2 month since i finished high school very much locked inside my bedroom, i dont know what to do, i got no friends, i got no one to be with, spend the summer with, to have fun with, etc, and its really disappointing, and this loneliness is rlly driving me crazy
I never really liked my class much during high school, but there were a couple of friends i used to be close with, sometimes after school we'd go out and do something, watch a movie and yeah stuff like that, and i really thought they were gonna be those friends that yk, that u make and you gonna be with them after school, still be close with them even if u follow different paths etc, but as soon as school ended, we barely talked, and that *** rlly broke me.
I remember, i was grinding gym like crazy at the beginning of the summer (2 months ago +/-) but a month into it and i started thinking, and overthinking and thinking again of my social life, seeing myself locked inside my bedroom doing nothing, the only thing i was doing was just going to gym alone and nothing more, spending all day everyday alone, absolute silence, not talking to anyone except myself for days, the moment i started noticing that, that i genuinely have no friends in a moment of my life where i hate being at home for too long, i wanna be outside having fun, that *** killed me, i started getting sad, and with that came the loss of motivation, i stopped grinding the gym, i try to but i barely go there now.. not only i feel alone, but i feel useless, like im just here, doing nothing.. im not contributing to anyone's life, nothing.
Something i've always loved doing was playing games, and i thought that was never going to end, but even that.. i havent had any joy playing any kind of game for the past month or two, even some people close to me found that weird when i said that to them.
And as if all that wasnt enough, to follow the studies i want to, i need to start working asap since they're quite expensive, so I've been applying for multiple jobs(something i had already tried to do at the beginning of 2024) but nobody wants me since i never had a job, so yeah i have no experience, basically no one wants me because of that i believe, it's so *** frustrating tbh im gonna explode.
And the fact i cant talk about anything to anyone, im simply cant talk about myself, my personal problems, my issues to anyone, I simply cant, i wouldn't even be able to get the words outta my mouth properly if i even dare to try, i had all this essay stuck inside my chest, that makes me crazy, it's always been like that for years, I'd rather explode or die than having to explain, and try to elaborate on my problems, on my struggles to my close ones on a conversation, i wouldn't do it to save my life.
It's funny, because i was an arts student, altho i hated and hate arts, and the final project was building a self representative sculpture, basically, the sculpture itself had to have elements that relates mostly to our personality and mental aspects, and it was the worst thing ever for me tbh, i had to represent there and talk about stuff that makes me hella uncomfortable, even because the "inner" me and "outter" me are wayyy different if u get what i mean. Im a fun guy to be and hang out with, but inside im a bit of an overthinking storm, so had to talk about a part of me no one had any idea there was, it was one of the most uncomfortable and unenjoyable things I've done in life i could hear my voice shaking, and just wanted to disappear tbh, it's a massive struggle, i think for this specific issue maybe i should find professional help eventually, i mean, whenever i try to start talking about the most minor of my issues on earth, it's like i lose the ability to speak and think straight..
But yeah, not having friends at all, spending all days alone, seeing how i lost all motivation to go to gym, struggling so much to find any job which i desperately need, everything's slowly killing me, i can tell that, im on a massive downhill since the beginning of june..
Sorry for the essay, those were the best words i could find to describe what's wrong, if there are any misspelled words im sorry, i wrote all that slightly mad and cba to double check the text either cuz im quite sleept