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YellowOwl
114 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceJanuary 20, 2015
Recent forum posts
What if I don't wish to talk?
Depression Support / by YellowOwl
Last post
 February 6th, 2015
...See more Sounds like a ironic thing to say especially here. Maybe I actually do but honestly I don't feel like anything anyone can say will make me feel any better plus I am afraid on opening up to anyone because they often give up on me when they realize I wont get out of this quicksand call depression I live in. They don't realize them leaving my life fuels the self hatred I have for myself which in turn makes more people repelled by me.  I feel like a cancer in this world, a monster yet I don't feel I have done anything in my life truly wrong except for looking for love because I have never gotten it from anyone in my life and it is killing me inside. Read the loneliness guide here and only found lesson 1 to be somewhat helpful, maybe about has helpful as throw a cup of water into a bonfire. All the people who are or were in my life say love wont solve the problem, they don't seem to realize that I know that already. Its only that I know it will help, and at this point the only health option I haven't taken. I have been alone all of my life; little to no friends, never had a girlfriend  at the age of 30 etc etc. They all say love is not the answer yet guess who they come to when they are alone and out of a relationship? Fell like i am a master of loneliness and my only role in life is help others with it but never my own. Be the support they need till they find someone in their life. Me on the other hand i feel like I am not allowed. Sorry Corey you are not allowed to be in love or have love returned back to you, your job is to handle loneliness, you do it so well. Don't wish to talk to anyone because I wont listen, I just want an answer, results, an end to this pain. Someone who could take the love I give them and share me theirs without running like I am a monster/cancer/burden. At this point actions speak louder than words and I much prefer someone I loved and cared about would just not run from me, hug me and help me fight this battle. However at this point I have none of that. All I can do is say this among strangers whom don't know me and I don't know them. I know you all feel similar to me and are in pain in ways I can't comprehend and make me feel like whimp for hating myself for being so lonely but it is what it is. Now I got to try and get some sleep, the self hatred in my head wont go away anyway any time soon and i don't expect answers/help here. 
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