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Apologies in advance, this will be a long and difficult one.
My (ex) girlfriend and I had a relationship for 4, nearly 5 years. We recently moved in together at the start of the year and we looked forward to the future... Let me start at the beginning so you can all understand the full picture.
While I was in school I got diagnosed with a lot of stuff... Autism, ADD (ADHD without hyperactivity), depression and a more severe state of mind if you get what I'm saying. I didn't like going to school and internships, I didn't like the course I was taking or nothing. I just wanted to days to get past so I could go home and just lock everything out with games. This got worse when my dad passed away in 2018, and I had decided to quit school.
During my last year in school, there was this classmate who was very sweet to me. During our internship at a hospital together in meal distribution, she and I joked a lot. I felt truly happy around her and we became good friends.
When my dad passed away that schoolyear, I stopped going to school, and she was the only one that kept in contact with me. However, due to my state of mind I replied less and less...
Two years had passed and my childhood friend pulled my through, took me to a new years party with him and some of our mutual "friends". It was then that I thought "heck it, I'm sending her a happy new years message." And thus I did just so. She had fallen asleep and gotten a new phone which didn't have whatsapp yet. I thought "oh well, at least I gave it a shot to rekindle that friendship." too bad... But two months later when it was my birthday I suddenly got a text from her. After two years of no contact she had also decided to message me. We got to talking again and agreed to meet up for coffee. We had a fun time and talked some more.... Well, she talked, I listened. I've never been a good conversationalist and we joked about that. But I digress.
Fast forward a week or two and I gathered up the courage to tell her how I truly felt about her... I had fallen for her. She then asked me if she could be open towards me about something, something which had been plaguing her for a while. She had been intimately abused by two of her uncles from when she was 6 until she was 18 years old and feared being intimate would post a problem in our relationship if we were to start one. I was shocked, but my love for her was stronger than that, so I told her I would support her through it and we could take our time being intimate. Fast forward 4 years and I'm still a virgin and so is she...
Besides that though, everything was great relationship wise. We had fun and loved each other a lot.
Due to my ADD and autism however, I have enormous difficulties being able to go to work so the government provided me with monthly payments in stead of me having to have a salary. Despite this I went to work 4 hours a week as volunteer at different job sites. This was so I had something to do other then sit at home all day. She said she's fine with me only doing volunteer work in stead of a normal job, but her mother was against this for a long time until she finally saw how difficult things are for me on that front.
Fast forward to this year. She and I signed the contract for our first apartment together in january and we move in together. We saw our whole future before us. However, this is where everything went wrong. She got a new head nurse at her job and her schedule was changed in such a way that she had to work a lot of days after one another. Because of this she has decided to start going to school on fridays to further her own career and be able to work only part time at her current job and part time somewhere else.
I was on the verge of doing additional hours, going for 4 hours a week to 8 hours a week, at my volunteer job when I got called in by the government to get evaluated again for my disability check, even though my brother who has the exact same issues is left alone. I went in for 2 minutes with a doctor who doesn't even know me and got asked 5 questions which I barely was able to answer. Normally this is a good thing because the less I can answer the more likely I am to keep the disability check. She gave me a number of documents my job coach had to fill in regarding me doing volunteer work. This document clearly showed I'm incapable of working in the normal workforce and both my workplace and health insurance agreed. Fast forward to august and I get a letter in the mail stating my payments are being stopped begin september.
This was a huge shock and I went into a depressive state and was forced to drop my volunteer job while we fight it in court and issue a resubmission for the disability check.
A few weeks ago she approached me saying that she was unhappy with how things were. I stopped my volunteer job and was home all day, she worked and I wasn't cleaning anymore or cooking dinner for her. So, I pulled myself up and started doing it again. And she was surprised at how well I was doing it and how much effort I was putting in.
However, last monday she pulled me aside and talked to me. She said that even though I improved so much cleaning and cooking wise, she still felt like she needed to think things through. So that night she slept at her mom's house for a couple of nights, and on wednesday she broke the news to me that she thinks it's best if we break up. She said she needed a break from everything, but she didn't sound too sure of things... It made it even more difficult because when she entered the apartment she gave me a hug and a kiss. I told her that if it's truly what she needs then I support her decision, but it still broke my heart. It felt like something tore me up from the inside and someone was squeezing my heart. I was calm on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to yell and scream at God for placing her in my life and then taking her away like that. She and I sat down on the couch, she put a blanket over me, and put her cold feet underneath my legs to warm them like she always used to do. She told me she wanted to remain friends however and doesn't want me out of her life. We took our rings off and she said I will always be her Patateke (little potato) when she did so... It hurt so much to hear her say this, because I was planning on saving up for a ring and asking her to marry me on our first new years evening in our new home.
