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TruthSpilling22
2,500 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 27 Compassion hearts83 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes62 Current upvotes62 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2018 Member sinceJuly 2, 2014
Recent forum posts
Proud of myself because...
Motivation & Accountability / by TruthSpilling22
Last post
 December 1st, 2015
...See more I got out of bed and did my makeup and made it to work, and I haven't cried today. And I ate breakfast.
New challenges, but stuck in a loop at the same time.
General Support / by TruthSpilling22
Last post
 February 5th, 2015
...See more I don't even know where to start. For one thing, I'm just off today. I have been all week. I had an incredibly tough session with my psychiatrist, and expressed to her how much I thought I should have gotten over my anxiety from an accident I was in a couple years ago. It's kind of spiraled into social anxiety to the point where I struggle to make and keep friends and keep a job.  I feel like giving up, because it's exhausting.  I have a job interview today, but I'm nervous about that, too.  I feel like my life is in a loop. I was looking for a job this time last year, too, and I didn't stay in my previous job for even an entire year. I don't want to be that person, but I don't know what else to do. I feel really lonely, and I want someone to be there for me, but I feel like I'm the one holding everyone else up. One friend broke up with her boyfriend, and so I held her and made her cupcakes and talked to her.  I'm not holding it against people for going through a hard time. It's not their fault. I just wish someone was there for me. And not someone who's long distance, I want someone nearby. I just don't have that right now.  I'm kind of sick right now so I don't have much energy, but I can feel the anxiety wriggling around trying to break loose, and I'm almost done fighting the urge to give up. It's some really powerful stuff. I am going to go read my Bible and pray right now, because I know that God is holding me and loves me no matter what, and I should talk to Him. I'd also like some human contact too, you know?  Love you all.  River
Accepting a Lack of Complete Recovery
Eating Disorder Support / by TruthSpilling22
Last post
 January 15th, 2015
...See more As someone struggling with an eating disorder, my ultimate goal has always been complete recovery. I've looked towards it in hope on good days, and punished myself with the idea of it on bad days. It's something that has consumed me. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. This sounds really dumb to even me when I think about all the lessons I've learned along the way, and the weight I've lost, and the progress I've made in dietary habits. Even as I typed that, I wondered.  And then I remembered this week. Horrible week....my eating went down the drain, my self esteem plummeted, and I lost focus. Again. It's as if I had never made any progress at all. Then I remembered something a favorite youtube blogger of mine said. Her name is Beckie0, and I highly recommend her channel. Warning: some of her content is potentially triggering, but not intentionally. For me, it's been more helpful than harmful.  She struggles with a condition called trichotillomania. It's a complicated condition that causes her to pull out her hair. She's been completely bald at times.  One of the things she said in a video stopped me in my tracks. She's doing really well right now, and her hair is growing well, and her depression is better than it's been in a long time.  She said she's going through a good phase. The bad phases and times will come again, and she's enjoying the good time all the more because she knows that the bad will come again. She's not striving towards ultimate healing and recovery, because she knows that she'll have trich for the rest of her life.  She's accepted it. I compared what she said in the light of my own life. I trick myself. I convince myself that if I even have a good day, a good week, a good month, that I am recovering. That I will never struggle with my eating disorder or anxiety again. I get so excited at the idea of being totally fine. So when the bad days come back, I plummet deeper into despair and depression, and I feel more and more like a failure. I wonder what I'm doing wrong, and why this isn't working. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll be able to afford a magical treatment program that the advances of science have designed that will cure me.  I doubt it. I am admitting that I might never recover. That I might always struggle with this.  It's almost freeing to have that thought...to take the days as they come, good and bad, and acknowledge what I deal with for what it is...a mental condition that won't be fixed with the flip of a switch.  Thoughts? 
I'm proud of myself because...
Motivation & Accountability / by TruthSpilling22
Last post
 November 25th, 2014
...See more I didn't do anything grand or glorious. Nothing that I thought was worthy of being proud of myself. But then I looked back on my week. This was one of the toughest weeks of my life. I had huge bouts of depression, coupled with anxiety. My eating disorder and self harm were out of control...I lived off of saltine crackers and ginger ale, and I have an inch-wide bald spot on the right side of my head from pulling out my own hair. But I made it. I survived. Despite the horrific gutter that my head was this week, I went to work, and worked hard. I participated in social activities. I got out of bed every morning to do so.  So maybe that's an accomplishment to be proud of.    It also helped me realize that it's time to move on from my current career. I'm turning in my notice today so that I can pursue my true passion, emotional therapy through piano education, and general piano education. 
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