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Snaking9076
1,289 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 64 Compassion hearts133 Forum posts37 Forum upvotes28 Current upvotes28 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2021 Member sinceMarch 15, 2021
Bio
I am a she/ her/ female. I love snakes, the outdoors, silence, and rock music.
Recent forum posts
I know now.
Depression Support / by Snaking9076
Last post
 April 15th, 2021
...See more I got in trouble with my grades . . . again. I was acctually trying to push myself to fix it. In the process, I was trying to fix myself . . . or so I thought. I drank coffee, which I hadn't done in too long. But, after getting in trouble. I realized, my parents didn't care or understand. they didn't want to, becuase that would be admitting they were wrong. They wanted reasons for my grades, so I told the truth, which was lack of motivation, feeling exhuasted, can't focus. It didn't matter. becuase to them , it was my dissicion and I should fix myself. They asked why I was like this, becuase "you have such a great life. No other kids get this. Stop acting like your life is miserable." I thought about it a while, becuase I knew my life was great. So, why was I depressed? It was them. I dreaded waking up to see them. I dreaded coming home to be yelled at by them. I dreaded my mom glaring at me like I'm a disapointment. It's not like I have a group of bad friends making me chane. I have one friend who's weirder than me, but we couldn't be tighter. Their expectations: they want me to excell in life, which I get, but it's been too much. It's stacked until I can't stand. I always said I'd go to colledge and be a vet, but that I noticed wasn't true. It was for them. I actually want to go to the millitary. I should smile and be happy now, becuase my mom gets her happiness from mine. And my dads from hers. Rules: And I mean too many rules. I'm okay with the obvious, clean your room and take out the trash, no attitudes allowed. But the oppressive rules that have now limited me to no freedom have suffocated me. I need out of herre just to get away from it. The control: To control every aspect of what I do. Like walking to school. I'm not allowed even though my sis, who acts yonger but's a year older, walks home from work at five in the morning. I got mad and asked why, just to find out, they had no reason other than they could so they would. it was after that, i stopped. Trying to live. Trying to try. It was all exhuasting again. Becuase what I say, feel, want, doesn't matter. They're the adults. They know what's best, right? For the logical reasons . . . maybe, but I think they've forgot I'm human.
Depression . . .
Journals & Diaries / by Snaking9076
Last post
 April 13th, 2021
...See more Comments are fine. So for a general me. I used to be the golden child. I have a younger and older sister that act half their age. I have had depression for about four years but last year it hit hard and has been getting worse. I couldn't focus or concentrate. I could understand individual words but putting them together wasn't clicking. My grades took a nosedive from the usual straight A's to F's. I was tired and exhuasted. Talking, smiling, laughing, socializing, eating, moving: All exhuasting. I tried make coffee but gave up ater grabbing the mug. I've had no one to talk to. My parents are very judgmental and straightminded. So fear kept me away. Which led me here . . . I finally talked to my older sister about my depression. She listened but by tomorrow, she told my mom. Ever since, my mom grew colder towards me and more controlative. Not only that but she always stares and talks to me with disdain in her eyes and voice. She looks at me like I failed her as a daughter. She never mentions my depression on a serious level. She only mentions how she knows. She expects me to be happy but I can't find anything to smile about. Happiness is gone and my mom thinks It's my fault, like I am not trying. Talking has been getting more exhuasting and I'm praying I pass AP chemistry even though I was lost halfway through. I've decided to try to fake my life until I'm out of the house, becuase everything is getting worse the more I show I'm depressed, which makes me more depressed. I don't know how long it'll last, or if I can even do it. I've been grounded about two weeks from my ps4, which used to bring me a sliver of happiness. But I couldn't care to fix my grounding, so why fake it? Fear . . . Of what? I don't know.
Why Try?
Depression Support / by Snaking9076
Last post
 March 24th, 2021
...See more I got in trouble becuase of my grades. My mom yelled at me. Let me work while critisizing me. Then 7 hours kater, dads home, making things worse. He'll say how I'm blaming them even when I say it's my fault. He keeps twisting my words and asking what my plan was, but I didn't have a plan. From the kid who hated getting below a 90, I'm failing. that perfect child I never wanted to be. I snapped. I asked my dad what his plan was when he cheated on my mom, multiple times. You could see he was just stumped. I asked what brilliant plan he had. Or if the devious plan was to get caught. My mom asked what I was saying and my dad escaped by saying I was blaming him. Yes. I'm blaming him for cheating. No, I'm not blaming him for my school. I told them I couldn't focus. But they said, "You're not trying. You're lazy. You could get there if you TRIED!!" Well I'm trying! I'm trying for a world I could live without. I'm trying while not understanding. I'm sick to my stomach and will probably cry a long time in the bathroom now. What's the use trying when it never matters?
Depression
Depression Support / by Snaking9076
Last post
 March 16th, 2021
...See more There are two types of depression I'm going through. The peacful types, where you could lay down and die. And the painful type tearing at your soul when your lifelines disapeared. Peacful I'd rather sink then swim Give up, give in, and let my demons win,again, My whole life, I've tried to keep my head above water And out of the clouds, I'm face down on middle ground, So I release this breathe, From my chest Deeper and deeper, As I lay to rest I pray peace may find me. When I told my mom I had depression and she told me to get over myself. You stripped me down, the layers fall like rain, It's over now, just innocence and instinct still remain, You watched me while I slowly disappeared, I reached for you to save me; you were frozen in your fear. Take it all away Circling the pain inside my soul, I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show, I tried to find the answers in my fears, But what was found is lost again as soon as it appeared. Take it all away I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?
Depression, or am I dramatic?
Depression Support / by Snaking9076
Last post
 April 13th, 2021
...See more Everyday it feels like I'm suffocating in a vacume of cold stale air. If I'm not empty, I'm sad. Sad enough to cry, and I'm a fighter when it comes to tears. If I don't feel overwhelmed with emotion, I'm empty and colld. I don't want to do anything and when I do, I can't concentrate. By that time, my enthusiam to do something goes away. I can hardly sleep at night, falling asleep late, even if I go to bed early. Then waking up five to ten times a night. I used to eat like mad, being a twiggy person and boy could I eat! But now, even when hungry, the thought of food makes me sick. Other times, I'll get hungry and it will imeddiatly fade. I think this is depression, but I fear my parents will dismiss it like everything else. ;'( I've only had suciadal thoughts or thoughts of the world better off without me in painfull situations, which was about a year or two ago. When my grades started plummeting, I knew something was wrong, but I don't know what to do. >:(
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