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blueskydreaming
55 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMay 27, 2015
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Lost at 28
Depression Support / by blueskydreaming
Last post
 May 27th, 2015
...See more Hello, I'm Blue. I've been searching, and searching, and searching the internet for days now and I've ended up here. I'm lost and I don't know where I'm going in life or how to fix the life I've found myself in. I have been working 60-70 hours every week for the last 3 years or so (I know I'm not the only one) and it's finally taken its toll. I am 28 years old, overweight and hating myself, but with no idea as to how to turn things around. I am so tired all the time and yet I can't think of a way to work any less than I do. Two years ago, I was testing with city police and actually made it pretty far. I got all the way up to the final test - the psychological evaluation - and was told that I have repressed childhood trauma and am socially avoidant. The psychologist recommended that I see a therapist and get help, then return to test again and I did so because I really wanted the job. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, talked through a lot of childhood issues and given medication. This helped for some time. I was feeling better and I was trying to improve my life, but was gaining weight no matter what I did. I suspected it was my birth control (taken for acne), and I have since discontinued use, but I'm beginning to feel like I don't care about anything at all. I don't care about the job in law enforcement that I'd been working for, nor do I care about spending time with friends, looking for other employment, eating well. I just don't care. I feel disinterested and detached in the best of times and have no hope for anything to change. Nothing is fun. I feel like everyone around me just thinks I'm complaining all the time, and I probably am. Not that it would help make things better. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to end my life. I just want it to be different. I don't know how to start over. My 29th birthday is coming soon, and I feel like my life has just been a huge waste. I want to forget all that's happened and start over and have another chance, but I don't know how I can do that and still support myself.
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