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Hi everyone, I'm trying online therapy for the first time because I feel selfish turning to my friends and family about this (also my mother is quite sick of this even she has said she has no idea how I'm feeling or what this must be like for me). So if nothing else, I'd like to share my story here, and maybe get a little bit more of it out of my system.
Nine months ago, I started a new job back in my home state. It was originally supposed to be a seasonal position but became regular part-time. I have two degrees and could not get anything with them, so I decided to move back in with my parents at least for the summer and get some experience to put on my resume, since big time gaps are a no-no to prospective employers.
I met a guy twenty years older than me at my new job. And there was instant chemistry between us. I felt it right off the bat and so did he. It was to the point where we'd be in the same room together, just by ourselves, and the electricity would be crackling. We got to know each other a little talking during lulls at work, and then added each other on facebook and chatted until we came to a mutual agreement that yes, we wanted to see each other outside of work. He told me we would have to keep it quiet from our co-workers because they enjoy gossiping. Okay, no problem. Been there, and it's a pain in the butt to have everyone staring at you nonstop.
For the following months, we dated in secret. We'd meet up after work, we spent time with each other for our birthdays, there were secret smiles and glances at work, texting nonstop...I fell for him very fast. And it seemed like the real thing. I even worked up the courage to tell him first that I loved him which he was touched by and told me he loved me too. I was picturing a long term future with him and being eventually a friend and stepmother to his children (he has two kids, going through the final stages of a divorce, and he said he wanted me to meet them. I did not, and assumed he was waiting for the divorce to be complete. Perfectly normal according to divorce articles I've read).
For the most part, I thought we were perfect together. But every so often something odd would happen. He kept a death grip on his phone, he would get on his laptop and check emails while we were together, he would text while we were on dates, occasionally I'd see a text that seemed off and I'd get upset and call him on it. He told me I had nothing to worry about. I was pretty sure I was just being insecure and had emotional baggage, so I'd brush it off and beat myself up.
The holidays came, and he all but disappeared Christmas week. I had invited him to come over to spend some time with me, meet my family, open presents, none of which I have ever done before. He had no time for me and barely texted me, and it ruined my holiday. Around this time, he also moved to a new apartment, which I did not know about until he was fairly well moved in. And the first time I was over there, I saw various Christmas cards from friends. I was understandably hurt- he had already told all his friends his new address but not me? He tried to brush it off but it bothered me. Combine that with his behavior Christmas week and I was a mess.
After Christmas I confronted him about it, and he said he was feeling conflicted about us as of late- the age difference was bothering him, and what if I wanted kids? (looking back I know what he was trying to do) I brushed that off and told him neither was a problem. So we stayed together. But that was the beginning of the end. We started disagreeing, I got more insecure (especially once he started texting an ex-girlfriend nonstop but swore I had nothing to worry about), and it got to the point where we agreed to give each other space. That only lasted a day before he was texting me again. We exchanged emails discussing our issues, and he said he loved me and wanted to remain together.
A few days later, I went to his house to make up and found a valentine from a woman proclaiming her love. And I knew. I knew he had been lying to me the whole time. And I felt my heart split in two and went to pieces. He immediately knew what upset me and did everything to comfort me, kissing away my tears and telling me it was a card from his previous ex from a year ago. I believed him at the time since he seemed remorseful, not angry and guilty. Still, a little nagging voice in my head told me not to believe him.
I did a bit of checking around, and wanted to talk to him. He told me the next time we saw each other after work that he wanted to take a break. Even though he had said he wanted to fix things and remain together. And he was hurting too but wanted to do this. He said we would have a platonic relationship for the time being.
The very next day we had to work together. And he accidentally left his personal email up and open. And I was still suspicious and hurt, so I snuck a peek- there were many messages from the woman he'd claimed was his ex, including correspondence between them about an upcoming trip that he was going to take on his week's vacation. It was very obvious that she was not past, but present. And there was a message he'd sent someone about "bringing his girlfriend along" and yet he had never mentioned a trip with me. I was shaking and confronted him about it, and he said we'd discuss it after work over the phone. Even with the solid proof and the fact he knew I knew, he tried to claim she was an ex and was very close to his children and that was why she was still in the picture.
I didn't buy it. So I sent her a message and told her what was going on-I thought she had the right to know. If she was an ex, then it would be no problem, right? All hell broke loose. I am guessing she dumped him shortly after getting my message, and he and I (he was working, I had the day off) had a text war until he finally claimed responsibility. I was a hot mess, crying, screaming, upset for his children, feeling pity for her. The whole time he had been dating me, he had been dating her long distance. Their relationship had started months before ours. So much fell into place. The secrets. The text hiding. The lapses in communication. I even found out why he'd acted like he had at Christmas- she had been spending the week with him and his children at his place and babysitting them while he was at work!
Despite all this, the heart cannot turn off just like that. I was bitter and hurting and we still talked, off and on. He told me he needed to heal and that I should forget him and find a good man. Two days after our implosion (we didn't actually break up; the day hell broke loose we imploded) I found out he was active on online dating sites. So much for needing to heal.
There's more on that that I might share later (not sure how anyone will react to my tale), but for now, here's where it gets complicated. We still have to work together for now and we are both still sexually attracted to each other. We still text off and on and lately I have been flirting back when he starts. He has said he very much wants me still and we ended up kissing after work the last time we worked together. I absolutely know I should not do this given that he's already back on the prowl but the chemistry is still there. And if I thought I could be the only one in his life and we could move past the hurt I would want another shot. The Kelly Clarkson song "Addicted" fits me so well right now. I wish I had the strength to walk away but for now I do not. I still like hearing from him. Being around him is tricky because the chemistry is there, especially when he focuses on me. We actually made plans to spend time together this weekend which I know is wrong but I miss him so much.
Any words, any help, would be good. Even if it's calling me stupid and weak.