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This is totally long, I just wanted to get it all out. Sorry!
I love Christmas. Like love, love, love it! But this time of year is so hard. My family starts making all sorts of demands on my time and energy and my birthday is coming. My least favorite day of the year. My anxiety is so much worse from Thanksgiving to Christmas that I can barely breathe most of the time. Maybe that's why I hold so hard to Christmas. I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I don't even remember most of my birthdays, except for my 30th. I remember that one because it was almost the last. It was really due to my family, although my mental health was already so bad. How could they just forget me? How could every single person in my life just forget me? I never mattered to anyone. It was only one day, but it was important to me. I knew it would be dangerous for me to be alone, I begged them to take the night and celebrate with me. Every single person I knew had a reason why they could be bothered, except my family. They had no reasons, they just ghosted me. Not a single person called me, texted, not even a *** post. I hurt so much, I just gave up. I called one friend and told her I was giving up, and she took me seriously. She came for that, but she couldn't come before that. After I got out of the hospital I told everyone what happened. They were so shocked. They kept asking if I would do it again, and I said No. *** them. They didn't care, they would have let me be alone. I never want to celebrate with them, they make me miserable, but they insist every year. They think it absolves them. Nothing will ever make it better. I will never believe that they actually care about me.
But I was ok. I gave up religion, family, and finally friends, although that took longer. I found the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, and worked to get it: a family of my own. Finally when I was 35 I had my son. For 11 years I was so happy, peaceful. As long as he was ok, I was ok. I live for him, he is all that matters. Until October 1, 2024. The school had a crisis, I couldn't get there, I didn't know what was happening or if he was ok. Jenifer tried to keep me updated, she was there, she got him right away and got him right to me. She told me I never had to worry about him if she's there. He was fine, he was never in danger. But now I feel broken. I can't stop the anxiety attacks and the depression is getting stronger again. Jen helped me for the first week, keeping me busy and letting me talk, cry, hyperventilate. I told her everything, but I feel guilty about dumping it all on her. My family wasn't there. They asked if he was ok once over text, and once they knew he was they disappeared again. Not a surprise. It was even a relief to not have to deal with them. Except that I need help. I really do. I have no money and no insurance. I can't get meds or therapy. I have nobody to talk to but Jen, and I'm terrified of driving her away if I keep trauma-dumping on her. And I just ignored my family, because obviously they don't care. I stopped answering texts from them, and didn't call them. And it was actually better because I didn't have to factor them into my anxiety anymore. But now Thanksgiving is coming, and they want to talk and make holiday plans. I tried not to engage, but my sister asked me if I was coming for Thanksgiving so my niece could have her birthday party, and I said Yes. Just Yes. And now she's texting me all the time and I am having anxiety attacks and I DON'T want to answer, but I feel guilty. They don't even know I was having such a hard time. Why would they? They didn't ask and I didn't tell them. They may want to help. BUT THEY ARE NEVER HELPFUL! They just put pressure on me, and my mom is manipulative, and I get guilt-tripped into doing things with them that I HATE! I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I don't know who to talk to. I just want to SCREAM!!!!
So now, my birthday is coming. They're going to want to celebrate with me. And Jen is planning on taking me out, because she genuinely cares about me. But the thought of doing ANYTHING gives me anxiety. I don't want to cancel on her, she wants me to feel special, but I'm freaking out. I don't want her to feel bad. I just can't do this time of year. I just can't handle the pressure and stress. I was doing so well! It's not fair!
