My name is Zoe. I'm 19, female. I'm introverted but I tend to type a lot. I also read a lot though, so don't be afraid to type multiple paragraphs when chatting with me, I do the same. And sorry for typing so much.

I love drawing and writing, mostly fanfiction. I also play games--Red Dead Redemption 2 mostly, some Subnautica, I used to play ARK: Survival Evolved back when it was good. Also the original Spyro trilogy that became Spyro: Reignited, as well as The Legend Of Spyro and Ratchet & Clank, though I don't really play the latter two anymore because of lack of access. I still write about them, though.
Favorite game as of writing this is Red Dead Redemption 2. Favorite movie is Puss In Boots: The Last Wish and before that, Felidae. (Don't look up the latter if easily triggered, it's mature and quite disturbing.)

I have no family aside from my parents and very few friends who I'm not super close with. My mom is my best friend and I know I'm not going to have her forever, so I'd love to make some new friends with similar interests. It's been my dream to have even just one friend I'm super close with. The kind of friendship where you know each other really well and are always there for one another. I've never had that before, aside from with my mother.

I'm dealing with trauma from childhood SA that occurred over the span from when I was around 7 to about 12. I've been thankful all these years thinking it didn't really affect me, but I've realized more recently that it's destroyed my ability to trust a potential partner. A partner isn't exactly something I've ever sought out, but I have intense crushes on a few fictional characters. I like to write stories about stuff like that and it makes me feel happy and comforted, but I've found myself getting really depressed when I feel like I can never have that in real life. The idea of trying a relationship instantly makes me feel really aggravated and sad. I reflexively feel like I'd just be manipulated/used and never loved for myself, and that's when I realized there's probably something wrong. I'm stuck between hoping to have this sort of connection someday, and thoroughly despising the idea. Wanting to get over this hatred for it, but also feeling like it's what's protecting me and it's just this endless loop of feeling lonely but hating other people and myself.

I also feel like I can never trust someone enough to get "intimate" despite still having those feelings when I'm really in-love. (With fictional characters...Haven't felt anything towards a real man before. It's not an "I wish they were real" thing, more just me writing about these characters with my personas and wishing I had someone to snuggle like they do each other. These crushes being purely fictional is oddly comforting to me, I wouldn't have it any other way and love them all the same, even if people think that's strange or pathetic.)

I'm here because I'm hoping to maybe cure this at least a little someday. If not to have a partner, then just so I can feel less empty and broken about it all.
If you have this type of trauma too, I want you to know that people love you and there are good people in the world who can be trusted. If you can believe this, then maybe someday I can learn to as well.❤️