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Decided to post this after weeks of hesitation. This'll be lengthy, but I want to vent.
I'll tell you some things about me for context in attempt of making myself be understood clearly. I'm homeschooled by my parents and an illegitimate child. I'm not allowed to go out (For my safety) unless my dad finds it necessary to go out. my dad merely took me in when I was a baby because he claimed that I reminded him of his decreased mother whom he feels he did not cared enough for her so he took care of me to make up for his lack of care to his mom. My mom left me in childhood, leaving the responsibility to my dad as a single father, but returned because she missed me. My dad is currently 65 years old, jobless, at home 24/7, got sick, resembling elder stage around 5 months ago, by that, I mean he loss his body balance, is forgetful, having some memory hallucinations and more short tempered, maybe he have dementia along with depression. He doesn't talk anymore, he just do hand gestures and gets angered if I fail to guess correctly what he's implying, he make noises of anger through screaming with his mouth closed something like 'HMMMM!", it's an irritating sound, but I've gotten to feel null over it throughout time. My mom is 59 years old, she goes to work, stay at her boarding house and then come back 'home' on her dayoff, I used to be irritated with her in the past due to finding her annoying with her behaviour, but got tired and drained at being angry at her repeatedly hence I'm nonchalant with her and she's emotionally supportive and comforting, a listener to my thoughts unlike my dad who occasionally tells me to "stop thinking about that" if he don't like the topic, but I cannot talk with her when dad is around because he'll be disapproving and annoyed. I'm aware that sending dad to a nursery home is an option, however, I find that option is something that still relies on my dad's choice, if he don't want (The most likely possibility), he'll make a big fuss and then I'll be in trouble with him should he succeed. So, I concluded that waiting for his death would be the best course of action since being with him could help and practice my patience and temperance in dealing with some people especially ones more worse than him. I grew up doing nothing but play and study due to my parents being the ones who takes care of chores and the results ended up is me being idiotic in doing and understanding practical chores, leading me to have to study them like a newborn child much to my dad's frustrations.
My dad usually hates and get angry whenever my mom displeases him or doesn't do his way of doing things, frequently calling her stupid along with curse words, slangs in his native language (He taught me some for fun, but I feel terrible knowing what it means whenever he uses it in the present). I feel my existence is a burden to my parents because if I wasn't born, they would be better off without my existence and left each other, them finding more contentment in that possibility, but I disrupted that path with my existence since the reason why they stayed together is to take care of me.
The memory of a time from a month ago still lingers in my brain especially how it's my first intense experience of feeling alone; Evening, my dad complained how my mom gave him such a troublesome, angry child (me) due to recalling my angry interactions with him. I heard that since our house is small with 3 rooms, his words made me feel I'm a burden and a failure then I hit my head against the desk which my dad responded with something like "See? So troublesome." (I forgot what his exact words. It was something like that). I wanted to stop giving troubles to him, so I tried to make an effort to off myself and then I failed. My mom was the only one who comforted me and try to get me to stop while my dad just sit on the chair with a comment of "You gave me a child who gets into dangerous things". My dad was mostly silent, but after that moment which seems to me that he was holding back his frustrations until he 'exploded', shouting at my mom, louder than his shouts that I frequently heard from him, reprimanding and basically blaming her for the trouble, criticizing every mistakes she made that day like if she hadn't come back from her work, me and my dad's day would be peaceful. I felt sad, upset and afraid due to feeling that my dad only cared about asserting his power for the house and his demands with such a method, not caring how his impact on the environment would make me feel. My parents argued with each other, my mom saying things like "She (me) wants to stay with me" and my dad would respond with "She don't like to talk to you", this made me feel lonely because to me, I feel they're occupied with their own opinions instead of considering me. I was crying and my dad asked me to help with giving him a drink, I was slow to react and move, I wanted to move but I felt scared, however, my dad took it as a sign of rebellion, so he harshly clapped his hands together with an angry hum to urge me to move. That night, I was afraid to ask him to move from the bed I usually sleep on, considering that would then lead to him sleeping with my mom which I was sure he would disdain and refuse to move, so I reluctantly slept with my mom after I cried while sitting on a chair, facing the wall out of feeling alone in my life.
Vent; A week ago, me and my dad had a miscommunication. I was helping him move a plate with a recent cooked dish by him and he told me to put my hand 'downstairs'. I thought his 'downstairs' means the bottom of the center of the plate which would and was very hot to touch, so with that conclusion, I tried to hold the bottom of the center of the plate and said it was hot to which he angrily remarked with "Not hot!". Afterwards, only after I saw him how he hold the plate and remarked "Cold! not hot!" did I realized that 'downstairs' means the bottom of the RIMS, not the center of the plate. But, I was still confused and not fully processed what's going on, so I stumbled with my words, finding it difficult to explain it to him, ended up stubbornly saying "It's hot" to which he frustratingly replied "IT'S NOT HOT!" and I'm certain he registered me as an idiot from this. I didn't talk to him about this, finding it tiring to explain to him especially with how seemingly easy for him to get irritated when he's not in the mood to listen or cannot understand some things that I'm saying with my poor explanation. I suspect that he may be emotionally immature with how the signs match up with it. If I ever express my anger at him, he would treat me and behave as though he's the victim and I'm the one in the fault for not being patient enough when I've trying to not act out and hold in my negative emotions from showing for more than 2 weeks. I'm not allowed to cry around him, otherwise, he'll say "stop crying" with bitterness, no comfort which would make me feel more worse. Sometimes, when my dad asked me to help him out with a chore that I have low self-confidence on, I say no, wanting to be safe to avoid myself creating an accident or doing 'my' working style that's not in his expectations which would lead to angering my dad greatly. But my dad, being unaware of those thoughts of mine, gets irritated with how I keep saying no, probably thinks I'm lazy due to how easy the chores are for him and demanded that I study it, and then I have to do those chores anxiously with fear he'll get more mad if I make a mistake.
Yearning for a close friend; My mom don't have a phone because my dad confiscated it due to her habit of replying more than 4 hours late, so communication with her when she's not on her dayoff is difficult. I have no other family members to talk to nor to stay with. I don't have friends only 2 language exchange partners on the internet whom I feel is trustworthy enough, but I don't think and feel they're the right people to talk to. One language exchange partner is an adult with children who loves fairy tales or children stories, but finds literature to be too deep and depressing, I feel I would be burdening this person who maybe cannot handle my internal negative emotions. Another partner is someone who likes to read literature, finding it interesting, but can be sensitive to some darker topics that I view as okay to me, have a job, but I'm not uncertain as to how much I can open up considering that our conversations, In my point of view, are usually awkward once we ran out of questions to ask and I find this person less trustworthy than the one who loves fairy tales. I just want to have someone here whom I can talk be, be open about my thoughts with and get emotional comfort along with wise advice for managing myself and my emotions to prevent myself from lashing out at my dad...
My apologies for the long post, thank you for reading and take care! [https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://emojipedia.org/red-heart&ved=2ahUKEwiP3tel7d-JAxUJZPUHHQgPF2MQFnoECCUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3H_AtE-YXGcpALv8CRIGtX]
❤️ [https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://emojipedia.org/red-heart&ved=2ahUKEwiP3tel7d-JAxUJZPUHHQgPF2MQFnoECCUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3H_AtE-YXGcpALv8CRIGtX]