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Sastiel
972 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2017 Member sinceJuly 12, 2015
Bio
Corgi mom and Misha Collins enthusiast. Aspiring screenwriter || Fashion Designer || Can read and understand some French; Still Learning || Learning German || Learning Norwegian
Recent forum posts
Borderlines and Love
Personality Disorders Support / by Sastiel
Last post
February 21st, 2017
...See more I suffer from Borderline along with many problems. I have PTSD, paranoia, was abused many times in many ways, and overall am pretty much clinically a bad person. I've always held myself extremely distant from the people I trust most. I don't let anyone "near" me really. I feel like at this point I've become too much for even my best friend to handle and that she's pulling away from me. I'm alone. I have no one. I have nothing. I don't think I really feel love. Everytime I say it to someone, the words are empty and devoid of meaning and feel pretentious. I don't think I can feel love. Except for one person. There's just one person that makes me feel anything. No one makes me happy or sad or feel any kind of strong emotion but this one person. All the people I've known - my family, my friends, everyone in between - from the first time I knew this person, I knew they were special to me. They're the only person I can say that I love and not feel like it's a blatant lie. They're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen. Being with them is like being deaf and being able to hear again. Being with them is seeing in color in a black and white movie. Making them happy for just a moment is my reason for existing, for being. I don't know if it's some connection we have or some kind of sign, or if I'm delirious but I feel alive with them. But maybe it's just my BPD? Does anyone else have this kind of numbness, but ever meet someone that made them feel sane again?
*awkward waving*
Personality Disorders Support / by Sastiel
Last post
February 18th, 2016
...See more Alright, so I've been on 7 cups for a while now, but never used the forums before, but I'll probably start since I've read through so many posts and it's just finally a group of people that all know what I'm going through with this. It's so difficult to find people that know and truly understand BPD and recognize the symptoms, let alone have it and can hear about my experiences and not think that I'm completely crazy. So a bit about me - My name's Haley, but I also go by Ham or Hamlet. I'm 15 years old and live in Arizona. And before you ask, no I have no clue how I'm alive considering I spend most the year in 110 + temperatures. I'm a cis female and identify as pansexual, but labels aren't important to me (My sexuality is very fluid and who I'm attracted to changes so often - I'm fine with being called bi, poly, pan, queer, and pretty much any sexuality.) I'm adopted, the last of 10 children, I plan to speak 4 languages by the time I'm 18 - English, French, German, and Norwegian, I want to be an international flight attendant and then later on a screenwriter. I make all my own clothes, enjoy sewing, crocheting, general crafts, web design/programming, drawing, and writing. I also watch a bit of TV - Supernatural, HTGAWM, Lucifer, iZombie, and Torchwood being the current favorites. I suffer from mild depression and anxiety (These used to be worse, but I personally feel that for me these were a result of being in a toxic environment and also growing up and now they hardly present in daily life), severe PTSD and stress issues, and also have been diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar II, and show some symptoms of Paranoia and Schizotypal Disorder. I have a 6 almost 7 month old Pem Corgi that I'm training to be a PTSD service dog for helping with panic episodes and paranoia while in public. A quick timeline of the Road So Far [Warning for brief mentions of abuse, past self-harm, past suicide attempts, and past bullying] I was born the daughter of two teenagers (16 and 17 year olds), an obvious accident. My mom and dad did pretty well on their own and raising me - they had jobs, took good care of me, ect. Then when I was 1, my dad left and my mom went crazy - doing lots of drugs, partying, ect and never bothered to care for me. Around 4, the courts said that in order to get my mother to straighten up her act, she had to take on full custody of me. My now step-father was abusive to me, yelling at me, putting me down, punishing me for hours. I ate next to nothing there and had no possessions of my own, also having medical care neglected. When I was almost 6, I got adopted into my current family, got enrolled in a good school, went to church, loved my parents. Around 8, I started fighting with my mom a lot and having a lot of conflict. I didn't want to go to church, I didn't think she had good ideas, ect. Mom always said no to things and dad always said yes - probably the beginning of the big Mom against Dad dynamic we have in my family now. When I was 9 I changed schools and despite making friends there immediately, dealt with bullying badly - not emotional, just lots of punching and slapping and shoving around and kicking. I graduated out of that school and went to one of the most prestigious schools in the country where I was put into an accelerated program to get me done with college by the time I was 18. I was 12 at the time. I spend a majority of the first year dealing with teachers literally lying to get me in trouble, "losing" assignments, and "forgetting" they ever saw my presentations to the class. I also dealt with a bad amount of bullying as well - ending up in the ER a couple times and needing slings a few times. After this I was dealing with terrible depression and anxiety, also resorting to self-harm as a coping method. I started the next year and two months in, I was missing the whole thing basically from getting so sick from just pure anxiety that I couldn't attend. And one morning I told my mom I'd rather be dead than go back to school and then tried to kill myself. My mom immediately pulled me out of school and I was a high school drop-out at 13. A few months after that, my mom was out of town and my dad was an hour away at work. I was home alone when someone broke into the house. And I was never allowed a cell phone and the home phone I grabbed died in my hands. I was able to call my dad and tell him someone was breaking in, but he said I was imagining things and that he'd check on me later. He called back and I was unable to answer of course and he had his son come over and check on me. I've never recovered from this and have extremely severe PTSD to the point I can't be alone in the house. Even if my mom is on the premises, but outside, I can't be alone. Aside from that, everything began to improve and I started becoming happy. I was able to keep my sleep schedule, travel whenever I wanted, have time to actually do things I cared about - not rehearse for finals. About 3 months later, I met some friends online - who I've almost known for 2 years now some of them. About 6 months after that, I met some more friends who changed my life. About a year ago I started developing self-confidence again, feeling pretty and beautiful and caring about my appearance, loving who I am. Now I've started attending college classes for fashion design and patternwork and have a set goal on where I want to be in life and who I want to be and what I want to do. While I've still got a long way to go and a lot of undiagnosed issues, it's still better than where I once was. Though now I feel I'm about to make a downward trend again and thus am trying to get involved in a community that will understand me. That was really long, but uh. Hi guys.
Growing to hate people I used to love? Result of BPD?
Personality Disorders Support / by Sastiel
Last post
March 26th, 2016
...See more So I have quite a few online friends and slowly over time since I've met them I've found myself growing further and further and feeling excluded and like less of part of the group. Even though we all have the same common interests, I'm starting to hate a good majority of them, feel like they're petty and dramatic, that they're oversensitive and trying to start stuff for the sake of starting stuff. And no one else really sees this or agrees - except my dad but he despises everyone - and I'm not sure if this detachment from my friends and evolving distaste for them is a result of my BPD or something else (considering I share my fathers general dislike of the majority of human beings.) Has anyone else experienced stuff like this? It's not even like I want to like them and cant, it's that I want them all out of my life at this point except for one or two of them and don't care to ever like them again. (on a contrary yet BPD related note, I find at the same time that I can quickly shift from hating people to loving them in a series of seconds on the basis of one sentence or one action and then a few minutes later flip flop again. It's like a constant relationship roller coaster and I hate how suggestible I feel about stuff like this considering most of the time I stick to my guns and never away my beliefs.)
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