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This weekend was rough. Before the end of the week rolled around, I was doing so good about keeping myself productive and trying to stay in a positive headspace about it. However, come Thursday through the weekend I was having a conflict with my best friend and situations like that are always very emotionally intense for me, but this weekend was something else. I didn't have very many details as to why she was upset with me, so all I could do was obsess over it and drive myself insane worrying about when and how this confrontation was going to take place, knowing it would escalate and there's nothing I can do about it. When I had to go into work on Saturday morning, I was still freaking out about it to the point where I'd think about it and immediately start crying to myself while stocking the coke machine before the store opens. Once more people started to come in (I get there an hour before everyone else), I knew this shift was going to be rough, but was still trying to keep myself together. One of my older coworkers came in and asked me if I was tired (because I'm sure I looked awful), and I said "eh, not really tired." To which she says "are you okay?" and I say "no, but it's alright". Then, she decides to get close to my face and say "Oh you're not wearing any makeup today! Let me see what you really look like!", which just made me turn away and say "let's not". Having to interact with so many people when I'm feeling like this just sent me past a tipping point and knew pretty quickly that I was going to have a panic attack. I told her I'd be right back and ran to the back, and proceeded to have one of the worst attacks I've ever had. One of my supervisors found me shaking and hyperventilating in the break room, and so now I'm exposed and I know it's going to become a big deal. At first when she found me I was still at the stage where I couldn't speak, since I couldn't breathe, and it was so embarassing. I also felt guilty because we were getting a large truck of inventory in that day and already didn't have enough people to get everything done, but I knew I couldn't stay there and needed to take care of myself first. After all, it's just a company. After dealing with my manager sitting in front of me staring with a box of tissues telling me how "life is hard" I was able to calm down completely once I sat for about an hour and was able to call my partner and talk to them on the phone. Once I got home I texted my best friend an explaiend how the situation was triggering my anxiety and putting me in a really bad spot, asking if we could just talk things out, rather than me vaguely knowing that she's irritated at me but not knowing why because she doesn't want to talk about it. We had a pretty unproductive conversation via text but I tried my best to respectfully explain my side of things so that she could understand where I was coming from. ANYWAY, that's all the bad. I felt pretty damn awful on Saturday and wasn't even able to call my grandpa to wish him a happy birthday because I was feeling so down mentally and kept taking things out on myself. Now it's Tuesday. The past few days I've really been focusing on doing things that make me happy and using my time in a productive way so that I don't get so down on myself. I talked more with my best friend and she ended up apologizing for how her message affected me and my anxiety, as that was never her intention, which I really appreciated. This post is way too long to say the simplest of things but I guess the message is that even if you feel like absolute garbage, take a few days to reset. I was surprised at how quickly I was able to turn myself around since I usually I will keep feeling bad throughout the whole week after I have an attack like that, especially considering how bad this one was. Taking the time to put yourself in a mindset that will help you overcome these obstacles and set you up for success really does help, even if it seems futile at first. I promise.
