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carefulWatermelon950
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceMay 7, 2021
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My phone addiction and how I hit rock bottom.
Addiction Support / by carefulWatermelon950
Last post
 May 7th, 2021
...See more I am posting this to see if anyone is going through what I am going through. I used to watch porn everyday. Usually 2 to 4 hours. It got ahold of me when I was very young at the age of 13. And it destroyed everything in my life that matters. I started with magazines as a curious boy but it slowly turned into an addiction. The thing about addiction is for some people, like me, you don't really notice how it affects every aspect of your life until it's too late. On top of dealing with childhood trauma I developed a porn and video game addiction. However, porn is what blinded me to what really matters. I am really embarrassed and ashamed about this but I used to watch porn to get hard for sex with my ex-girlfriend. Fast forward to today I am now single because my girlfriend lost all love and affection towards me. I don't know why I couldn't see it coming its like my mind was high jacked. It hurt so much when my ex broke up with me because she said one thing after another of why it is not working out. From not being ambitious, to becoming boring, to not having sex, and finally from drinking too much. Yeah I also drank a lot just to get really numb. Now that I am single and not having my career goals in check I feel personally that I have hit rock bottom. I spent all my time on video games, porn, and my ex that now I don't feel close to anyone and can't really talk to any friends about this. I have been looking at myself in the mirror and self-diagnosing why I ended up this way. I realized the lack of affection growing up from my parents really stunted me and I filled it with porn and dependency on a girlfriend. I feel horrible that I essentially used her for emotional support and did not put her as my number one in life. She was the only one I opened up to and because of porn I lost her. I lost my gf, dropped out of grad school, and now trying to find something to set my goals on. I have been attempting to rewire my brain to stop depending on porn to become aroused. I don't watch any videos anymore which is very hard because I really went deep into it (like bdsm, cartoon, rough sex, etc.) The way I am doing it is slowly cutting it away. I will admit I do look on Instagram at models and their bodies. But I know if I cut cold turkey I will relapse. I am hoping I can slowly get rid of it and when I do I can finally take control of my life and share myself with a companion not for the sake of not feeling alone but to share a healthy connection between eachther. Sorry for the super long post but it was hard to gather everything that had happened and try to summarize it.
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