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We here at 7 cups don't offer help for people who are having thoughts regarding suicide. However most of us will eventually encounter someone who confides in us that they're upset and having those kind of ideas, whether it's a family member, online friend or real-life acquaintance. Obviously, the safest and best course of action is to advise that they get help, but that's not likely the end of the conversation and you'll still be searching for something helpful to say. There are many possible responses that can help or harm someone who's in this position: here are some of them. Each one is rated "Positive," "Negative" or "Use Caution" depending on its possible effects.
*Just get over it. NEGATIVE
Obviously, if they could choose to get over it they would have.
*Think how your family and friends would feel. USE CAUTION
As far as groups of people go, suicidal people are more likely than the general population to be suffering from abuse and/or social isolation. This means that before mentioning friends and family, you need to confirm that they have loving friends or family and that those people aren't contributing reasons for these thoughts. Furthermore, its very easy for this statement to pile even more guilt on a person who is likely already suffering quite a lot of those, so be cautious and use this sparingly if at all.
*I care what youre feeling. POSITIVE
*I promise I wont tell. NEGATIVE
You dont know the whole situation and you dont know whether telling is going to be necessary. Dont hurt them by promising something you may not be able to deliver.
*Lets talk about this more. POSITIVE
The person really needs to know that they can let these feelings out through speech rather than action.
*Of course you matter, everyone matters. USE CAUTION
This statement is deceptively simple but what it often does is remove the focus from the person who is suffering and cause them to start comparing themselves to others. The focus should be on the individuals personal feelings of value: this should not be a debate about the value of humanity as a whole.
*I know exactly how you feel. NEGATIVE
No one ever know exactly how another human being feels, even if theyve both had the exact same experience. People respond uniquely to each situation. Keep the conversation focused on them and assume you do not have all the information by avoiding this statement.
*Im calling your parents/the police on you. USE CAUTION
Understand that there is a difference between suicidal thoughts and a suicidal plan. People who are upset may talk about suicide as a possibility without any intention to act on it. Often parents call or others call mental health professionals or police, who have the person involuntarily committed to a mental facility, in which they may often be held without any actual help or therapy. It is legally and factually a form of incarceration. Its much more effective if a person is able to seek treatment at a place and time they feel is appropriate for them and from a source of their choosing. Calling the authorities is important... for emergencies.
*What about Safe Place? POSITIVE
For teens who dont feel comfortable or safe at home, there is a program called Safe Place that allows them to talk to a caring adult and possibly be housed somewhere other than their house for a few days, even if they're not being abused. Sometimes people need a break from their families and this program has locations (in places many places such as Wal-Marts) in most towns in the US. http://nationalsafeplace.org/
*If you kill yourself, so will I. NEGATIVE
This is easily one of the worst things you can do to a suicidal person. Not only are you heaping on guilt and stress when the person is already overwhelmed, youre making your problems about you. Now is not the time to be selfish.
*"You should see a therapist." USE CAUSTION
The person already knows therapy exists and has obviously considered the thought. It's much better to phrase this as a question of whether they've considered it much lately, and address their reasons why or why not. You can't force someone into therapy, you can only address reasons why you think it might help them feel better.
*Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. USE CAUTION
Understand that a person considering suicide may be facing a problem that is permanent and they dont need to be reminded of that fact right now. (i.e. they may have a disability, be dealing with a death or other permanent issues). Furthermore, they certainly dont feel like its temporary, regardless, or they wouldnt be talking about suicide. Try another, more effective approach for better results.
*Suicide is selfish. NEGATIVE
A person who is coming to you for help during a crisis already probably feels guilty and they arent talking about suicide because they dont care about anyone, theyre talking about it because they feel they have no other choice. Highlight their choice, don't judge them as a person.
*I believe in you. POSITIVE
Everyone whos struggling wants to know that someone thinks they can make it through.
