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Snootin09
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PathStep 12 Compassion hearts10,887 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 25, 2015
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The darker side of depression the treatment-resistant side.
Depression Support / by Snootin09
Last post
 December 10th, 2018
...See more Hello I'm a 22 year old female and I have been suffering from depression since I was 7 years old. I've had persistent depressive disorder for as long as I can remember along with clinical depression I've live with double depression a good portion of my life. In the last few months I was labeled treatment-resistant due to the fact the 8 types of antidepressants in every major class either made me suicidal or made me feel like a zombie. I have done a course of ketamine infusions in the US a total of six and the last infusion I didn't even respond to. I've done recreational and non recreational drugs to find anything that would bring me relief but nothing has. I have been taking cannabis oil and vaporizing it for the last 8 months and it's the only thing that takes the edge off it's going to be legal in Canada and I have a license. My mother is in the hospital with cirrhosis of the liver and blood clots throughout her whole legs she has lost her short-term memory all of her hair and 60 lb and this all happened from 2 years ago when she broke her femur the stress of that was too much to bear for me and my father as we were her main caregivers for a year before he got as bad as she did. My psychiatrist my naturalopath, my therapist, My best friend my father and anyone that truly knows me there's not much left and no one knows how to help me. I had a gene mutation test done by 23 me and I am positive for comt both mutations I have little-to-no dopamine and have high cortisol levels and don't contain the proper chemicals in my brain the normal person should. I was born with it as my mother she has depression as well when I was a child. I am in mental Agony every single day I have lost all my appetite and everything I eat makes me throw up I am in so much pain the amount of pills I have taken probably has screwed me up more in the long run. My thyroid is underactive and only recently got worse and none of my Doctors psychiatrist and therapist included know what to say. I have contacted DIGNITAS in Switzerland to go through the process of ending my life with dignity though it might take a year and a half to even get there the prices are insane. Knowing my family will try to stop me in some way I don't want to die but I can't live in your amount of pain I am living in. I have done everything except ECT and there's no point in doing something that will never repair the lack of chemicals that I was born with. I am living literally only for my dad my best friend and my pup. I no longer have a mom she is mentally gone. Everyday is worse than the last I don't see much of a future for me except pain. Sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel in that's so hard for people to understand I've been through it all. I am mentally competent my psychiatrist knows that as well as well as therapist I have had many suicide attempts and I haven't done anything in the last 2 years because I would rather die with dignity rather than in pain. To those suffering with treatment-resistant depression you and you alone are the only one who can make the decision in the long run if the pain of depression exceeds any future Improvement or quality of life. May all of you suffering out there I hope you find some sort of relief.
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