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Hello.
I am here because I have nowhere else to turn to.
There are insane things still happening in my internal circles, they cannot be bothered with my issues. If I'm being honest, I don't know if I am capable of asking them for help. I am relied upon deeply by my circle of friends/family; they count on me to be strong and to handle things when they are difficult, which is often. I don't know if I can bring myself to burden them, and the fear of them not seeing me in a light of utmost fortitude controls me.
I don't know what to do. I have spent eons now searching for a way to handle these things, but until now I've felt that it was a crippling sign of weakness in myself to even admit that I am ever not okay. I have a philosophy that it takes an obscene amount for someone to be, Truly, Not Okay; I believe this is True. This line of thinking begets an infinite form of gratitude and awareness in ones own strength in their circumstances. I cannot say if it was the events or the people in my life that have fortified such a staunch belief in such a concept; be it the pain, or the frustration at the lack of gratitude in the world around me. It is a simple thing to do, to admit our strength, and strive for ourselves to head toward a better way of being. I believe, along the way, I have only continued to raise my own bar for this boundary, though. At first, it was a line for myself, that unless I was currently in the most severe of pain, I would not crumble, I would not back down, I would not blink-- I would only rise above, and I would triumph over what was standing in my way.
Now, however, this philosophy has grown-- Metastasized, really...
I have a problem with torture.
That, meaning, I cannot seem to get away from it. This is my burden. I do Not desire such things, though I often fear that it Must be my fault, do to simplistic universal physics principles, such as The Law of Attraction, and the patterns of a spiral-- is it Not my fault, if I must match something wholely at a time in order to find myself with it? This may be destructive thinking, to apply this law in such a way, but if it is Not, well now, what then?
I want to heal, and move away from these kind of things. I can't seem to find my way down that path though.
For many, many years, as I said, it was just during and immediately after these kind of sessions, that I would allow myself to admit I was not okay.
Now, if I am even mid-experience in a base for a Good horror movie, I cannot seem to let myself rest in it. I Must be okay. I have to be. Even now...
What do I do, if that bar continues, ever on, to raise? What is to be done, when there is nothing left of me but the hollow shell of a man who Once was?
I cannot stop the nightmares now.
Every day it is a new set of challenges and ups and downs, riddling me with a new plague of Lost and Leaning Hard back into the abyss...
I asked my wife the other day: What am I to do but sit back and accept? What am I to do But be Okay? If I am not okay Now, then I will not okay Next time, if [when] it happens again. I have to get better and better at this, because if I don't, I will slowly chip away. If I feel fine, I feel no pain, I feel nothing at all except for Love in my free time, then I will not fall apart again- I will Win.
She had asked me why I refuse to open up at times, about certain things; Why I never admit a time when I am "not okay"; Why I always just say that I am fine or well. She came to the conclusion on her own, that to Me, I genuinely don't consider myself to Be "not okay". In My standards, I Do Feel Fine.
I dont want to be right about that feeling of impending doom, but I already was; I already have been, and I cannot know when this series of unfortunate events will begin to cease.
I don't know where to turn, and I dont intend to hide. I want to make it through this and out of this in one piece. I want to live a happy, fulfilling, kind life with my family.
Is there any advice from anyone out there, for a drowning man, who in this moment, might just be ready to accept that he is, in fact, "Not okay"?
Thank You for your time.
Be well. I hope the best for you, whoever took the time to read this.
_S_