bean151 Member Profile

...See more So I have found myself here after talking 1-2-1 with one of the listeners which was really helpful. Basically, it happenend many years ago. I met a guy online, not a dating site or anything like that, we were fundraising for a charity and people would chat online about fundraising methods and occasionally meet up in person. A group of us met had a good time, and went our separate ways. We had all swapped phone numbers to arrange the meet up (stumpid mistake #1). A few days later one of the guys gave me a call and said he was coming to my town for a conference and would I like to meet up for dinner so he wouldn't be all lonely and bored while he was here. I said yeah why not. At no point was this a date.....we went for dinner and had a good time, he spoke about his wife and family, we spoke about the charity....it was a nice meal. After the meal he said he couldn't remember his way back to his hotel, so I agreed to walk back with him, just a few hundred metres so he could find it (stupid mistake #2). When we got there he asked if I would come into his room, he said he had a gift for me to say thank you for meeting him, and he said he wanted to call be a taxi so I wasn't walking through town on my own....he wanted to know I was safe.... Anyway, (stupid mistake #3) i went to his room. I didn't feel in anyway threatened, the thought that he might try anything hadn't even crossed my mind. We got to his room and he gave me a bunch of flowers, I thought it was a bit weird I suppose as why would he not have brought the flowers to dinner? But I thanked him and gave him the local taxi number to ring. But then he kissed me, I pushed him away and laughed it off, I still didn't actually feel threatened, just thought he had got the wrong end of the stick. He said he wouldn't do anything i didn't want him too, so i thought good, thats OK then...still not feeling threatened. Then he pushed me down on the bed and lay on top of me, I said no, I told him I didn't want to do anything..but he didn't stop. He told me how beautiful I was, and how lucky he was to have me. he kept saying he wasn't going to do anything i didn't want. I kept asking him to stop and I tried to push him off but he was too heavy...but even then I didn't actually realise what was happening.....it was only when he started undressing me, and undoing his trousers that I actually realised what he was going to do...I completely froze I couldn't speak so I didn't say no anymore, and I didn't fight him off. All the way through he was saying he wasn't doing anything I didn't want and telling me how lucky he was. Afterwards he just got up, pulled up his trousers and said, OK I'll ring you that taxi now, and I left. I never reported it at the time as I knew no-one would beleive me, I had gone out to dinner with him, and I had gone up to his room. I said no at first but then stopped saying no and I didn't fight. I thought he might beleive it was consensual too as I stopped trying to stop him.....and because of what he kept saying.... I have buried this for years and not told anyone, but it keeps bugging me......maybe it was rape, maybe he did know....is it rape if he didn't know I didn't want it....... I keep alternating between thinking it was all in my head and I maybe didn't tell him no enough and he thought I had changed my mind when I stopped fighting so it was fine......but then I think, he left flowers for me in his room, before he set off to meet me for dinner, he had planned that I was going to go back there, no maybe not only was it rape it was pre-meditated..... I just don't know

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