Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
StarryNites86
2,007 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 18 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 16, 2019
Recent forum posts
How do I make friends in the small town I live in?
Relationship Stress / by StarryNites86
Last post
 March 9th, 2022
...See more I moved to a VERY SMALL TOWN about 3 years ago and I've been struggling to make friends here. I realize that most of the people have lived here their whole lives and their families are friends and they've all been friends for 20+ years so I know that its hard to accept new people into the group. I mostly feel unwelcome, I try to socialize at events for the kids and it seems like mostly people don't want to socialize with us. Even my kids are excluded from things. My kids rarely get invited to parties, only 1-2 kids ever come to parties we throw. It's to the point where my kids don't want birthday parties or anything like that because they know no one will come. I don't really know what else to do. Its really lonely for me and I can tell that my kids feel it too. Any advice is appreciated.
Time to talk about it- SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS!! Child abuse.
Journals & Diaries / by StarryNites86
Last post
 March 8th, 2022
...See more I've held on to this for a long long time and I'm really tired of it. I KNOW I WAS ABUSED!! There is this underlying secret in my family of sexual abuse. Its like everyone knows about it but no one talks about it. Several members of my family over several generations have been abused and no one wants to talk. Well about a year ago, my mom and my aunt started to open up about their experiences and its triggered some issues with me. My mom and my aunt were molested when they were girls but no one stopped it then. There was a male uncle, a male cousin and probably others that I KNOW abused people in out family. I think I have a dissociative event in my life. I don't really remember my childhood BEFORE 7 years old. It's like flashes of things and people and places then BAM I'm seven years old living in Miami with my mom, dad and brother. And I can remember almost everything since then. I was a hyper sexual child, looking back at it- how did NO ONE DO ANYTHING!! I was masturbating at 7-8 years old. I was caught by my mom more than once. I know someone knew something. I know there was a reason we moved thousands of miles away from out family. Other female cousins of mine are starting to come forward with accounts of their abuse and trauma in the last few months and it's really triggering some stuff with me. I have vehemently denied any abuse in my life to my family. Mostly, because I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to have this on my soul. I don't want to deal with this. But there is something there. And I think the longer I refuse to acknowledge it, the more problems I'm going to have. I have flashes of abuse, especially when I'm trying to fall asleep. I can't remember his name or who he was to me. I can remember his voice, I can remember the room he took me to. The furniture was old and dark brown. The whole room matched. I can remember the quilt on the bed. It was one of those old white embroidered blankets that had the fringe around the edges. It always smelled like dryer sheets. He called it "playing house" and I was the mommy and he was the daddy. I can remember not being afraid, he didn't hurt me. He made me feel like it was normal. I can't remember specifically what he did to me. I know he touched me in places he shouldn't, I know he laid on top of me at some point but not sure if he did anything. I know he had brown hair and was thin. I've never seen him again in my life. I see the flashes like I'm watching a movie of myself. I don't see it through my own eyes. It's like I'm watching it happen to myself. Its all real hazy. Sometimes, I think this is just something that my mind made up. Sometimes I think these are just bad dreams. Something that's not real. But how can I remember the things I do if it didn't happen. I wonder if I should go to some kind of regression therapy to try to get the memories back or if I should just leave them where they are. If my mind chose to block them, maybe I'm not strong enough to carry them. I've managed to lead a good life and be a good person so maybe I'll just leave the memories where they are. Just acknowledging these memories is helping.
Search more from @StarryNites86
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
20 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Chief Chat Honest Voice Confident Voice Strong Start Reconnect First Post Debuted Reaching out Helping out First Compassion Helpful heart Meet & Greet Teammate Forum Friend Strong Bond I Hang 10
Report an issue