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I admitted to myself and my partner, as well as our couples therapist and my individual therapist, that I had developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I started drinking more in late-summer of last year, as a means of self-medicating and a way to ignore my stress and anxiety and exhaustion. Instead of focusing on trying to address and remedy those things in a healthy and productive way, I drank to numb my brain and turn my mind off, after a long stressful day of work and after dealing with family responsibilities.
I felt like I never had much time for myself and relied on alcohol as an āescapeā. I started drinking more and more, to the point of falling asleep and not remembering conversations Iād had the evening before. I started hiding alcohol, sneaking drinks when I was alone in the kitchen, or out of the house. I also started to lose control of my emotions, leading to lots of aggressive and angry fights, shouting matches, and harsh and unkind words being tossed at my partner for no reason.
Obviously, this hurt them and put a huge strain on our relationship. The lying about the alcohol use and hiding the extent of it was clearly a huge issue, and I fully acknowledged that and made myself accountable.
I was told that I have an addiction and that I need to seek rehab or lose my relationship and family. Howeverā¦based on conversations with my therapist and knowing myself, I donāt think I fully have an āaddictionā, nor do I feel that I am an alcoholic. At the end of the day, what I did was wrong and unhealthy, and hurt those close to meā¦but as I look back and reflect on it, I see a lot of my alcohol abuse as more of a āhabitā than an addiction. I started drinking more and more, and seemingly felt "better"...and soon it was just sort of something I "did". I would pour a drink (or three) at night to wind down; but I would also take a bottle or can with me and sip on it while out in the garage, etc. I am fully aware of the negative aspects and addictive tendencies that are demonstrated by lying about drinking and hiding it, but, truthfully I feel like I was doing that not because I had to or I was addicted to it and needed to "get a fix"...but rather because I knew it was unhealthy, and I felt ashamed and was scared to admit that I was struggling and needed to re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol.
I am now almost 30 days alcohol free. I stopped cold turkey and had no side effects, no withdrawal symptoms, and functionally, no cravings for alcohol. I donāt miss the feeling of getting drunk. I donāt miss numbing out my feelings. I have, earlier this year, gotten on depression and anxiety medication and it has significantly improved my self esteem and mental health. I donāt feel the compulsion to drink to numb out my feelings and thoughts. I have been able to sit with them and consider my emotions and have been digging into past trauma and reasons why I struggle with sharing my feelings, with being authentic, and with addressing and working on fixing deep-rooted emotional issues.
I found that while I don't miss it, I do miss the ritualistic aspects of drinking. I miss mixing a cocktail on a Friday night; I miss having a couple glasses of wine while watching the Bachelor; I miss having a few beers while watching a sports game; I miss enjoying a drink at a concert; I miss sipping on some whiskey while reading a book in the evening.
I am grateful for the break I took from alcohol, to help me see and feel this new perspective. I am hurt and ashamed and feel horrible for the way I treated my partner and for my failure and denial to admit to myself that there were issues with what I was doing in the moment. But I have taken steps now to try and rectify that and improve my behavior, my mental health, and my relationship (both with my partner and with alcohol). I would love and hope to someday be able to drink healthy again, to have a few and be able to call it a night when I know I need to. I feel confident that I can do that.
But my partner does not: they think that my even calling it "more of a habit" is a denial and "exactly what an addict would say". They think that I can't really develop a healthy relationship with alcohol unless I start committing now to being sober for the rest of my life. I feel constantly on-watch, under scrutiny, and like I can't discuss alcohol or substances or anything like that without being judged. It is really stressful and difficult, and I understand the pain and mistrust I've caused...but I would like to be able to talk with them about the realities of my alcohol abuse and not have my experience shaded by immediately jumping to conclusions of "all or nothing" alcohol addiction. I'd like to be able to get to a point where I can show that I can drink a "healthy" (I know no amount is healthy, per se) and reasonable amount, and not go overboard, nor let it become a habit again. For now, I am feeling confident and hopeful with my decision to be alcohol-free, for however long it lasts. I am proud to have a month under my belt soon, and look forward to seeing continued improvements in my future.
I don't even know what I was hoping for by posting this... Sorry for the long, rambling wall of text. I guess I am just looking for some outside insight, comments, feedback, or advice. I wish you all the best. IWNDWYT!