*Its all part of being a teenager. NEGATIVE
Suggesting that its simply hormones or something light and simple that is causing such serious feelings is only going to further upset someone and may give them a desire to prove youre wrong by taking a more drastic action.
*I care about you but Im not able to handle this. USE CAUTION
You have to look out for your own well-being before you can look out for anyone elses. This is always an option, never forget that. Obviously it's not something you would say as a first response when youre feeling fine, but if handling the situation is too much for you, it's okay to let them know.
*If you commit suicide youll go to hell! NEGATIVE
If the person is religious, they already know what they believe about hell and hearing it during a crisis will only make them feel worse about themselves for considering about it. If they dont believe in hell, youre only heaping judgment on them without offering anything positive.
*Youre better/smarter/stronger than this. NEGATIVE
Surprised? Dont be. This statement basically translates to These thoughts are bad/dumb/weak and you're having them. Whatever you believe about the thoughts, dont make it about passively judging the individual as a person. They are thinking about suicide and dont need to be told that it reflects on them as a human being. If you want to judge the act of suicide, don't tell the person how it effects your view of them as a person, just judge the act.
*It gets better. USE CAUTION
It may or may not get better and the person realizes that. Unless you have very specific and valid reasons you can tell someone to prove that it will (likely) get better, dont use this statement in an empty way or it may backfire.
*If youre a victim of abuse or rape, its not your fault. POSITIVE
Self-blame can be a big factor in suicidal ideation and being told outright that they didnt deserve any abuse that they may describe to you can really help.
*Its all in your head. NEGATIVE
While technically every human experience is processed through the brain, depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts are very real problems and this statement is incredibly belittling to the severity of them.
*Im really glad youre talking to me about this. POSITIVE
Its always helpful to remind someone that theyre not a burden and youre a safe person to talk to.
*If you do it, they win. USE CAUTION
This can seem like it might be helpful on the surface but if you examine it, youre telling them that they have something to prove, that it's about winning rather than succeeding for the sake of being happy. The person already feels that those who put them down or harmed them have won. Thats why so many people who get to the point of talking about suicide call themselves a loser. Reminding them of all the ways that theyre a winner is a much better way to help them than trying to make them fear losing even more than they have.
*Even one moment of joy you have ahead of you is one more moment than youd never have if you were to kill yourself. POSITIVE
People thinking about suicide often suffer from tunnel vision on the negative things in their lives. Ask them to imagine one moment they might have that theyll enjoy in the future. If they cant think of any, suggest a few simple ones (e.g. eating a piece of chocolate, watching a sunset, playing an instrument.) By reminding them of what they have to lose in a non-threatening way, youre actually empowering them to hold on and keep trying.
*I believe you have the capability to kill yourself but I dont think you should. USE CAUTION
Saying anything about whether they physically could kill themselves may seem counterproductive, but if a person is trying to convince you how easy it would be or how ready they are, it may be because they feel powerless. Reminding them that its their choice to make can actually help them focus on your reasons why they should make the right choice, rather than them continuing to feel that they need to prove to you how serious they are.
*Lets find some alternatives for you. POSITIVE
There are many lists online of alternative activities like meditation and exercise, that can help calm and distract a person. Now is a great time to list some other things they can do and focus on instead.
*Other people have it worse. NEGATIVE
Not only does this remove focus from the person in question, it makes them feel that their pain is not valid, while also not offering anything to console them or make them feel better.
*These feelings are normal. USE CAUTION
Your goal here is to make the person feel normal without making them feel insignificant. Remind them that most people struggle with the thought of suicide at some point and there's nothing freakish or awful about it, but also that you take it very seriously and want to help them through it.
*You dont have to make any decisions right now. POSITIVE
A person talking about suicide is feeling a lot of pressure. That pressure can build up into anxiety and make them feel as though they have to act on their thoughts as quickly as possible. Remind them that they have all the time in the world and theres no need to rush. This will likely also help them more calm and receptive.
What other positive or negative statements can be made to a friend in crisis? Did you agree with the items on this list?
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