It got very difficult for me and I finally broke down crying... She comforted me with hugs and moving her hand through my hair. It became too hurtful for me and I abruptly told her that I wanted her to leave. I showed her out and she became angry. We gave each other a hug and she leaned in for another kiss before quickly pulling away and leaving in anger.
The next day she came over to help put the trash out. I had already had the trash bags ready to go out, but I wanted to talk things over with her so I had her come over anyways.
I gave her a hug and she was happy that I did so because she was unsure if she was allowed to. She told me that she was angry because I sent her away so abruptly and I apologized. She understood why I did it though. We talked for a bit as if nothing had happened, laughed together and it was so nice... I really missed it and I still miss her now. I told her I didn't want to give up on us just yet and that I wanted to fight for us and what I could do to win her back.
Firstly, the whole financial situation was a problem, understandably so of course. She wants to enjoy her money and go on trips. However, when we talked a few weeks before this she had stated she was fine with awaiting the result from the government. When my mom and I went to resubmit the request together with my healthcare provider she prayed for me.
Secondly, she felt like she was more my mother then my partner. Again, I completely understand her point of view. But I also told her that I was not doing great with the whole stress of my disability checks. I asked her if she didn't see how much I improved on that front and said she was pleasantly surprised at how clean the apartment was even with her gone, and she felt proud I guess? But she also had problems with having to tell me to shave for example. This is a difficulty for me with my autism and ADD.
And the third point, I was home too much. She had asked me numerous times during our relationship when I'd be getting more days to work. The fact this was bothering her never really got through to me though because of the way she asked me. And I told her this. I told her that if or when we get back together, and she has issues like that to not just ask me in a way it won't get through to me. The only way things like that truly get through to me is by setting me aside at the dinner table or in the couch with no distractions and looking me in the eyes and straight up telling me what's wrong. She agreed that we could both be better on this front.
Finally I asked her "If I improve on the points you have mentioned, is there still a chance for us?". She looked down at her hands as she was playing with her nails and said in a soft voice "I think so, yes".
I then promised her that I would improve myself... Not just because I want her back, but also for myself. I feel like I need it, but I'm so afraid that I'll fail like I have everything else in my life before her. It's very difficult for me to get out of my chair or bed and do the things that need doing.
She looked up at me and was pretty much shocked at my answer. She told me that in all those years I've never had that drive. I told her the oh so famous line "People don't know what they have until it's gone.".
She asked me then if she could come over the next day to clean the aquarium and if I could help her with the external filter, as well as climbing down into the hole at the entrance to the building to note down the what the meter is on. She comes around the next day and we hug again and sit down on the couch again, talk a bit and even started tickling each other. She even opened up my vest with zipper and I had just woken up at that point, so I had nothing underneath it and she clearly saw this. She was smiling the whole time and looked me in the eye doing so, but stated that she felt awkward afterwards. We then cleaned the aquarium and went downstairs to note down the water meter. She easily panics and is afraid of heights. The hole is very deep and the ladder is in such a position that it's very difficult to climb onto. So I supported her in doing it by being there by her side and giving her encouragement.
I had to leave after that and moved out yesterday with the help of a friend.
Now, my questions are:
-Does she mean it when she repeatedly says there's still a chance if I improve?
-Should I keep communicating with her over text and continue being honest about my feelings with her? Or Should I completely ignore her?
-If we do get together, should I be afraid of her doing something like this again?
-Is it okay for me to ask her to find professional help regarding intimacy together and to change the way we communicate if we do end up back together?
-How can I get off my *** and do the things that I need to do?
-Where do I start to improve myself?
-Is there any other advice you guys have for me?
It hurts so much, especially with me wanting to marry her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I'm in so much pain right now and need something to look forwards to. All our friends and family are shocked at how she went about this and thought we would spend our whole lives together.
I'm at the end of my rope here, and I don't know what to do. I've no idea how, where, or when to start on being better in all aspects I want... And it doesn't help that my emotions are fluctuating so much. One moment I want to improve myself, but the other moment I think "Why? Why should I do anything anymore if this is how the universe constantly treats you?"... I could really use some inputs from different perspectives, and am truly grateful that I have friends who support me and that this platform exists where I can just throw it all out.
Thank you all in advance and my apologies for the giant post 😅
