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Last summer, I incidentally ran into a guy that I had a brief thing with during uni. 5 years ago. We didn’t end on bad terms back then, although there was a lack of closure - (because he had just suddenly told me that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship”, even though I never mentioned anything about wanting relationship). I had even seen him texting other girls while talking with me, and he had said that he doesn’t date, so it wasn’t total surprise but still unsettling. But, when I had reached out to him later that year and told him how he had hurt me (he had put his hands in my pants without asking me) he apologized alot and it seemed genuine. I felt a sense of closure from that, and I had just concluded that he was maybe young immature womanizer but not a bad guy.
So, fast forward now, he had approached me and was super apologetic. Somehow we had started flirting and things took off really fast again. This time I felt like he was love-bombing me very heavily with a lot of over the top compliments, like saying “In these last 5 years, I have not met a better girl than you. You’re the most interesting girl I’ve met.” etc etc.
And this time he was much more considerate of sexual boundaries and I saw this effort on his part to be a better guy towards me this time.
However, right after our date that day (where we did do something sexual things), when we got really close and intimate, he suddenly changed. I noticed him become much more colder and seeming more short with me. I couldn’t tell if it was maybe because of religious differences, he seemed to especially change after that conversation. At the end of the date, he just said that he’s going to be really busy so he’ll see me in a few weeks and told me to text him. I texted him the next day, but the responses were really short and he mentioned nothing about the future plans. It just seemed like a major shift and change, in comparison to his original love-bombing and attentiveness.
I felt really confused and angry. Why did he come back just to disappoint and hurt me a second time in similar manner as before?? Why make me believe that there was something there and then retreat? So a few days in, I texted him that I wanted to end things and maybe just let’s be friends. He told me that he really enjoyed spending time with me and asked if there was something he did or did not do, and said that he would be okay to be friends if I sincerely mean that.
I just replied that I wasn’t sure if he liked me. He cryptically replied “It’s not about whether I like you or not, I’m just trying to get closer to God and avoid sexual intimacy. Sorry that I let things go so far.” This very confused me and even hurt me and startled me because it was almost as if he was assuming that I want sexual intimacy, even though I never said that nor initiated anything? And it was confusing coming from him because - why did he initiate so many sexual things so fast then?
But anyways, I was sincerely trusting him and I thought he was maybe opening up to me about how he’s trying to avoid sexual intimacy, I thought it was maybe a vulnerable exchange, so I also responded with a long vulnerable text where I told him more about how I had been sexually assaulted multiple times in the past, so that I’ve also been a bit overwhelmed and hurt on the topic of sexual intimacy, and that I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD after my experiences.
To this he just responded with “it’s very late at night and I have work tomorrow, I’ll respond to you tomorrow morning.”
So I waited and waited tomorrow morning, no response from him, and I was getting more anxious by the minute, and feeling disappointed, played, and like the guy just doesn’t care about me. I felt silly for even trusting him when he had already displayed player-like and shady behavior in the past and now. I decided I didn’t want to spend the whole day in anxiety and I was done with him, so I texted him “you know what? Let’s just end things now, no friendship either!”
And he responded “what! I have studies and work all day from 9 to 5!”
I felt offended by that because it’s like he’s implying that I’m not as busy as him, even though I’ve also had studies and work and been a hard working person.
So it devolved into an argument where he just kept making excuses and said an empty blanket “I’m sorry”, where he doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for.
I told him that he’s not a real man and that I’m tired of his bullsht.
We got on the phone and he just kept making excuses like that he’s in an argument with his brother, his mom is sick again, he has mood swings and ADD, blah blah.
I was not buying any of it and I said “No it’s probably that you’re a promiscuous person and that doing sexual things is meaningless to you and you change partners all the time!”
He got super offended and said “and see, this is why I am trying to avoid sexual intimacy. And my promiscuity has been due to childhood trauma and trying to get love from people, that I wasn’t getting at home.”
This guy also has a history of former marijuana addiction and cheating on his exams all throughout high school.
Meanwhile, I am the exact opposite and have lived like an over-achiever nun basically, haha.
So I told him that maybe I have a more traditional view because I come from a more traditional cultural background, and I said that I hate this current day hookup culture and people just treating each other disrespectfully and using each other and discarding each other with no care or respect.
He just said “yeah, you are more traditional” with a bit of contemptuous tone.
Then we tried to talk another time on the phone, that time went even worst. I told him that I didn’t like how he seemed colder in the aftermath and how there wasn’t much follow-up in the texts. He just denied it and trivialized it. Told me that I should have been more patient. I told him that I was afraid that I was just going to get used and discarded by him, especially since I already felt like he had sexually used me during university. He denied all that too, just said “No I didn’t use you! We didn’t have the full sex!” and also said “No, I wasn’t going to use you physically now.”
After the unsuccessful phone conversations, I felt really bad for how I had been hostile and insulted him, so I apologized for that, I apologized that I felt like I had shamed his sexuality and made some assumptions about it too. I said “it’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of my past traumas.” Because I do indeed have a lot of relationship trauma from a past abusive relationship where I was sexually abused and used.
So then he called me and said that we’re just both two broken people and he said how he has a fear of intimacy, how he would treat any woman that way. But he repeated how he did not deserve my insults, and he said that he just wants peace in his life. And how he doesn’t stay friends with people he had relations with. And so, the conversation just ended like that.
I tried later to reach out with more questions, but no answers and no closure. And I feel like he wasn’t acknowledging his role in the situation fully.
Then I reached out to him a few months later and he answered and we had a brief confusing conversation. When I asked him if it there was something about me that he didn’t like which had caused him to lose interest or withdraw. He said “I should be the one asking that question, why is it always the better person that is doubting themselves?? No, it was nothing to do with you or who you are, I just have my own issues. You are an amazing girl with a great heart, I just have so many issues, I have more issues than you, I’m not even sure if I’m a good guy.” And then he just told me repeatedly that I should move on, and again repeated that he did not deserve the insults I had said back then, and told me not to message or call him anymore because it affects him negatively and we should just move on. And he said it seems like there was a lack of closure, and that maybe he should think more about how he affects people. It was strange, I told him that part of the reason for my so strong reaction was because I feared that he may be a narcissistic player, and he just responded coldly “pft, being a player is so common and Normal these days, and girls can be players too.” And changed the topic quickly.
So, I felt a bit better after that conversation. But still struggling with ruminations, questions, and lack of closure. In March, I started to feel very angry about the situation again, so I sent him a final message explaining how he hurt me, how I felt used for my body again, how I want nothing to do with him and never to see him again, and I blocked him.
I have figured out that he most likely has the Dismissive Avoidant attachment style (possibly with narcissistic traits too), and I believe I definitely have the Fearful Avoidant attachment style due to also my strong reactions and how I tried to end the connection fast too.
I guess I’m still struggling to figure out - where was I in the wrong and what was my role versus where was he in the wrong and what was his role? I’ve been struggling to figure out was there anything that I could have done or said differently to prevent the blow-up and negative outcome at the end? The situation created a lot of self-doubt, confusion, and my stomach drops whenever I think of it.